Now listen, Santa. I don’t like you and you don’t like me. Every year I ask you for three simple things: a hard, rockin’ bod; a harem of supermodels who will bend to my every whim; and a full head of hair. I literally have NONE of those things!
I know that’s not because of some “Naughty List” that may or may not be a ruse to trick the rubes into bowing to your every sick and twisted demand, because I know you’ve given me SOME stuff. A keen sense of opinion and insight, a 1980 Camaro fully loaded (CD player, spare tire, one functioning door handle, a silent, non-functioning horn), a minibar in the shape of a globe; but you never seem to give me the things I really NEED!
That’s why this year, instead of being selfish, I’ll be asking for things we ALL can enjoy. Now, I know I haven’t been the greatest sports fan this year. I spent half a season rooting for the Seahawks to lose, a full season defending Nick Holt’s performance, and I opted to not buy cable for my apartment, thereby making it nearly impossible to see any Mariners games or Husky basketball games. Factor in the fact that I went to more Husky football games than any other sporting events combined in the past year (and even then, I was so blackout drunk I probably remember more about my individual beer pong games than whatever would’ve happened on the field of play), and you could say I’ve been very neglectful in my duties.
Nevertheless! The passion remains! I haven’t given up hope QUITE yet, though it’s getting harder and harder to think about this baseball team with anything remotely resembling optimism.
So, this year, instead of cock implants, or the magical ability to motorboat every living pair of breasts on the planet, I hereby ask for the following:
1. An NBA franchise in the greater Seattle area. I’m not greedy, I don’t need them to play in Key Arena (even though, from where I live, I could literally ride my bike there quicker than it would take me to drive & find parking). I just want a reason to care about professional basketball again. More importantly, I want to feel like a REAL city again! A real city with ALL of the important sports (and also soccer). If that means I have to slog my way to Bellevue or Renton, then so be it. It’s still better than the alternative.
2. The next quarterback Seattle drafts to be a multi-year Pro Bowler. Again, I’m not greedy! I don’t necessarily NEED a Hall of Famer. I just want someone who’s going to be one of the top 3 quarterbacks in the NFC more often than not. Since I’m assuming the Seahawks will be drafting a QB in next year’s draft, that’s GOING to have to be the guy. People tell me you’re magic, Santa. We’re going to really put that magic to the test on this one!
3. The Mariners sell the team to a local superfan with pockets as deep as Bill Gates. This one is coming from a weird place, I know. I COULD have just asked for a World Series title, but I like this idea better. Any city can get lucky one year, shock the world, and then promptly return to their rightful place in obscurity. I don’t necessarily want that for two reasons: 1 – I want my team to be playoff contenders on an every-year basis, and 2 – putting enough money into a team will EVENTUALLY buy you a World Series title anyway. I want to be the Yankees of the West! I want fans in Anaheim and Texas to hate us with a passion because we buy all of our success! I want obnoxious bandwagon fans to pop up all over America, wearing hats with the Seattle ‘S’ like they’ve been fans their whole lives (a la Red Sox Nation). The only way that’s going to happen is if we oust these greedy old misers and their loserish ways and bring in someone willing to jack up payroll to a blimp-sized amount! I don’t want this team to just try to pick between Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols; I want them to go after BOTH and give them a time-share between first base & DH. Make it happen, Kringle.
4. A few Final Four runs for the Husky basketball team. This one is simple: success breeds success. Romar needs to get over the hump of the Sweet 16 in a BIG way. We need one of these teams in the next year or two to go all the way to the Final Four, return the next year to win it all, and follow that up with further deep success in the Tourney. That’ll help us get the bigger and better recruits, which in turn will make us a yearly lock to be in the Top 10 of college basketball and a sure bet to make the Elite 8 every March.
5. The Death Penalty for Oregon. This one is self-explanatory; fuck Oregon. You know how it is, Santa.
I know you’re gonna do this for me Santa. I know, because it’s in your best interests to do this for me. Don’t make me Sandusky your ass, Kringle! I’ll tell the Feds what you’ve been doing in the shower with those “elves” and you’ll be out of work faster than you can say, “Ho Ho Ho!”