A Paragraph With The Mariners – 55

There have been a number of Mariners I’ve hated over the years. Richie Sexson comes immediately to mind. Jeff Cirillo’s short and terrible reign at 3rd base, Al Martin’s useless contribution in a doomed pennant race, the abortion two-step that were Jeff Weaver and Horacio Ramirez. But I’m holding a special place in my blackened carcass of a heart for Carlos Silva. He of the 4-years $48 Million. I hate him for taking average-to-mediocre numbers in Minnesota and sticking his chubby short dick right into them once he put on a Mariners uniform, in spite of the fact that Safeco Field is by all accounts a more pitcher-friendly park. He was a guy who was supposed to not walk people and pitch to contact, inducing lots and lots of groundball outs. Instead, he was a guy who walked everyone … except for those to whom he pitched to contact. They were too busy creaming his balls into the outfield seats. One long, disasterous 2008 I had to sit there every fifth day-in and every fifth day-out watching that fat fucking miserable piece of shit collect $12 million by leading this team to a 100+ loss season. And then he “lost weight” and returned in 2009 to collect another $12 million and suck even HARDER (if that’s even possible). Thankfully, we were able to hide him on the DL, and that act alone made us a team that won more games than they lost. And, in a miracle of all miracles, not only does our GM find a sucker to take his wide load off our hands, but our GM actually gets someone BACK who could theoretically help us on a day to day basis. While I’ll argue, even though he’s not batting much (if any) over .200 right now, Milton Bradley has single-handedly won us some ballgames. Yet, I think I hate Carlos Silva MORE now than I did when he was ruining my life as a Seattle Mariner. I mention this because he lost today. Did you know that today, June 12th, marks the FIRST time Carlos Silva has lost as a Chicago Cub? Did you know that he did that by going 7 innings and giving up just 2 runs? He’s 8-1. He’s got a 2.89 ERA. In nearly 75 innings, he’s walked only 14 and struck out 53. Granted, the Cubs don’t have much of a better record than the Mariners, but I hate Carlos Silva all the same, because he’s making me feel like a DICK! Because Cubs fans the world over are laughing their asses off at how they fleeced the Mariners by taking Mental Bradley off their hands, giving them this awesome starting pitcher who’s going to eat a ton of innings like they’re fucking eclairs, AND paying part of Silva’s salary in the process. Here I was, a Mariners fan, before the season giddy with delight at those dim-witted Cubs brass … and here I am now the fucking horse’s ass thanks to Silva who pulled his fucking head out and stopped sucking dick. God I hate Carlos Silva. P.S. the Mariners lost again.

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