How I Hate The 49ers, Let Me Count The Ways

For starters, I’ve never hated a professional football franchise the way I hate the 49ers right now.  In my much-younger days, when the Seahawks were in the AFC and I wasn’t so jaded from a decade’s worth of mediocrity out of my home team, I think I hated the Raiders the most.  Followed by the Broncos and Kansas City in a tie for second.  Then, as the 90s progressed, my hatred for my AFC West brethren waned, as the Seahawks were increasingly irrelevant.  I started to simply hate teams that won all the time.  The Cowboys, particularly.  As the Seahawks entered the NFC West when the NFL re-aligned, I was left without a rivalry.  My hatred for our old AFC West foes has since all but dissipated.

As the Seahawks almost-immediately took over control of the NFC West, I really had a hate-on for the St. Louis Rams, because for a while there, they were the only team contending for division titles with us.  Then, they completely fell apart.  And, as we did the same, the Arizona Cardinals briefly reigned supreme.  Once Kurt Warner retired, they were done, and up rose the 49ers.

Now, it’s ONLY the 49ers.  They’re a loathesome bunch of jag-offs and I literally wish they were all dead (except for Frank Gore; I’ve got no beef with that man).  The only question remains:  do I hate the 49ers more than I hate any other team in any other sport?

Here’s the ultimate measure of my hate:  in this Divisional Round weekend, I would have gladly traded a Seahawks defeat for a 49ers defeat.  THAT’S how badly I want them to fail.  I’d accept my own team’s failure just to have them go home empty-handed.  Is it completely irrational and idiotic?  You bet it is, but that’s the way it goes when you hate a team this much.

In baseball, I’ve got nothing.  In the early 2000’s, I hated the Yankees with a passion.  But, a decade’s worth of Mariners futility has washed that away.  Now, there’s only numbness.

In basketball, there used to be the Trailblazers, Lakers, and Jazz.  But, of course, with no Sonics, there’s really no point.  I guess I hate the OKC team, but it’s not like I’m sitting here day-in and day-out rooting for them to lose.  They’re hardly on my radar until the playoffs come around, at which point I still refuse to watch their games.  Maybe that’s a marker of utmost hatred:  I can’t even bring myself to watch them play ball.

In college basketball, there’s UCLA and Arizona in a tie for first.  More than anything, I just hate those schools because they keep taking recruits we’re trying in vain to sign.  But, during the games against the Huskies, my blood doesn’t really boil a whole lot.

In college football, there’s Oregon and there’s everyone else.  So, I have to ask myself:  do I hate the 49ers more than I hate Oregon?  That’s a REALLY difficult question to answer, which should go to show just how much I hate those fucking 49ers.  In the end, if I’m being objective, I have to admit that I hate Oregon more, but it’s CLOSE.  It’s damn close.  I’d much rather see San Francisco win a Super Bowl championship than the Oregon Ducks win a college football championship.

So there you go.  My current Hate Rankings:

  1. Oregon Ducks
  2. San Francisco 49ers
  3. OKC Thunder
  4. USC Trojans (because Sark can eat a dick)
  5. UCLA Bruins (because Myles Jack can eat a dick too)

But, getting back to the 49ers, how much do I hate them?  Let’s count them down:

1.  Jim Harbaugh

I hope he dies of AIDS.  I hope he contracts HIV by cheating on his wife, I hope he gets caught and loses everything in the divorce, I hope he’s too pig-headed to take the HIV medications available to him, I hope he contracts full-blown AIDS, and I hope he dies, pathetic, in-pain, and alone in a hospital bed, surrounded by a non-stop stream of women giving loud, screaming births.

It should be self-evident, but let’s get into it.  Jim Harbaugh whines about EVERY. FUCKING. THING. that goes wrong for his team while they’re on the field.  His temper tantrums have gone well beyond the point of parody; surely, he realizes how much of a cunt he looks like, but he doesn’t care.  How he doesn’t get at least five “unsportsmanlike” penalties every week, I have no idea.  For all the shit I give refs, they’re little Mother Teresas for putting up with his insufferable bullshit.

Also, have you heard his interviews?  Even if he was my team’s coach, I’d be fucking embarrassed by how short, rude, and pointless he is with the media.  I tend to think the media’s complaints about such things are over-rated, but in this case, I’ll side against The Douchebag.

And, not that I try to picture his awkwardly-shaped body having sex, but can’t you just imagine Jim Harbaugh’s love-making being very competitive?  I can only imagine that he’s doing everything in his power to finish first (boringly missionary, of course), followed by actually finishing first while his wife lays there with equal parts frustration & apathy, with him slapping her on the rump saying, “Good game.  Better luck next time.”  And entirely NOT meaning it.

