The Devastatingly-Injured Seattle Sports Hell Power Rankings

Well, as exciting as it sounds, it looks like we’re barrelling towards a New England vs. Whoever Super Bowl.  Hooray.

Somehow, the Patriots not only get saddled with the world’s worst divisional opponents, but they get to represent the lesser of two conferences as well.  Meanwhile, the NFC churns on its own entrails until some poor battered and broken team is unfortunate enough to be force-fed Tom Brady’s cock.  Just once, I’d like to see what it’s like for the Patriots to have to go through what every other team in every other conference has to go through, but that almost certainly will never happen until Brady & Belichick retire, so I guess they get to have the last laugh and we all get to fucking choke on it.

  • Philadelphia (8-1)
  • New England (7-2)
  • L.A. Rams (7-2)
  • New Orleans (7-2)
  • Pittsburgh (7-2)
  • Kansas City (6-3)
  • Carolina (7-3)
  • Minnesota (7-2)

A matchup of Philly and New England could be fun, I suppose.  It sure feels like the rest of the season is a formality and that’s our final destination.  The Eagles have just enough defense, Carson Wentz has taken a huge leap forward, and they’ve got plenty of stars on offense to score in bunches.  I haven’t followed them super closely, but my only question would be:  how does Wentz look when the chips are down and he’s got to bring his team back by a couple scores?  We know what Brady and the Patriots can do, but are the Eagles just a bunch of front-runners?  As for the rest in the top 8, it’s the usual suspects.  I had Carolina take a big leap forward because they legitimately look pretty great.  Shame to see, if I’m being honest.

  • Seattle (6-3)
  • Detroit (5-4)
  • Dallas (5-4)
  • Tennessee (6-3)
  • Jacksonville (6-3)
  • Washington (4-5)
  • Atlanta (5-4)
  • Buffalo (5-4)

It’s amazing how far the drop-off is between these top two groups.  Seattle’s too inconsistent, and has feasted on a shitty schedule.  The Lions suddenly can’t win games with late 4th quarter comebacks anymore (it’s like their previous pace was unsustainable or something!).  It appears the Cowboys are only as good as their offensive line allows.  The Titans are pretty balanced, but unimpressive; the Jags are great on defense, but unimpressive.  And the last three deserve to be in the next grouping down, but I gotta keep going with this bit of having four 8-team groups.

  • Oakland (4-5)
  • N.Y. Jets (4-6)
  • L.A. Chargers (3-6)
  • Baltimore (4-5)
  • Denver (3-6)
  • Miami (4-5)
  • Arizona (4-5)
  • Green Bay (5-4)

It’s getting harder and harder to believe that any of these teams are going to make the leap into the upper half, but unless the Bills right the ship, you gotta figure the final AFC Wild Card team is in this section, and it could literally be any of these teams.  Even the Chargers!  I’m looking at an 8-8 team making the playoffs out of the AFC, so it’s wide open here.  If you’re an NFC team in this section, however, you’re playing for next year.

  • Indianapolis (3-7)
  • Tampa Bay (3-6)
  • Chicago (3-6)
  • Houston (3-6)
  • Cincinnati (3-6)
  • San Francisco (1-9)
  • N.Y. Giants (1-8)
  • Cleveland (0-9)

I’ve never been more certain about a ranking than I am about these 8 teams.  Hoo boy are they terrible!  Don’t feel too bad for the 49ers or Texans though; I’ve already got them pegged for huge turnarounds in 2018.  Next year, Houston makes the playoffs and probably wins their division.  I think for the 49ers, they’ll make the post-season in 2019.  Count the Bucs as dark horses when they ditch this coaching staff.  The Colts, Bengals, and Giants probably need to make wholesale changes.  And the Browns are always and forever gonna Browns.

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