Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings

To take the title one step further (HO-HO, it’s funny because most people do power rankings, but this … this is the opposite of that …), I was going to rank all the teams on a scale of 0 to 500 million sperms.  But, that seemed to be a bit … gross.

I don’t know why, but one of my favorite moments of every week during football season is when ESPN comes out with their Power Rankings.  It’s a pointless exercise:  what do a bunch of eggheads over at ESPN think is the order of NFL teams from best to worst?  But, whatever, I find it entertaining.  I like lists!  Something so inconsequential can make people so batshit crazy with rage (unlike the BCS rankings – which actually does have an effect on a team and where it finishes in relation to the National Championship – and which deserves all the batshit crazy rage foisted upon it).

For instance, I find this week’s list interesting.  They have the Seahawks as the very worst team in the NFL.  I guess I’m a little surprised, but I also find it somewhat encouraging.  Who knows; maybe all this negativity surrounding the team will lead to a black cloud of despair, which will in turn lead to more and more losses!  (I also find their list interesting because I don’t trust Green Bay’s defense as far as I can throw it; I don’t think they’re long for the ranks of the undefeated).

The following is a list of the teams I feel have the best chance of getting Andrew Luck.  Unlike the ESPN poll, this will be a list steeped in futility, with the Number 1 team being the very worst of the worst.  Also, unlike ESPN, I’m not just going to look at what happened in the previous week and make a snap judgment.  I mean, all of a sudden Buffalo rises 11 spots just because they got a last-second touchdown in their win over Oakland?  What does THAT mean?  That one touchdown makes them 11 spots better than if they hadn’t scored at all on that drive?

Also, I’m not in the business of ranking ALL the teams here.  Because who cares if Green Bay or New England have the lowest odds of drafting Andrew Luck?  My list is only going to include the top (or bottom, depending on how you look at it) ten or so teams.

Finally, for the record, I decided to wait until after Week 2 because it would be idiotic to rank the teams beforehand.  You don’t REALLY know how well most teams are going to play in the preseason.  And after one week, all you know is that half the teams won and half the teams lost.

So, here we go.  The Week 3 Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings:

