The Super Bowl Is Giving Me A Don’t-Care-Gasm

I used to care!  When I was ten, eleven, twelve, I used to passionately follow playoff football.  Deconstructing all the matchups between teams, figuring out possible scenarios, choosing a favorite amongst the playoff teams and rooting like crazy that they get to the next round, choosing ANOTHER favorite when my last favorite inevitably lost because they were a huge underdog to go all the way in the first place.

That’s kinda what happens when you’re young and the team you root for in the regular season never even sniffs the post-season.  You live vicariously through other teams, other cities.  I used to have a hard-on a mile wide for the Atlanta Falcons, back when they had Deion Sanders and Jerry Glanville and their all-black uniforms with their all-black helmets.  They were BAD-ASS.  But, they never did shit; if they ever made the playoffs they’d inevitably lose in the first round as a wild card.

(For the record, I was a big fan of the Atlanta Hawks as well; Dominique Wilkins and all that.  Would have made my damn LIFE if the Sonics and the Hawks made it to the finals.  ‘Course, I would have ceased liking the Hawks had that happened, but that’s neither here nor there.  In reality, they were both #1 seeds in 1994 and they both ended up losing WELL before the championship round).

You know what happens when you get a taste of the Super Bowl, though?  The playoffs are ONLY exciting when your team is in them.  That excitement trumps ANY youthful enthusiasm you may have had back when you were a kid and your team sucked.  And once your team loses, there’s a hangover that sticks with you the rest of the way.

Of course, it doesn’t help (especially this year) when after my Seahawks lost there wasn’t another team I even REMOTELY like.  The Jets are entertaining in the week leading up to the game; boring as hell on Sunday afternoon (and I REALLY hate Mark Sanchez with a passion).  The Bears are fucking assholes; Jay Cutler is a dick and deserved all the criticism he got for BEING a dick.  The Steelers are the Steelers, ’nuff said.  And the Packers are the Packers!  You’d think nobody ever said “We want the ball and we’re gonna score” before!

By the way, 4th and 26.  That’s all I have to say to the Packer Backers out there.  Sure, that was the Eagles and not the Seahawks, but guess what:  we all have our mortal playoff blunders.  Just so happens ours came at the hands of a 5th receiver who ran the wrong route.  YOURS was just bad defense and cost you a Super Bowl.  Suck it.

Anyway, in spite of all that, is there even any doubt who I’m rooting for this week?  Let’s put it this way, practically none of the Packers playing in this game were involved in EITHER of our playoff defeats in the last decade (the other being the snow game dismantling in 2008).  There are enough annoying asshole dipwads on this Steelers team from Super Bowl XL to make my hate and vitriol well deserved.

You’ve got Hines Ward running around being a chump and smiling all the time.  You’ve got Randel El, the stupid asshole who was the only receiver to ever throw a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl.  You’ve got Polamalu who needs a GODDAMN HAIRCUT YOU HIPPIE!  And of course, where would we be without the awe-inspiring quarterback play of Ben Rapistberger.  If, by awe-inspiring, I mean sucking a tremendous amount of dick for most of the game and then getting lucky with a miraculous sideline catch in the endzone (or, in the case of XL, just plain sucking dick and going home with a ring because the rest of your team carried your dumb ass).

Yeah, so I guess you could say I’m rooting for the Packers.  I’m not particularly enthusiastic about it though.  At least this beats the game two years ago.  I watched that Arizona/Pittsburgh matchup with about as much mirth as taking a shotgun out back to shoot my rabies-infested dog.  Not gonna lie to you, I only semi-rooted for the Steelers in that game (if you can even call slumped on a couch in a darkened room “semi-rooted”) because I wanted to spread around the misery.  Fuck the Cardinals; they’re in our division now and the last thing I want to see is them winning a Super Bowl before us.

But this time?  Well, it’s time.  The Steelers – the proclaimed Best Organization in Football – needs to be taken down a peg or two.  I can’t sit there and see a lousy fucking quarterback win his third Super Bowl just because he has a monster defense and is such a fat ass that nobody can sack him before he makes some crazy throw on 3rd and 19!  He’s like Eli Manning on Mallomars!

Rapistberger needs to taste major defeat, and I’m not talking about getting turned down for sex in a bathroom.  There are ways around taking ‘no’ for an answer, am I right?  He needs to suffer.  I want to see him balling on the sideline after a 5-interception day.

By the way?  Those days are coming back, my friend.  In a few years, you WILL be Jake Delhomme.  Count on it.

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