Felix Flirts With The No-No, Buys Her Drinks, Takes Her Dancing …

… and goes home with blue balls.

Last night, my guy and yours, Felix Abraham Hernandez, got into the 8th.  He needed just 6 more outs.  And by no means was he gassed; he was somewhere around 80 pitches at that point.

Danke Schoen, Darlin' Danke Schoen ...

At that point, he’d retired 21 in a row.  Leadoff hitter in the 1st inning, Elvis Andrus, walked to open the game.  He was erased on a fielder’s choice; then David Murphy struck out swinging and Vladimir Guerrero flew out to right.  From then on:  3 up and 3 down.

Until that chickenfucker Nelson Cruz blasted a solo home run to leadoff the 8th inning.  Right into the beer garden.  Whoever threw the ball back out onto the field almost made it all the way to second base.  There was a nice ovation from the crowd once Cruz finished rounding third base.  There was a little trouble after that – Kinsler flew out to deep center, followed by 2 singles, a pop out to third base, 2 cases of indifference, and a weak grounder to short stop to end the affair with runners at second and third – but nothing our guy Felix A. Hernandez couldn’t handle.  Walking off the field, he gave a tip of his cap to the crowd.

Fortunately for him, David Aardsma came in for the 9th and shut down the heart of the order (the heart, that is, before Nelson Cruz).  Because if he hadn’t, I was right there.  Section 114, row 7, seat 8.  Wouldn’t have taken much for me to run out on that God damn field and give him the pummelling of a lifetime!

Hey, a quick shout-out to Julio Borbon, centerfielder and all around pussy-bitch who bats 9th for the Texas Rangers:  quit being a little pussy bitch!  With 1 out in the 6th inning, this little fucking wanker BUNTED; can you even fucking believe it?  Had that ball not went right back to Felix on the mound for an easy throw-out at first, he would’ve been absolutely murdered in the sports press.  You can’t do that!  After the 4th inning of a no-hit bid, if you’re trying to bunt your way on, you should have your ass kicked by your own team!  In my scorecard, I changed his name to “Bunt Pussy” and I suggest you do the same.

Yeah, C.J. Wilson went the 8-inning Complete Game, yeah he only gave up 2 runs, but let’s not sit here and say he was any kind of good.  The guy is slower than old people fucking out on the mound; put a runner on and you’re in for a 30-minute half inning.  And, for a lefty, he is BALLS when it comes to holding a runner.  We had FIVE stolen bases (all in the first 3 innings), including 2 in the 3rd for Ichiro, another in the 3rd for Figgins, one in the 2nd for Gutierrez (could have had two, but the hit-and-run fielder’s choice to get him to 2nd wasn’t necessary with the jump he had), and one by Michael Saunders of all people!

I’ll give Wilson no credit for “Settling Down” after giving up those 2 runs to us; settling down against the Mariners offense is pretty much just not sucking a lot of dick.  He’s a junkballer if I’ve ever seen one, and on this night, 2 runs was all Felix would need.

One of these days.  God damn, one of these DAYS!  Felix IS going to throw a no-hitter!  I will see it in person, I will keep score that game, and it will be GLORIOUS hanging framed on my wall!

6 little outs.  I’ve seen him get those last 6 outs before.  Some games, he looks stronger, nastier, pumped to the utmost with swagger in that 8th inning.  Pitching like his life depended on it.  Throwing bolts of lightning with so much movement the catcher doesn’t even know where they’ll end up (last night, he threw a 93 mile per hour change-up … 93!).  I’ve seen those 6 outs go down in order before; with his pitch count WELL above 80.

One of these days, those 6 little outs, one by one, will be dismissed back to their road dugout along with the 21 batters before them.  Felix will be perfect.  And I’ll probably cry like a little girl when it happens.

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