A Paragraph With The Mariners – 72

Branyan! Russell The Muscle Branyan! Now, I don’t wanna get off on some hyperbole shit here, but: SEASON SAVED! Granted, it’s only been 3 baseball games he’s played in this year for the Mariners, but I feel confident that 3 baseball games = a baseball season. Let’s look at the figures: 1 for 4 in the first game with a single; 1 for 3 in the second game with a home run, 2 runs scored, 2 RBI, and a walk; 1 for 4 in the third game with 2 RBI. Extrapolate that over the course of a full season and you’re looking at 216 RBI, 162 hits, 54 home runs, 108 runs scored, and a .300 batting average. In other words, pretty much the best player in all of baseball. And we have him! Russell Branyan Is the Best Baseball Player Alive! Pujols? Pssh. Mauer? Please. A-Rod? More like A-Guy Who’s Not As Good As Russell Branyan! Season Saved? Well, let’s put it this way: if we win 2/3 of our remaining games, we will be 89-73. But, I’d put that 2/3 figure at the minimum; I think with Branyan’s bat alone we’re good for a few series sweeps. Starting today, in Detroit. You don’t know who the FUCK you’re messin’ with, Tigers! You’ve been Branyanized!

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