We should be fucking dead, my friend. What happened here was a miracle and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!

I’m simply amazed at the capacity for this team to amaze me.

Playoff MVPs ...

Playoff MVPs …

I don’t know if what we witnessed yesterday was a football game, or some bizarre form of torture porn; all I know is I’m glad it’s over and point me in the direction of the nearest bathroom, because I do believe I’ve soiled myself.

The weather was stupid cold, which as we all know causes freaky shit to happen.  For the vast majority of that game, said “freaky shit” came in the form of every God damn Rams game we’ve ever seen in the last four years:  Seahawks struggling on offense, Seahawks unable to get pressure on defense (because everything is a run or a quick pass), Seahawks getting absolutely none of the breaks (whether it comes to penalties or turnovers).  And, like Every God Damn Rams Game Ever, you knew even though the Seahawks were down, there’d be a comeback.  Although, I have to admit, when the Vikings kicked that third field goal to make it a 2-score game (9-0), most of me didn’t have much hope for the Seahawks, needing to drive twice in the same quarter.

Then, somehow, it finally started to click.  The play of the game (non-field goal edition) just happened to be an errant snap from Patrick Lewis, where Russell Wilson turned chicken shit into a 35-yard completion to Tyler Lockett and a first & goal situation.  And, I shit you not, I was woken from a dead sleep yesterday morning before the game by a vision of a botched shotgun snap resulting in a Wilson sack, so stop trying to tell me “all my visions come true” because sometimes they’re a little off (Pobody’s Nerfect).  A touchdown to the vital and spry Doug Baldwin made the game 9-7, and a forced fumble of Adrian Peterson helped make the game 10-9 on the very next drive.

That led us to the part of the game where I’m glad I muted Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth, because if I had to listen to them blather on about all the 4th quarter collapses the Seahawks have had this year, I would no longer be the owner of a Toshiba flat-screen TV, because that Toshiba flat-screen TV would be lying broken and discarded on top of someone’s vehicle outside of my balcony five stories below.  Good God, I know not everyone watching is a hardcore Seahawks fan, and they have to paint the complete picture, but suck an unhealthy amount of dicks, you guys!

It’s true, though.  The Seahawks HAVE blown a ton of games this year.  Feels like five by my count.  When you get all the way to the fourth quarter before the Seahawks score a point, and then they manage to somehow get 10 points and take a lead, it leaves you wondering, “HOW IN THE FUCK IS THERE STILL 8 MINUTES LEFT IN THIS GAME RIGHT NOW???”  And yet, we forced the 3 & Out, and I’m foolishly thinking, “All right!  Maybe we can score again and lock this shit down!”

We followed up their 3 & Out with one of our own, and then somehow managed to force a punt AGAIN, very close to the 2 minute warning.  All we had to do was get a God damn first down and this game would be ours!  And, even if we failed, their offense wasn’t going anywhere against our defense, when our defense finally had a chance to pin its ears back and attack the quarterback!  We got this!

Sure as shit, we didn’t “got this”.  On 2nd & 10, the Vikings were bailed out on a pathetic pass interference call on Kam Chancellor (seriously, their guy ran straight into Kam; how is that Kam’s fault???), before parlaying that into another long gain by their tight end (the pass just getting beyond the outstretched arms of Kam, who I thought had an underwhelming return, even though he forced the fumble on All Day).  That put the Vikings SQUARE into field goal position (especially when you consider their kicker was lights out all day, hitting from longs of 43 & 47 yards).  Three straight runs after that bled all of our time outs, and all but 26 seconds of game clock, putting them at the 9 yard line.  A chip shot, by every measure, even in 0-degree weather.  He was on the left hash mark, 27 yards away from glory …

And he hooked it left.

Richard Sherman, coming off of the right side, nearly blocked one of his previous kicks, so maybe that was on Blair Walsh’s mind?  Also, the laces were in, but that didn’t prevent him from making a previous kick.  He just flat out blew it, whatever the reason, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

What is it about the Seahawks and breaking the minds, bodies, and spirits of teams and fans in the NFC North?

Like I said at the top, I don’t know what you can say about this team anymore.  We seem to be harvesting multiple generations’ worth of karma in these last few years.  It’s not even like being “clutch”, though there have been some clutch plays.  This team’s overall playoff performance – dating back to 2012 – would look MUCH different if it weren’t for some downright lucky things.  Like the missed chipshot yesterday, or the onside kick against Green Bay last year, or even Colin Kaepernick’s insane decision to throw on Richard Sherman two years ago.

I’ll tell you what, though.  I said it last week and I’ll say it again:  the Seahawks ARE the better team.  When you run into cold weather and dominating, physical defenses, shit tends to happen.  Once again, our offense wasn’t good enough.  Russell Wilson wasn’t good enough, for most of the day.  You don’t have to get rid of the bubble screen altogether, but the bubble screen to Doug Baldwin needs to be ripped out of the playbook and set on fire.  Also, in obvious rushing situations (3rd & 1), what are you doing going with a standard, under-center run formation, when the zone read has been killing them all day?  Shit like this is going to bite us in the end if we keep making the same mistakes we made in the early part of this season!  So, let’s get it on!

And, Jesus Christ, can we get our play calls in faster?

And will someone teach Jon Ryan to run AWAY from contact instead of right at it?

Happy for the win, though.  As the better of the two teams, we’re sure to see a good, competitive couple of games next weekend out of the NFC.  If the Vikings had advanced, I guarantee 10 out of 10 times they’d go into Arizona and get their asses kicked.  So, don’t feel too bad Vikings fans, your would-be glory would’ve been short lived anyway.

Players of the game, I’ve got a few:

Richard Sherman played like a boss all day, coming up huge with his 6 solo tackles, while getting dinged on a bogus illegal contact penalty.

Earl Thomas, Bobby Wagner, and K.J. Wright all came up huge.

Still gotta give props to Kam Chancellor for the rip on A.D.

Michael Bennett might have been the best player on the field today as he sliced his way through their line time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time again.

Kudos to Avril, Mebane, Rubin, and the rest of those guys too, holding Peterson to only 45 yards on 23 carries (not too much of an improvement, tbh, on his 8 carries for 18 yards earlier this season).

Offensive line, I thought, was a mixed bag.  A few really glaring errors, but for the most part gave Wilson enough time, and opened up enough holes in the running game to keep them honest.  Mostly positive day, really, against a really tough front seven.

Christine Michael finished with 70 yards on 21 carries, probably as good as one could expect against that defense.

Doug Baldwin with the SICK 1-handed catch to get a first down, also led the team with 5 catches, 42 yards, and our lone touchdown.

Good on Lockett to get open on that scramble play.  Good on Kearse for being Wilson’s security blanket after dropping the first pass thrown his way on the day.

Finally, good on the special teams for not letting Cordarrelle Patterson, their kick returner, do any damage.  I have to admit, that was a gnawing fear, as I kept hoping the team would start squibbing on those kickoffs, since it was clear Hauschka wasn’t going to have the leg to force any touchbacks.

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