King Felix Is On The DL, and I Just Want To Die!

Okay, so it’s only a calf strain, and it will (hopefully) only mean him missing a couple starts, but running into a bunch of DL stints all at the same time (Marte, Martin, now Felix) is NOT the type of cluster luck with which I want the Mariners to be associated!

In his place, James Paxton was called up from Tacoma, pulled down his pants, stood atop the toilet seat, and proceeded to wave his ass back and forth as he sprayed diarrhea everywhere EXCEPT inside the bowl.  I don’t want to say his first start back in the Majors last night (3.2 innings, 10 hits, 8 runs, 3 earned runs – thanks to his OWN throwing error in the first inning – 1 walk, 7 strikeouts, 2 bigtime home runs) is the reason my wife left me and my kids want nothing to do with me, but God damn it Claudia, stop telling little Boris and Jim-Jim their “real father” is in prison because it makes them feel better!

So, yeah, the Mariners got a taste of their own medicine a little bit last night.  After smashing the Padres on get-away day on Tuesday, 16-4; the Padres returned the favor to the tune of 14-6.  Aside from Paxton, I guess, having a case of the jitters(?) even though this isn’t his first rodeo in the Big Leagues, he had good velocity on his fastball to the bitter end, which isn’t nothing.  I hardly expect all of his starts to go this poorly, so it’ll be nice if he can maintain that velo, at least until we have a chance to trade him – with other prospects – in order to get that second ace starting pitcher we’ll likely need in the second half of the year.

Beyond Paxton, Joel Peralta provided us with his near-daily reminder that he’s not long for this team.  At this point, he’s trying to get people out with batting practice fastballs, and MF-ing Charlie Furbush and Tony Zych can’t return to full health soon e-fucking-nough.

On the flip, if Paxton hadn’t had a total first inning meltdown, we could’ve easily won last night’s game.  Cano jacked a 3-run homer in the top of the first to give us a brief lead.  Seager went 4 for 5 and is making the game of baseball look silly right now.  Guti, Lee, and Sardinas also had multi-hit games last night to improve their numbers.  On a normal night, 14 hits and 6 runs is more than enough to win you a game, so I wouldn’t read too much into last night, other than Get Well Soon, Felix.

After today, we won’t have San Diego to kick around for the rest of the year, so let’s make it count!  So, Wade Miley, can you do us all a favor and sack up this once?

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