I’m combining these previews mostly because I’m lazy. Partly because I know dick about the Utah Utes. Also, work is having a bake sale going on for charity and I’m in a diabetic coma right now.
Here’s what I know about the Husky game. The Huskies are 4-1 at home, including wins over ranked opponents Oregon State and Stanford. The Huskies are well underway in the easiest portion of their schedule. They finally got a road win last week, getting that monkey off their backs. This is the final home game of the Husky season. This game puts the Huskies over the threshold for a bowl game. It’s senior night.
Utah is currently 0-4 on the road this year. They’re coming off back-to-back impressive-looking wins over Cal and WSU, but take that for what it’s worth, because it’s fucking Cal and WSU. Their offense is somehow worse than ours, but they’ve also somehow scored more points than us. Their defense looks to be solid, particularly along the line, but then again our defense has been a strong point for us, holding Stanford, Oregon State, and Cal to under 20 points. They’re starting a freshman quarterback who has only played significantly in 4 games to date. In each of those four games, he has thrown at least one pick, en route to 3 TDs and 5 INTs in that span. Also, he doesn’t appear to be much of a threat running the ball even though he’s had at least 5 rushing attempts in each of those four games.
And yet somehow the Utes and NOT the Huskies are favored in this game? I don’t understand it.
I can’t imagine a world in which the Utes win this game. That’s not to say I’m seeing the Huskies running away with it (though I’m not saying they won’t run away with it either). Either the Huskies dominate and win by three scores, or they win by the usual one score with some clenched buttcheeks at the end. Either way, Utah is not coming up here tomorrow night and taking this away from us. We’ve got 8 wins firmly on our minds and God dammit, we’re gonna get there!
Here’s what I know about the Seahawks game. The Seahawks are 4-0 at home. They’ve beaten the likes of New England, Green Bay, Dallas, and Minnesota. All were, at one point, pegged to be playoff teams this season. Three of those teams have elite quarterbacks. Two of those teams are perennial Super Bowl contenders. The Seahawks won them all.
The Jets are 1-2 on the road. They are 3-5 overall; their most-impressive win being at Miami in overtime. The Jets do NOT have an elite quarterback. They have two of the worst starting quarterbacks in the modern era. The Jets also do not have an elite defense. Darrelle Revis won’t be around, which knocks them back quite a bit. The rest of their defense is entirely overrated because Rex Ryan is a loudmouth who’s doing all the rating for everyone. Rex Ryan’s father was a defensive genius. Rex Ryan’s brother is probably a better coach than he is, but he looks like a tool, so there’s that. Rex Ryan is a foot fetishist, and while there’s nothing wrong with that, the next time you see a woman’s bare foot, just know that he PROBABLY would like to sniff it. It might be your girlfriend’s foot, it might be your wife’s foot, it might be your mother’s foot. Rex Ryan … is a foot-sniffer.
The Jets are terrible. Their defense is near dead last against the run, so expect Marshawn Lynch to either have a day, or expect them to completely sell out, in which case expect Russell Wilson to have a day.
Their top wide receiver is someone named Jeremy Kerley. He’s averaging under 4 receptions per game (30 on the season) with only 2 TDs. Their second-best receiver is still Santonio Holmes and he only played in 4 games before he was lost for the season. Their third-best receiver is me. Pudgy, diabetic-coma me. I will step on the field for the Jets this weekend and be their third-best receiver after Jeremy Kerley and a guy on IR.
Did I mention their quarterback is Mark Sanchez? Their quarterback is Mark Sanchez. I probably should have led off with that statement, but then the analysis of this game would’ve been five words long. He has 10 TDs vs. 8 INTs on the season. Except for overall yardage, he’s currently being out-played by Russell Wilson in every other facet of the game. Seahawks fans even LIKE Russell Wilson; you can’t necessarily say the same for Jets fans and their starting QB.
This weekend should be a no-brainer. Our corners are going to shut down their receivers. Our defensive line is going to be able to get through their offensive line. Our defense is going to force multiple turnovers. Their only hope is to concoct the most conservative of all game plans and hope for a low-scoring slugfest. Like, kneel down every time and hope we screw up somehow (or hope for a special teams miracle).
Our offense is improving week to week. It should be no trouble moving the ball on this team. I expect another game in the mid-to-high 20s for us and I expect 3 points for them. I think late in the game they’ll drive and kick a field goal to keep a shutout off of Ryan’s coaching record. It’ll be a foot-sniffer kind of a thing to do, and the 12th Man will reign down a chorus of boos, but what else would you expect?
The Jets will fly home embarrassed. Another season lost. And Rex Ryan’s job will be on life support with another 7 games left to play.
The Seahawks, on the other hand, will be 6-4 headed into a BYE week with an inside track on a playoff spot.
All will be glorious after this weekend. Huskies and Seahawks fans will rejoice in the streets. Anything less would be absolutely unfathomable.