2.  Colin Kaepernick

I’m all for celebrations after touchdowns.  I think the No Fun League ethos has put a serious damper on the game of football and the league needs to reign some of that in.  In fact, to be honest with you, there isn’t a post-touchdown celebration I even find annoying or offensive … except for Kaepernick faux-kissing his biceps.

Can you imagine anything more conceited or self-congratulatory?  It’s gross, it really is.  I know there are plenty of mouthy Seahawks – especially on defense – who are self-promoting narcissists, but Kaepernick takes it to another level.  Also, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, since he only does it when he rushes for a touchdown.  Shouldn’t he kiss his biceps when he throws for a touchdown?

I know that’s a little nit-picky, but that goes to further prove my point that Kaepernick is a God damn retard.  His level of intelligence HAS to be bordering on single-digits, right?  He can’t even play the quarterback position without his little arm-band!

Colin Kaepernick has lived a charmed fucking life.  He struggled when Crabtree was out and it’s pretty apparent why:  unlike the elite quarterbacks of the league, Kaepernick doesn’t make anyone else around him better.  When Aaron Rodgers loses a receiver or two, it’s just a Next Man Up situation.  Drew Brees doesn’t have any star receivers (unless you lump his starting tight end in there); he makes average receivers INTO stars by being great.  Tom Brady has had Julian Edelman and a whole lotta filler on his team this year, and he led the Patriots to the AFC Championship game.

Kaepernick, meanwhile, was headed towards the very real possibility of not making the playoffs AT ALL.  Or, he was looking at a first-round exit.  But, since Crabtree came back, the 49ers have been on the roll of a lifetime.  Crabtree is a very good player, and the only real threat (besides Frank Gore) on the 49ers offense.  Without him, Kaepernick is just another shitty running quarterback who struggles to muster 150 yards through the air.

3.  Anquan Boldin

Never have I seen such a mediocre player talk as much shit on a football field.  And yet, when you watch him in his post-game interview, all you hear out of his bitch mouth is how much respect he has for the other team.

Bullshit.  Tell it like it is, ‘Quan!  I am.

Boldin has never been a star in this league.  He was a complementary player in Arizona, vastly overshadowed by Larry Fitzgerald.  He was utter dogshit in Baltimore until the playoffs rolled around; doing very little to help out his team on a week-in, week-out basis.  And now that he’s been in San Francisco – aside from that Week 1 monster of a game against a pathetic Packers defense – he’s been more of the same.  There’s a REASON why the 49ers only had to give up a 6th round pick for him.  Even then, I think the Ravens fleeced the 49ers in that deal.

He’s slow, he’s big, he’s generally only good for 2-3 catches a game, and he’s clearly on his last legs.  So, tell me, what do you have to talk shit about, Anquan?  How hard you’re riding the coattails of your more-talented teammates?  How you’ve been riding coattails your entire career?  You’re a joke, and hardly even worth the time it’s taken me to write these four paragraphs.

4.  Donte Whitner

You’re a poor-man’s Ken Hamlin.  You’re all brute-force and zero skill.  The difference between you and Kam Chancellor is night and day.  First of all, Kam Chancellor is bigger and stronger than you.  He hits harder than you.  But, he’s not a complete fuck-up who costs his team 15 yards per hit in personal foul penalties.  And, not for nothing, but he’s a better cover guy than you.  The one thing YOU do well?  He does it better, as well as everything else required to be an elite safety in this league.

5.  The Offensive Line

Hold much?  How about, like, every damn play?  How they get away with it, I’ll never know.

6.  The Fans

Seriously, for a city as cosmopolitan and as fun as San Francisco, the 49ers have THE trashiest fans I’ve ever seen!  Ignorant, front-running, and for some reason violent … I just don’t get it.  Are the bulk of people who go to 49ers games actually from the outlying areas?  What’s the Tacoma-equivalent to San Francisco?  Or, rather, what’s the Yakima-equivalent, because I think we’re getting warmer with that comparison.

If they’re not bitching about how loud it is in our stadium, then they’re bitching about being mis-treated in our stadium.  AT LEAST WE DON’T STAB YOUR FUCKING ASSES!  How many arrests take place during and after your average San Francisco home game?  Let’s try to double it this week, Seahawks fans.  I’ve never encouraged the 12th Man to be violent before, but I think this week, we need to let the 49ers fans know we’re not going to be pushed around.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, Seahawks fans!  Let’s, uhh, let’s be the bigger people … or something.

I swear to Christ, if any 49ers fans among my Facebook friends try to talk shit this week, I’m immediately blocking them.  Especially if they’re family!

I could go on and on, but this is long enough as it is.  Go Hawks.

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