  1. Seattle (0-2) – A real test is coming up this weekend.  Seattle’s home opener is going to be one of their most important games of the season.  Losing games like these to teams like Arizona is what separates the bad from the real suck-asses.  A loss this week makes 0-5 a veritable lock before the BYE.  A win here and the Seahawks are thrown into a tizzy.
  2. Cincinnati (1-1) – Yeah, okay, so they beat Cleveland in Cleveland.  I still refuse to buy this offense!  The only thing they’ve got going for them (which ultimately will send them tumbling down my list if I’m wrong) is their creampuffy schedule.  Cincy’s next five games:  vs. SF, vs. Buf, @ Jax, vs. Ind, @ Sea.  We’ll see how off-base I am if they lay the lumber to the 49ers this weekend.
  3. Indianapolis (0-2) – You could make the argument that Indy has played the worst overall football of anyone in the league through their first two games.  I’m not gonna argue with you too much, but I will say that Houston looks pretty damn good this year.  And as for Cleveland, they shocked some teams last year and I expect that to continue this year.  Nevertheless, Kerry Collins is awful.  BUT, the main reason I won’t put them lower on the list is:  while Collins is awful, he’s still a veteran.  These veteran types, if they stay healthy, always tend to squeak out a victory here and there that nobody expects.  Granted, it probably won’t happen this week against the Steelers; I’m telling you, it’s gonna happen.  And, if Peyton Manning doesn’t get shut down for the entire season, I’d be on the lookout for some cheap wins at the end to take them out of the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes.  Until Manning is officially put on IR, I’m going to be hard-pressed to put Indy at the top of my list.
  4. Jacksonville (1-1) – ESPN has the Jags ranked 21st.  That’s INSANE!  They cut David Garrard, they barely beat the Titans in week 1 at home, and now they’ve got themselves an official Quarterback Controversy.  Pick your poison:  Mr. 4-Interception Luke McCown, or Rookie Blaine Gabbert.  Don’t sleep on Jacksonville; they may have started out 1-0, but they might end up 1-15.
  5. Kansas City (0-2) – KC scares me right now.  They’ve been outscored 89-10 in the first two games.  They lost Jamaal Charles for the season (among many other injuries).  Matt Cassel has 4 picks to his lone TD.  AND, their first place schedule isn’t doing them any favors (well, I take that back, they do go to Indy in week five).  What I’m hanging my hat on right now is this:  they’ve played two of the best offenses in the NFL.  Detroit and Buffalo have been shot out of a cannon and are keeping pace quite well with the likes of New England, Green Bay, and New Orleans.  Plus, in spite of the injuries, KC isn’t THIS bad.  They’re not going to continue to get blown out by 40 points every game!  Cassel will pick his game up and KC will end up with 4 or 5 wins probably.  Don’t forget, the AFC West isn’t THAT good.
  6. Carolina (0-2) – The Panthers are CERTAINLY a much better team than I gave them credit for, and that comes all the way down to Cam Newton being the second coming of Johnny Unitas.  Back-to-back 400-yard passing games, back-to-back 1-score defeats to the likes of Arizona (on the road) and the NFL champion Green Bay Packers (at home).  And guess what!  This week they host their expansion sisters Jacksonville.  If that doesn’t spell 1-2, I don’t know what does.  Mark my words, Carolina will beat at least one playoff-bound team this year (to go along with a handful of non-playoff bound teams).  I fully expect Carolina to drop on my Suck for Luck rankings as the season progresses.
  7. Cleveland (1-1) – I have to put the Browns on here because they lost to the Bengals at home.  That’s pretty much my only reason.  They have a ton of winnable games this year and will likely be the 2011 version of the 2010 Oakland Raiders (except, they already lost a game in their division, so I guess scratch that).
  8. Miami (0-2) – Tough start for the Dolphins.  Two home games, two home losses.  It’s not getting ANY easier with three road games against Cleveland, San Diego, and the Jets.  In fact, the more I look at this thing, the less I’m liking the looks of the Dolphins.  They play the NFC East (which appears strong across the board), and the AFC West (which is bad, but is it any worse than the Dolphins?).  I have to hold onto my belief that the Dolphins are better than this and will gut out some victories here and there.  But, I’m definitely keeping them on my radar after they lose their next three games.  Unless they don’t (which, you know, they HAVE proven to be a better road team the last couple years).
  9. Minnesota (0-2) – First of all, McNabb is done.  He’s done-er than done!  That having been said, they’ve still got AP, and just because McNabb is done doesn’t mean he’s not going to look a little frisky every now and then.  The only concern for Seattle Suck For Luckers is:  will McNabb get injured before leading them to a few victories?  Because if Ponder is pushed into the fire too soon, it could be a long Vikings season.
  10. Washington (2-0) – These chickenfuckers are terrible, and yet they’re 2-0!  How about THAT.  I fully expect the ‘Skins to come crashing down to Earth in the coming weeks, but those 2 wins might be more than enough to prevent them from the top spot in my rankings (and from the top spot in next year’s NFL Draft).
  11. San Francisco (1-1) – Here’s a team that should be 2-0 (and if they were, they wouldn’t be on my radar right now).  But, look at their short body of work so far.  It took two special teams return touchdowns for them to beat the lowly Seahawks; then they gagged one away in overtime against the Cowboys and Tony Romo’s punctured lung!  They play 8 of their next 14 games on the road (which is just a stupid way of saying their first two games were at home), but I fully expect them to win enough games to keep them away from the top spot.  Nevertheless, this would be the PERFECT place for Luck to land.  49er nation would eat him up a la mode.
  12. Denver (1-1) – I can see the Broncos getting bumped off this list in favor of someone like Arizona (ESPECIALLY if they lose in Seattle this weekend), but just look at them right now.  They got beat on Monday night at home against the hated Raiders, then it took all of their might to hold off the Bengals (again, at home).  Denver would be another perfect spot for Luck to land.  Oh, what am I saying, they have The Tebow!  They couldn’t POSSIBLY need another quarterback!

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