Record Low Ratings For All-Star Game: Big Fucking Surprise

I was listening to sports radio and they mentioned this. Record Low Ratings. Then they tried making excuses for why this was so, ultimately treading upon the topic of Steroids. Using words like “backlash” and such.

You want to know the truth? And this is why I hate the Steroids Argument; because NO ONE CARES ABOUT STEROIDS!

Well, I can’t say that. The media – baseball writers and their ilk – get their panties ALL twisted into knots whenever there’s a new revelation. And, I’m sure baseball executives – your Bud Seligs and the like – don’t like all that negative press swirling swirling SWIRLING around their beloved sport. And, if I put my brain to the test, I guess I can sit here and imagine old codgers in their 70s and 80s – guys who were around for the days before Television and can remember seeing Willie Mays and Hank Aaron in their primes – saying things like, “Back in MY day …” and pounding their fists against their Barcalounger arms.

In other words: NO ONE OF CONSEQUENCE CARES ABOUT STEROIDS!

So, A. quit bitching because the NFL is like Teflon when it comes to its image regarding steroid use, okay?

Because B. I’ll do you one better: People LIKE it when their athletes use steroids!

Think about it. How’s the phrase go? “Chicks Dig The Long Ball”? Sexual innuendo aside, most guys dig the long ball too. You wanna know why there’s Record Low Ratings this year vs. Record High Ratings in, say, 1998? Because we had Snooki’s Wet Dream juice-heading the balls out of the park in record numbers!

I have a challenge for you: As of the All Star Break, name me the Top 5 Home Run Hitters in both the NL and AL …

I’ll give you a minute.

Don’t hurt yourself now.

OK, are you ready?

NL First: 1. Adam Dunn & Joey Votto (22), 3. Albert Pujols & Corey Hart (21), 5. Prince Fielder (20)

Now AL: 1. Jose Bautista (24), 2. Josh Hamilton & Miguel Cabrera (22), 4. Vladimir Guerrero & Paul Konerko (20)

Now, I’m guessing if you’re any kind of baseball fan at all, you probably came up with Pujols and Fielder. If you’re REALLY paying attention, I’d give you Hamilton and Cabrera. But, come on, who had Paul Konerko? Or Adam Dunn or Jose fucking Bautista?

And, even if you did. Even if you’re the best baseball fan in the world and got all 10 names, WHO CARES? Who cares about ANY of these guys outside of Pujols and MAYBE Prince Fielder? The Josh Hamilton story was nice two years ago, but he’s not a star.

To be fair, none of these guys (except Pujols) are on par with Sosa, McGwire, Griffey, A-Rod, Bonds, or any of the mashers of the 90s. You know what Bautista’s career high in homers was before this year? Try 16 in 2006. And how many years has Adam Dunn hit 25 or more home runs? How about 8 years … including a whopping FIVE years with 40 or more homers. Did you know that? Did you know Adam Dunn was that good?

Of course not, because who gives a flying fuck about Adam Dunn.

Now, if those 40-homer years were 60-homer years because he was on the juice, I bet you people would care. You know why? Because we LOVE steroids! There, I said it.

We don’t love HEARING about steroids … we want that shit done in the dark. We just love the long ball. And if this era had more long balls, there’d be more stars. Not these “stars” they had in the All-Star Game on Tuesday. Corey Hart? Wasn’t he, like, a singer in the 80s? Joey Votto was the big “snub” until he was voted in by the fans at the last minute? I’m sorry, WHO is this guy?

So, yeah, I guess you could say the Record Low Ratings are a backlash to the whole Steroids Thing. A backlash because, dammit, we MISS the juice! And I’m not necessarily talking about O.J. Though, we miss that crazy fucker too.

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