The Carolina Panthers: The Best 1-10 Team In The NFL

Saying nothing everything of the fact that they’re the ONLY 1-10 team in the NFL.

If you ranked every team on a scale from 1 to 10, where 10 was the best NFL team this year, last week’s Kansas City team would be about a 6.  MAYBE a 7.  Conversely, the Panthers are a -12.

It’s a REALLY good thing this is Apple Cup week, though, because otherwise the big sports story in Seattle would be:  “The Entire City Shits Its Pants Over The Most Frightening 1-10 Team In History.”  You know morale is low when everyone thinks the Seahawks are much closer on that 1 to 10 scale to Carolina than we are to the Chiefs.  But, that’s what happens when you can’t run the ball, when your passing game is entirely dependant upon an injured Mike Williams, and you just got shredded last week in your home stadium by two guys.

Well, here’s the deal Seattle!  I’m here to tell you right now you have nothing to worry about!  We ARE going to beat these guys!  Because 1. they have the worst offense I’ve ever seen, 1-a. they’re starting Jimmy Clausen, 1-b. they can’t run the ball even when they HAD the two-headed monster of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart (the former having been sent to IR purgatory) because 1-c. their offensive line is considerably worse than last year and 1-d. their play-calling is attrocious. 

Here’s a hint, Carolina:  when your quarterback stinks (Delhomme, Moore, Clausen, St. Pierre) RUN THE BALL.  Run it 40 times a game!  Your best bet is to chew through as much clock as possible, even if you’re only averaging 2 yards per carry; RUN, THAT, SHIT!

The only reason Carolina isn’t considered hands down the worst team in the NFL is because their defense isn’t the apocalypse; for some reason a team with a terrible defense is considered much much worse than a team with a terrible offense.  But look, there’s a reason every desperate guy who plays fantasy football chooses the Team Defense vs. Carolina; it’s guaranteed money.  Carolina has scored more than 20 points just twice (23 both times) and they’re averaging slightly less than 13 points per game.

And hear me now!  If you’re concerned because they racked up 23 against Cleveland last week, just take those Panther dicks out of your mouths and understand that Jake Delhomme is the worst quarterback in the NFL and threw a pick-six because he ALWAYS throws a pick-six.  There’s a reason why the worst team in the NFL (Carolina) cut Jake Delhomme, and that’s it.

One could argue that they’ve faced probably the toughest schedule in the NFL (the South has 3 winning teams, on top of playing the AFC North as well as the Bears and Giants), but they haven’t even been remotely competitive in most of their games (the lone win was against the 49ers … NFC West, go figure).  And, to top off everything I’ve just said, they’re flying out here cross-country, playing in a hostile environment that’s likely to be super cold and potentially rainy.  I like our chances.

Seahawks in a rout.  Now pull your panties out of their bunches and get ready for the Apple Cup of all Apple Cups.

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