A Paragraph With The Mariners – 59

Yeah yeah, so I was wrong. My figures were SOUND God dammit! Who knew Jason Vargas would keep St. Louis to 1 run over 7.2? Who knew that Brandon League would lock down that last out in the 8th and that Aardsma wouldn’t blow it in the ninth? I say if you play that game 99 more times, the Mariners end up losing it 90 times. But, that’s neither here nor there; that would take like a thousand years to complete. Anyway, today is a much-anticipated off-day for the team after 20 in a row. How’d they fare on their longest stretch of consecutive games? 7-13. The Mariners are who we thought they were. They ARE who we THOUGHT they were!!! Winners of approximately 1/3 of their games on the road; winners of a little less than 50% of their games at home. How bad are the Seattle Mariners right now? There are two teams in all of the major leagues who are worse, record-wise. Can you name them? I’ll give you a minute. While we wait, how about some stats for my man Vargas: 5-2 record, 2.88 ERA, 53 strike outs, 22 walks, opponents hitting just .255 against him! That’s a number 4 starter you can take home and let fuck your sister! He’s like Jamie Moyer without the stink of death permeating the wrinkles of his old man skin. OK, back to the worst teams in baseball, did you get them? No cheating! OK, a whopping 1.5 games back of the Mariners is … drum roll … the Pittsburgh Pirates! They’ve only got one more loss than us (which means two fewer wins for those playing at home), so that’s something to strive for. And finally, the very worst team in baseball, a full 7 games back of the Seattle Mariners and the first team to fire their manager this season … YOUR Baltimore Orioles! By the by, would you believe we’re actually 6 games behind the Washington Nationals? Would you believe we’re 3 games worse than both Kansas City and Milwaukee? Would you even believe that we’re a full game back of Houston, Arizona, and Cleveland? I don’t know who the Stephen Strasburg is in next year’s MLB Draft, but it’s looking to be a dog-fight. Unfortunately, the Orioles play in the best division in baseball, so they have plenty more games to lose. Fortunately for the good guys, we play in the worst division in baseball, yet we still can’t beat anybody.

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