Hey there Broseph and Brosephette! Knee-Jerk Reactionary here.
I’ve been brought aboard to help out with the daily, or almost-daily, game recaps. Because if there’s one thing the Internet loves, it’s pornography! If there’s two things the Internet loves, it’s pornography and cat videos! If there’s THREE things the Internet loves, it’s pornography, cat videos, AND TELLING EVERYONE WHY THEY’RE FUCKING WRONG
As a Mariners fan who spends all his time on Twitter, interacting with the spineless weasels who report on this team for a living, I like to make my opinions known as subtly as possible. And, if that means wishing cancer upon them, or hounding them daily about why the Mariners don’t bring up Abraham Almonte and start him in center, then at least I’ll know I’ve done my due diligence, unlike those clowns at the Seattle Times or Lookout Landing!
Let’s just say there’s a reason why I have only 6 actual Tweets, and 8,000 @-replies. #NoTime2Sleep.
So, who am I? Just your average, passionate Mariners fan, who listens to sports radio all day every day and responds to my favorite DJs on Twitter like they’re talking only to me. Sometimes I forget to take my meds and think Softy really DOES want me to smother my kids in their sleep, so we can run away and start a sports bar together. But, then I take my pills and the voices go away for a while.
Anyway, enough about me! I’m here to talk about the game! The Mariners were in Texas for the second game of the season, and I’m not gonna lie to you, THIS IS THE YEAR! We’re breaking the streak of losing seasons, everyone! World Series Champions Or Bust!
Best Run Differential in the American League? YOUR Seattle Mariners! Most Runs Scored in the American League? YOUR Seattle Mariners! Most Home Runs in the American League? YOUR Seattle Mariners! Lowest ERA in the American League? YOUR Seattle Mariners! Lowest Batting Average Against in the American League? YOUR Seattle Mariners!
What happens when you score the most runs and give up the fewest? You win ALL the games! (except for some flukey bullshit that happened on Monday, whatever THAT was all about)
I mean, I can’t even remember why we were all worried about that bullpen! It’s like, HELLO, they haven’t given up any runs the whole entire season! In my book, that’s the best bullpen in baseball right there.
Time to win today, time to win the rest of this week, and let’s do this thing! #GripItAndRipIt!