#Same #Old #Fucking #Mariners, #Everyone!

You want to tell me it’s early?  You want to tell me this is a brand new team, and we all need to give them a chance to show what they can do?

I’ll tell you about the same turd bouquet wrapped up in a different bow.  4 runs in a 3-game series?  Sure as shit sounds like the Same Old Mariners to me.  0 for Whatever with runners in scoring position?  Now, who does that remind me of?  Oh, I know!  Same Old Mariners!  Two more late-game bullpen meltdowns to throw onto the pile?  Where have I seen that befo – SAME OLD MARINERS!  Of course!

I’ll tell you, that’s one way to stifle the momentum of fan excitement heading into a new season, with a new front office, a new manager, and over 50% new players on the 25-man roster.  Get swept at home by the A’s of all teams in the first three games at Safeco Field this year.  Can’t hit at home?  Especially can’t hit at home in the month of April?  And yet, for some reason, other teams have no trouble whatsoever?  Can’t IMAGINE where I’ve heard that song & dance before!

(same old mariners)

So, what have we learned in the first week?  Well, the hitting is probably going to be worse than we expected.  Doing big things in the friendly confines of Arlington, Texas, gets more than negated by the fact that this team – supposedly built for THIS ballpark – can’t do fuck-all at home.  ONLY 78 MORE SHITTY-ASS HOME GAMES TO GO, EVERYBODY!

We also learned that the rotation might be okay, but that fifth starter spot is going to be trouble all year.  Karns is as Karns does.

We learned that the bullpen is going to be, like, the most vomit-inducing rollercoaster we’ve ever had to endure.  Some nights, it’ll be lockdown.  Some nights, it’ll blow yet another strong King Felix start because this team is bullshit and the world is bullshit and I wish everyone was dead.

Ultimately, we learned that this team can’t change.  These are the Mariners that we’re stuck with.  Meet the new Mariners, same as the old Mariners.  If my excitement level for this team was at a 10 on Friday, it’s at about a 2 now.  So, really great weekend, across the board.

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