That Time When The Seahawks Drafted Nobody & I Reviewed The Movie “Draft Day”

The Seahawks had the 32nd pick in the first round.  The Seahawks also only had six total picks in the draft.  It’s not hard to understand why the Seahawks traded down to the 40th pick (second round), in order to gain an extra (high) fourth round pick.

Apparently, the Seahawks were keen on Dominique Easley, a big, awesome defensive lineman out of Florida who required ACL surgery.  He likely would have been an upper first round pick, but injury concerns allowed him to fall.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on how things turn out), the New England Patriots snapped him up with the 29th pick, so the Seahawks had no other excuse to remain in the first round.

Obviously, the trade down is a worthwhile endeavor.  The Seahawks need more picks.  And also obviously, there weren’t any other highly graded players left for the Seahawks to take at 32, so why reach when you don’t have to?

In other draft news, God damn the Bills are stupid.  I hate it whenever a team gives away a future first round pick.  I guess since they made the deal with the hard-luck Browns, it’s hard to be too mad at them.  I mean, after all, the Browns just drafted their latest turd of a quarterback, they’re going to need a little extra help going forward.

Also, the Rams look pretty scary.  They got a left tackle and a defensive lineman to go with all their other great defensive linemen.  If they weren’t saddled with Sam Bradford, I’d be legit worried that they’d contend for the division title.

Arizona also traded back and picked up an extra third round pick.  When they finally selected a player, they drafted a safety from WSU who sounds like he’s going to be a beast.  He’d probably have to be if he’s a WSU football player picked in the first round.  He’s not the new quarterback they so desperately need, but that defense is absolutely titanic.

The 49ers took another safety, after drafting a safety in the first round last year.  He’s projecting to be a nickel corner for them, so that’s what they did.  They spent their first round draft pick on an undersized third cornerback.

***

I was about 98% sure the Seahawks were going to trade down.  I was 5,000,000% sure the Seahawks weren’t going to trade UP, so I didn’t see much of a problem skipping the first half of the first round and taking in a movie.  The only problem is:  it’s early May, and all the movies out right now are complete shit.

I work in downtown Seattle, right next to Westlake Center, so I’ve got a couple multiplexes within walking distance.  Out of ALL the movies AMC & Regal have to offer right now, literally the best option was the movie “Draft Day”.

BEYOND THIS POINT, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS

As a quick aside:  Spiderman is the fucking worst; you couldn’t pay me enough to watch that lame-ass “superhero”.  Neighbors looks totally dumb (and not the kind of dumb that’s actually totally awesome; but the kind of dumb that gives us every new Adam Sandler movie).  Transcendence looks like a poor man’s Lawnmower Man (and Johnny Depp REALLY needs to go back to making good movies again).  And, everything else is either a kids movie, a shitty horror movie, or a lame-ass God movie.  No thanks.

Going into this thing, I didn’t necessarily have high hopes that Draft Day would be anything great or enlightening.  But, I figured it would be a semi-entertaining way to kill a couple of hours.  In that, I was not disappointed.

Let me set the fictional universe:  the Seahawks have the #1 pick.  Right off the bat, the movie is making crazy leaps in logic that take me out of the narrative.  I mean, how does the smartest front office in football put out a team that would earn the #1 overall pick?  The only answer to that is:  the Seahawks somehow fleeced some other, crappy team out of its first rounder, and that team ended up being the worst team in the league.  It’s the only way this makes sense.

The Cleveland Browns have the #7 pick, so their story checks out.

Kevin Costner plays the GM of the Browns.  I guess he fired his dad, who was the head coach or something, and then the dad died last week?  I dunno.  Anyway, he’s banging the salary cap guru for the team, played by Jennifer Garner.  We find out right away that she’s pregnant with his child, so there’s that hanging over the whole movie.

Denis Leary plays the head coach of the Browns.  He won a Super Bowl with the Cowboys before running that team into the ground, so it’s kind of like if Jerry Jones was also the coach of the Cowboys, and then got fired somehow, and then went to the Browns.

Anyway, the Browns have this 8-year veteran quarterback coming off of major knee surgery.  He’s been spending the whole offseason getting himself into the “best shape of his life” (sound familiar?).  Denis Leary just needs a couple of pieces (especially a running back) to complete the team and send it back to the playoffs.

However, the Browns’ owner, played by Frank Langella, wants a big splash.  In this fictional universe, there’s only one player who embodies that “big splash” and his name is Bo Callahan, quarterback out of Wisconsin.  Bo is the consensus #1 player in this draft, “the next Andrew Luck”, the whole deal.  Except, he’s also kind of a tool, and may be totally overrated.

For some reason, the “Seahawks” decide to offer the Browns the #1 overall pick.  After some hemming & hawing, the Browns give up this year’s 7th overall pick, as well as their next two first rounders for the right to draft #1.  Now THIS sounds like a smart, Seahawks type of deal!  I’m listening!

Then, the Browns spend the rest of the lead-up to the draft trying to find out what’s wrong with Bo Callahan.  In the end, they don’t like his character and they pick some awesome linebacker #1 overall.  As a result, Bo Callahan starts falling like Johnny Manziel down the draft board.  It gets down to the sixth overall pick, owned by the Jaguars.  They don’t know WHAT to think.  What’s wrong with Bo Callahan???  Meanwhile, the Seahawks are sitting there at #7, licking their chops, because not only are they going to get the best player in the draft, but they’ve also got Cleveland’s next two first rounders!

So, Kevin Costner throws up a hail mary.  He contacts the Jags and convinces them to give up the #6 pick for Cleveland’s next three second round picks (one this year & the next two years after that).  Now that Costner has the #6, he decides to play hardball with the Seahawks.

Now that Bo Callahan has fallen all the way to six, the Seahawks are salivating.  They’ve got it in their heads that the Jags won’t take him, yet if I know my Jags, I know they ALWAYS need a franchise quarterback!  Seemingly without any backup plan, the Seahawks are content to let Bo fall … until they get that call from Costner.  Costner demands his future #1 draft picks back (as well as a punt returner, which just feels a little rude) in order to allow the Seahawks to swap from 7 to 6.  This seems like a bit much, yet because Draft Day is some fantasyland, the Seahawks decide to accept.

Seriously though, what would the Browns have done if the Seahawks declined?  They would have been forced to take Bo Callahan, to prevent the Seahawks from getting everything they wanted, and then they would have had a big ol’ QB controversy!  Either that, or they would have tried to trade Bo post-draft, and I doubt that would’ve went very well.  With the way he fell in the draft, he was damaged goods!  They would’ve had to have kept him, traded their incumbant, and tried to recoup some future draft picks that way (which obviously would’ve backfired for the Browns, because the incumbant would’ve been amazing for his new team).

If this movie were in any way based in reality, that’s exactly what would have happened, and then Bo Callahan would have been a huge bust.  Because such is the life of a Cleveland Browns organization.  Instead, when all was said and done, the Browns gave up three second round picks for the #1 overall selection, and they drafted a Ray Lewis-type linebacker, a running back, and a punt returner, I guess.  Of course, in reality, the running back would be a bust, and the linebacker would suffer nagging injuries throughout his brief NFL career (but, the punt returner would probably be pretty decent).

I mean, we’re talking about an organization whose owner is taking draft and quarterback advice from the homeless!  If they’re going to make a movie about an NFL GM coming into his own and taking the league by storm, why didn’t they go with a more believable franchise?

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