Seattle Mariners – Bend Over, Here It Comes Again

There’s an old timey military slang term for ANY Mariners occasion!

Yesterday, I told you to “Remember This Day” because in all likelihood, that was going to be as good as it got this season.  Later on in that post, I made the argument that the Mariners should use Paxton every fifth day as opposed to every fifth game, because the rest of our rotation is fucking God awful and we needed to maximize our lone quality starter as much as possible in this stretch run.  I would go on to say the team most certainly wouldn’t do that though, then added, “The way this season is going, Paxton will probably blow out his arm tonight and the point will be moo.”

DO I KNOW THESE SEATTLE MARINERS OR DO I KNOW THESE SEATTLE MARINERS???

Look, I’m not saying you should worship me as your lord and savior, but I am saying the end is fucking nigh and you might as well get a jumpstart on saying your prayers now.

I mean, can you even fucking believe this fucking season?  Can you even fucking believe these fucking Mariners?  As ALWAYS, the instant we get some positivity, some hope, some optimism for the future into our lives, the Mariners do literally everything in their power to rain diarrhea down all over our faces.

We were already in a position where Paxton had to win out.  That was always going to be the bare minimum to staying in legitimate contention (and not the “3 games out with 3 days to go” sort of contention the Mariners have been in in recent seasons, where everything had to go absolutely perfectly the final week of the season just to tie for a second Wild Card spot).  So, obviously, losing last night in a Paxton start is far from ideal.  As I got into yesterday, with the shit sandwich we’ve got going over the weekend in Gonzales-Ramirez-Miranda (where instead of a piece of shit in between two pieces of bread, the sandwich is concocted of three stacked pieces of shit), the odds of even winning just ONE of those games seems pretty remote.

But, then to lose Paxton to a pectoral injury (where he’ll have his MRI today and we’ll find out if he needs to go on the DL or not) is just the kind of ass raping Mariners fans should have come to expect not only from this season, but this lifetime of Mariners fandom.

The Seattle Mariners:  Stick Around Long Enough & You’re Guaranteed To Get Fucked In Your Tight Little Asshole.

There are simply no words to describe my emotional state exactly.  Numb is certainly high on the list, because who exactly could be shocked by this?  Rage, as well, not at any one person, but more at just life itself.  As the website motto states, “Why Do We Put Ourselves Through This?”  I’ll continue to ask that of myself to my final breath.  There’s sadness, of course.  Little bit of depression.  And just a pinch of lunatic hilarity, because come on, this isn’t REAL!  This isn’t a THING that HAPPENS!  Teams don’t just lose all their pitchers – except for their very WORST one in Gallardo – stay in contention, then climb into the driver’s seat when they get some of their pitchers back, only to lose those pitchers once again!  The film version of this season would be sent back for constant re-writes because there’s no way Hollywood could buy this kind of madness!

Oh, and get this!  The kicker!  Last night, Paxton was a little off and gave up 3 runs in his 6.1 innings of work (why the team would risk sending him out there again to blow past 100 pitches in the seventh inning is something to discuss another day).  The Mariners were pretty well shut down by Tyler Skaggs over the same number of innings, and the game went into the bottom of the eighth with the M’s still trailing 3-0.  Then, all of a sudden, Jean Segura hit a solo homer to get us on the board; Cano doubled to continue the rally; and Nelson Cruz blasted a 2-run home run to centerfield to tie the game up!  Here we go!

With Edwin Diaz coming in to pitch the bottom of the ninth (in a non-save situation, with no save situations forthcoming because the Mariners were at home and that’s not how saves work in extra innings, with the proper protocol being you use your best relievers in this situation, and Diaz is our best reliever, so there’s no point in saving him for later, please get that through your thick heads, you can’t just NOT pitch him in tie games because there’s not a save on the line, that’s fucking stupidity and you look like morons when you go on Twitter and complain about this; if it were a road game, you might have a case, but not in a home situation where the home team has final at-bats), it looked like things might turn out not so horrific, all things considered.

But, Diaz didn’t have it, the home plate umpire REALLY didn’t have it (and I don’t think he ever does, because that guy is the second-worst umpire in all of baseball; you know who #1 is), the bases were loaded with two outs for Mike Trout, and he did the rest, because that’s what he does.  He hunts down and slaughters Mariners FOR FUN!  Sure, he makes millions of dollars playing the game of baseball, but he would murder Seattle Mariners for free, that’s how much that sick fuck enjoys it.

So, here we are.  Remember last year, around this time, the Angels were in town for Ken Griffey Jr. weekend?  Remember how the crowds were electric?  Remember how I went to all three of those games that weekend, got all the free shit they gave away, and generally had a fantastic time getting day drunk and night drunk and day drunk again?

Also, remember how the Mariners won all three of those games, like it was fate?  They pulled themselves out from obscurity and made another run at “contention” and we, as Mariners fans, were on Cloud 9 for at least one weekend in August?

Well, here we are again.  The Angels are in town for Edgar Martinez weekend.  I won’t be there on Sunday, but I’ll be there tonight and tomorrow.  And, I’ve got a REALLY bad feeling that the Mariners are going to get swept, and we’re going to have last year to thank.

Oh, you don’t believe in karma?  That’s fine.  The Mariners are going to lose anyway.  Because that’s what they do.  And I’ll be right there, soaking it all in, day drinking and night drinking and day drinking again anyway.

Because that’s what I do!