Seahawks Draft James Carpenter, Investment In Pancake Futures Skyrockets

Too many Urkles on your team / That’s why your Winslow

Physical, aggressive, tough:  these are the types of words you like to see written about your first round draft pick.  Or, as Jim Mora might say, “We’ve got ourselves a Dirtbag!”

I can’t BEGIN to tell you how excited I am for this pick.  Where was our biggest need going into the season?  Well, let’s just look at 2010; where was our biggest failing?  We couldn’t run the ball.  Ever.  It took all season to even get a 100-yard rusher … and even THAT required a run so resplendent by Marshawn Lynch that it still defies the bounds of logic.  We had injuries at just about every position along the line (ironically, except Center; and it looks like Spencer is a guy we WON’T be re-signing), with the biggest being Unger for the entire season, and Okung for parts.

Well, Okung is back and we have to hope his ankles hold up.  Unger is also back and we have to hope he returns to form (meaning:  an upward trend from his commendable rookie season).  Now, we have Pancakes Carpenter to lock down the Right Tackle position, and all I have to say to that is:

GOODBYE HEATHER LOCKLEAR!!!

It’s not a sexy pick, I get that.  My dad was sitting next to me, bellowing about not getting a quarterback.  Part of me wanted to see either Andy Dalton or that cornerback from Colorado; part of me was let down when they announced our guy, as a collective “Who???” floated into the Seattle airspace.  But, the more I let it sink in, the more I got behind my man Pancakes.

This is a guy who was projected as a middle 2nd rounder, so sayeth Mel Kiper.  He called it a reach; I say the “reach” is only in reference to our man’s massive wingspan!  Whenever Mel Kiper doesn’t like your draft, you know you’re involved in a winning draft; that assclown can suck my ass!  I know we’re well on our way to a D+ draft grade, but you know what?  These grades are incomplete and won’t be finalized for another 3-5 years.  See me then, when we’ve got the best offensive line in football.

Our team WILL be, whether we like it or not, a smashmouth football team.  We’re going to run the ball, we’re going to kick other teams in the face, and we’re going to have sex with their mothers!  Hiring Tom Cable was the start.  Pancakes Carpenter is just the next piece in the puzzle.

Other thoughts:

I’d rather have the 3rd or 4th offensive tackle than the 12th or 13th defensive lineman taken.  Jesus!  Are you kidding me?  You KNOW half of those D-ends will be collosal flops!

Pancakes Carpenter came into Alabama as a JC transfer and started immediately for a National Championship team.  In the same year their running back won the Heisman Trophy.  And he was their left tackle.  We have TWO dominant left tackles!  How many teams can say they have even ONE?

Pancakes was a guy who was once playing at 288 pounds.  He’s naturally athletic, relentless in run blocking, has excellent form in staying low … and all he did was add another 30+ pounds of pure, bruising muscle to make himself a future NFL All Pro.  Guys who have to bulk up to 321 are SO much better than tubs of lard who have to lose 30+ pounds to get DOWN to 321.  We didn’t draft some soft-belly who’s going to let himself go; we drafted a fucking stallion who’s going to be ready to muck it up in the trenches.

ESPN still hasn’t gotten his position right, calling him an Offensive Guard.  Are you kidding me?  He played Left Tackle in college, he’s projected to be our starting Right Tackle next year … the only time he EVER played guard was in the Senior Bowl.  Get your facts straight!

2 thoughts on “Seahawks Draft James Carpenter, Investment In Pancake Futures Skyrockets

  1. Pingback: Seattle Seahawks 2011 Draft Review | Seattle Sports Hell

  2. Great article you wrote – i posted it on fb account. I like that name you bestowed on him – James “Pancakes” Carpenter.

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