Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. VIII

And then there was one.

In compensation for how short this post is going to be, I’ll be throwing up a Bonus Seahawks Post right after it.  Let’s get to it.

  1. Indianapolis (0-9) – I’m pretty sure there’s no stopping Indy at this point, short of a miraculous Peyton Manning comeback.  By the way, how desperate is he to come back?  If I had to guess, I’d say VERY GOD DAMNED.  You think that guy wants Indy to have the number 1 pick?  Either they go with Andrew Luck, thereby ushering his demise in Indy (and for a guy who has been so important to a franchise, you certainly want to end your career with said franchise); or they trade away the pick (whether at his behest or not) and he looks like an asshole to fans who once adored him like the Messiah.  And if he doesn’t come back this season?  They’re about as sure a bet for the Number 1 pick as any I’ve ever seen.  For a team I was touting as one who would win EVENTUALLY, they’ve progressively gotten worse with every passing game (since their string of very-winnable games in late September and early October).  Indy hosts Jacksonville this week – the showdown I’ve been pointing to for some time.  If Indy loses this game, forget about it.  After the BYE they host Carolina and then go on the road to Baltimore and New England.  Follow that with home games against the Titans and Texans and you could very well have an 0-15 team going into Jacksonville in week 17 for a game that won’t mean a damn thing because no other team will be within a game of them.
  2. Miami (1-7) – Oh, look at that, Miami won a game; how did they do it?  I’m serious; how did they do THAT?  Kansas City isn’t that BAD!  AND they were at home!  If these Dolphins can manage to play like that, who’s to say they can’t go on a little 3-game winning streak here (with home games against Washington and Buffalo)?  OK, three might be stretching it, but two isn’t out of the question, as Washington is TERRIBLE and deserves ever-so-much to be on this list (see below).
  3. Jacksonville (2-6) – Your BYE week can’t save you, Jacksonville!  I know you’re going to go into Indy and lose!  I know you’re going to go into Cleveland the following week and lose again!  In fact, I know you’re going to lose at least your next 7 games!  HAHAHAHAHA!  Suck it Jaguars, I hope you like playing in Los Angeles in a few years!
  4. Arizona (2-6) – You might be asking me:  why does beating the Rams at home result in Arizona moving DOWN this list; that win isn’t all that impressive!  And, you’re right, to a point.  The Cards by all rights should’ve lost that game.  They started John Skelton, they posted the Rams to a 7-point lead thanks to a couple safeties and a bunch of field goals, AND it took a bunch of minor miracles for them to come back and win it in overtime (a 99-yard punt return?  What the H?).  Well, I’ll tell you, this game they played two days ago is EXACTLY why they move down the list!  Because the Cards play in the NFC West, they’re at a critical disadvantage compared to the other teams above them.
  5. Seattle (2-6) – Over the last three weeks, the Seahawks have scored a total of 28 points.  That’s less than 10 points per game.  It’s no surprise that over the last three weeks, the Seahawks went from being off the list entirely to 5th overall.  Next up:  at home vs. Baltimore and on the road against the Rams.  Lose those two games (as I believe they will) and you’ll REALLY hear the winter of our discontent in the Pacific Northwest.
  6. St. Louis (1-7) – REALLY?!  A 99-yard punt return?!  I don’t know who I’m more disgusted by:  the returner for catching a punt at the 1-yard line, or the special teams of the Rams for not being able to stop a guy who caught a punt at the 1-yard line!
  7. Minnesota (2-6) – You wanna know how a team like Minnesota goes from being 5th to being 7th without playing a single snap of NFL football?  See:  St. Louis @ Arizona and Seattle @ Dallas.  Also, for shits and giggles, see:  TEEEEBOWWWWWWW!!!!!
  8. Washington (3-5) – I’ve been waiting for this week to come like a cat getting ready to pounce on a no-legged mouse.  These Redskins are a bunch of stinky-ass frauds AND they’re one of the worst teams in the NFL!  Yeah, they have 3 wins, but you know what?  Two of them came against Arizona and St. Louis!  Then, Rex Grossman FINALLY had his Rex Grossman Game (4 INTs against Philly), followed by a collosal benching, followed by three magnificent turds with the likes of John Beck under center.  Tebow helped make this happen, you know.  By Denver winning its 3rd game in Oakland, I finally had a rational reason to bring the Redskins back onto the list.  Because I hate them.  And I kind of love them.  They’re one of the few teams who have a worse quarterback situation than we do.  At least Jacksonville’s breaking in a rookie (and at least Indy theoretically could get Peyton Manning back sometime late this season or for the start of next season).  The ‘Skins want no part of a long term future with EITHER Grossman or Beck!  Or, as they’re known by absolutely no one:  The White Tarvaris Jackson & Football Judas.

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