It’s About Fucking Time: The Mariners To Move The Fences In For 2013

I guess that’s one way to get people to stop thinking about how the Mariners have only won 4 of their last 15 games to close out yet another lost season.

You can read about the particulars in pretty much every other blog or newspaper that discusses the Mariners.  I’m just here to say, “Holy Hell, what took you so long?”

For the record, I don’t think the Mariners really put a whole lot of thought into this at all.  My guess:  they tracked every deep fly ball hit by Justin Smoak and adjusted the park dimensions accordingly.  Surprise!  Instead of taking all that Ichiro money that’s coming off the books and putting it towards a slugger at first base, we get to enjoy an offseason of this organization talking us into how many more homers Smoak will have next year as he’s punching down redwoods.  Always remember the hilarious saying, “Where there’s Smoak, there’s a recently discharged handgun falling out of my mouth!”

I’ve already said most of what I’m going to say on this subject this past summer.  I’m still not wild about the idea, but I’m not so against it that I’m going to bitch and moan.  What I will say?  I’m sick and tired of hack writers on Twitter making joke after joke whenever anyone hits a home run in Safeco this season.  “Oh, no need to move the fences in!”  “Hey, maybe we should move the fences back MORE!”  Hardy-fucking-har.

Look at the overall season numbers, dipshits.  This can’t continue.  It’s boring to the fans, it keeps high-quality free agents from signing, and it keeps pitchers like Blake Beavan and Jason Vargas employed and over-paid.  We should aspire to BETTER than this!  BETTER than Justin Smoak and BETTER than Jason Vargas!

Like most, I’ll just be happy when we can stop fucking talking about how Safeco needs to move the fences in.  My prediction?  Scoring will continue to be down at Safeco next season and the Mariners will lose a bunch of games.  Do they have a Pulitzer Prize for amazingly insightful predictions?  Because I think I just won them all to infinity.

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