The Seahawks’ No-Lose Situation

I’m going into this game, this Saturday at 1:30pm, with a PBR in my hand and WITHOUT a care in the world.

Normally, going into the playoffs, I’m a bundle of knots.  The tension builds throughout the week until Gameday when I’m a mess.  Tense, nervous, jittery, thinking and over-thinking every aspect of the game, praying things go right and my team gets the win.

But this is 2011!  This is 7-9, baby!  This is Super Mario Bros., rolling the dice on your last life, and miraculously grabbing your 100th coin for an Extra Guy just as you fall in the lava pit.  This game vs. the Saints is our Extra Guy.  Win or lose, we already defeated Bowzer and fucked the Princess doggystyle.  I have the strands of long brown hair in between my fingers to prove it.

We’re not supposed to be here; everyone knows that.  This is the joke of all jokes; we would actually have to WIN the Super Bowl to end up with a winning record this season.  Of course, it’s easy for me to put all that out of my mind – all the national negativity; all the calls for a Seeded Tournament – because I’ve stopped watching ESPN’s SportsCenter YEARS ago.  All their talking-head ass-clowns can eat a fat dick as far as I’m concerned.

And let’s face it, there’s a reason why we’re double-digit underdogs at home.  There’s a REASON nobody in the free world thinks we can win this game against the defending Super Bowl champions:  because we can’t!  We are GOING to lose this week.  Take a poll of all non-delusional Seahawks fans in Seattle and they’ll tell you the same.  The best we could POSSIBLY hope for is to have the ball late in the 4th quarter with a chance to score a touchdown and a 2-point conversion to cover the spread.

I wouldn’t bank on even that, though.

So that’s why, I just don’t care.  As far as I’m concerned, the Super Bowl took place at Qwest Field last Sunday night with all of America watching, I was there, we won, and this week is going to be like the who-cares Pro Bowl.  Except, unlike the REAL Pro Bowl, this game will actually feature a Seahawk.

It’s with beer in hand I’ll enjoy my Saturday afternoon.  And it’s with beer in hand on Saturday night I’ll mourn the official passing of the Seahawks’ season.  Wouldn’t have it any other way.

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