Looking for breaking news or hard-hitting opinion? This isn’t where you want to be. It’s 4pm on a Friday as I start this and I’m just waiting for some of that I-5 traffic to die down. With a couple hours to kill, I hereby present you a list of Seahawks (both past and present) if they were chicks I would theoretically bang (written obnoxiously in the second person; so really, it’s the chicks YOU would theoretically bang). Essentially, this is an opinion piece, but you’re going to have to use your imagination a little bit. It’s sure to be offensive to both women and the specific players mentioned. I’m sure I don’t give a shit.
Charlie Whitehurst is that chick you meet at a bar when you’ve already downed about a dozen Captain & Cokes. You saw her earlier in the evening and winced accordingly, but in a blackout state, your loins conspire against you. At closing time, both of you forget your tabs, hail a taxi, sloppily make out in the back for the subsequent 15 minutes the cabbie is overcharging you for a 5-minute ride. You wake up in her bed the next morning as she’s snoring her cowpie breath in your face; you collect as much of your clothing as you can find and get the fuck out of there before the beast awakens. A month later, you find out you have herpes.
Tarvaris Jackson is the same girl as Charlie Whitehurst, only the next morning you’re roused by her boyfriend punching you in the gut. He kicks your ass for the next ten minutes, you’re forced to do the walk of shame buck naked. And a month later, you still find out you have herpes.
Jeff Reed is the super-hot girl you think is “the one”, except you’re the only person who can’t see that she’s fucking crazy. All your friends try to talk you out of her, reminding you of that time she flipped out with a crowbar on your car because she thought you were cheating on her (when, in reality, you were having an innocent chat with a co-worker), but for whatever reason (hotsex) you just don’t understand (hotsex) that she’s just no good for you until it’s too late. Ultimately, you find her cheating on you with your best friend and you vow, “Never again. I’m just dating good, wholesome, normal girls from now on.”
T.J. Houshmandzadeh is the stripper you meet at the club when you’re in Vegas. You’re drunk, you’re around your friends, and you’ve already blown $200 on lapdances. So, you sweet talk her into “something more”. You know what you want, she knows what you want, so she takes you into the back and you get the blowjob of a lifetime. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted and more. Then, when it’s all over, an 8-foot, 400 pound bouncer lumbers over with a tab for a shitload of money. You put it all on your credit card in one sobering moment. You tell yourself that you’re never going to overpay for sexual favors ever again.
Pete Carroll is like having sex with your boss. Yeah, she’s old, but she keeps herself in decent-enough condition. Mostly, you’re in it because you find power sexy. And afterward, you brag to absolutely no one.
Kelly Jennings is that “friend with benefits” you keep around who you don’t really like, and who absolutely WON’T stop calling you five times a day. You keep telling yourself, “That was the LAST time I’m calling her for a booty call,” but then there you are, a few weeks later, alone. On your fifth glass of whiskey. Pushing the “Send” button on your phone.
Russell Okung is a girl you’ve been dating for a few weeks, but for whatever reason is holding out for “the right time”. So you just make out and cuddle and then she asks you to take her home. Then, finally, you convince her to stay over. You’re both hot and heavy on the couch, then, as you stagger over to the bedroom, pulling off articles of clothing as you go, she trips over her skirt and suffers a high ankle sprain.
Tim Ruskell is a fairly attractive girl you meet in a bar. You take her home, have your way with her, and promise to call her the next day. You don’t call her. A few weeks go by and she shows up on your doorstep telling you she’s pregnant. Not only is she pregnant with your child, but she’s also underage (having gotten into the bar with a fake ID). She tells you she’ll call the cops on you if you don’t stay with her. So, you’re stuck, you’re taking care of her and the kid. Finally, after she turns 18, you feel you’re free to leave her; but you’re still paying child support on the kid for many years to come.
Deion Branch is a co-worker you start seeing on the side even though you’ve been married for a decade. Things are going so well, you decide to divorce so you can openly have her as your girlfriend. This is when you realize that dating your co-worker is a terrible idea. Not only do you end up splitting with her in a few weeks, but you’re relegated to being a weekend dad for your two kids, letting them sleep on a pull-out sofa in your bachelor pad apartment. Eventually, you find someone else. She earns half of what your ex-wife makes for a living, she’s five years older than your ex-wife, and she’s got two kids of her own who don’t get along with your kids.
Matt Hasselbeck is your ex-wife. You had a great run, but you decide you want to go in for the younger model. Meanwhile, your ex loses 40 pounds, starts dressing sexier, and hooks up with a guy half her age.
Robert Gallery is a cougar you meet in a night club. She’s forgotten more than you’ll ever know in the sack. She’s weirdly strong for someone with no muscle definition. And she scares the bejesus out of you. Just do as she says and nobody gets hurt.
Jerramy Stevens is a girl you hook up with in college. You can’t believe your good fortune that you bagged someone so hot, but then she turns around the next day and tells all your friends (and all the girls you know) that you have a small wiener and lasted less than two minutes. After that, you avoid her and her friends like the plague while seriously contemplating ways you could shave her head while she sleeps.