This Dumb Marshawn Lynch Story Is Dumb

When I was a kid, my mom would buy lottery tickets, and every once in a while – usually right before they announced the numbers on TV (remember when that was a thing?) – my mom would ask us what we wanted to do when we won.  And we’d perk up and get all excited, listing off all the stuff we’d buy, the places we’d see, the houses we’d live in.

And then we’d not win the lottery.  Because it’s the fucking lottery.  And we’d all be a little disappointed and return to stupid reality for the rest of the night.

It’s like that.  A little bit.  Like when you’re in high school or college and you’re sitting around with your friends making plans, talking about taking a trip somewhere or pooling your money together to open up a bar.  It’s not serious!  It’s not real!  But, you talk about it like it is, until it starts feeling real.  Then, you wake up with your hangover and it was all a dream.

It’s like that, again, a little bit.  Like sitting around worrying about what your friends are going to do after college, that FOMO feeling you have absolutely no control over.  What’s going to happen is going to happen, so what’s the point in getting all worked up over it?  Why dream about shit that’s never going to happen in a million years?  I’m not saying don’t have dreams, but only dream about something if you’re going to work to make it a reality; otherwise you’re just jerking yourself off.

This Marshawn Lynch thing is so stupid.  Will he come out of retirement?  WHO CARES?  I hate having opinions about hypotheticals!  But, we’re in the middle of March and there’s no NBA in Seattle, so I have literally nothing else to write about.  If I had my druthers, I wouldn’t write a damn thing about this ordeal until something ACTUALLY happens.

This is me, jerking myself off.  This post is my handful of cum.

I love Beastmode as much as the next guy and wish he’d never retired in the first place.  I wish he was playing for the Seahawks last year and I wish he would’ve dominated for us while Russell Wilson was hobbled.  He might not have gotten us to a Super Bowl, but he would’ve made all the difference in the world had he remained healthy for the full year.

But, he did retire, and he didn’t play a lick of football last year.  I think it’s dumb to want to come back after a layoff like that, but if that’s what he wants to do, more power to him.  If he wants to play for his hometown Raiders, all the better.  I think he’d fit in really well on that team and maybe push them over the top.  I also think the Raiders would be foolish to trade for him at the cap number he’s at now; they’d be much better off taking a flyer on him at the minimum, plus incentives.

Which is exactly why there’s zero chance the Raiders give up even a 7th round draft pick for him.  If you’re a Seahawks fan thinking otherwise, you’re deluding yourself.  The Seahawks have zero leverage in this thing.  They can’t hold Lynch hostage because they can’t afford the $9 million cap hit.  Besides, they wouldn’t hold him hostage, because he was a HUGE part of our success, and the franchise has eyes on remaining affiliated with him going forward.  I’m sure his spot in the Ring of Honor is only a formality.  Having him come back to raise the 12 flag is only a matter of time.  Hell, they might even want to retire his 24 at some point down the line.  They won’t be able to do that if they piss him off now by not letting him go to sign with Oakland.

Again, though, I go back to Lynch.  Why would he want to do this?  Why would he want to come back for the minimum?  Why would he want to put his body through the grinder and risk another serious injury?  He’s done it all!  He’s made millions, he’s got his ring, he’s got a pretty strong case for the Hall of Fame as it is, and he had the luxury of going out on top (or, at least, with the ability to play multiple seasons more).  How many running backs can say that, aside from Jim Brown and Barry Sanders?

NFL Twitter is great, because you stay current on all the latest news and you’re able to learn more about salary cap and draft prospects than you ever could just trying to sift through ESPN or SI.com.  But, I’ve read more God damned Tweets about Marshawn Lynch possibly returning over the past week than I care to, and it’s driving me fucking insane.  Let this PLEASE be the last word on this until something actually happens.

Thank you, and goodnight.

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