Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. II

For those of you who missed my rankings last week, click HERE.

Minor shakeup this week.  Couldn’t justify having San Francisco on this list any longer, not with their 2-1 record.  Oddly enough, even though they were a few plays from being 3-0, I CAN justify having Washington on this list.

The Seahawks, of course, let me down, but I’m still a believer!  Nevertheless, they took the biggest fall, dropping from 1 to 5.  We’ve also got a couple new additions to the list who I think have some real staying power.  Let’s get to it.

  1. Cincinnati (1-2) – There’s a lot to not like about this team!  In what HAD to have been the worst game of the week last week, Cincy was at home and still managed to find a way to lose to the lowly 49ers.  A better bad team (like the Seahawks) probably would’ve found a way to win this.  For the Bengals, the floor is the limit.  The only question is, will some of these winless teams find a way to squeeze out a victory or two?  Right now, I’m banking on yes.  In the ever-volatile world of NFL Team Ranking, the Bungles are my choice du jour.
  2. Jacksonville (1-2) – HUGE game two weeks from now when the Jags host Cincy.  Not only will the loser of that game have a worse record, but they will ALSO have the tiebreaking advantage over the winner!  I may have to saddle up to a sports bar and watch this grudge match of two titans of the gridway.  That game is sandwiched around 4 highly lose-able games (vs. NO, @ Pit, vs. Bal, @ Hou) before a BYE week and then another grudge match (@ Indy, week 10).  You’re the worst … AROUND!  Nothing’s ever gonna keep you up!
  3. Indianapolis (0-3) – Jacksonville leapfrogged Indy for one simple reason:  I picked Pittsburgh in my suicide pool last week and Indy almost dashed my dreams prematurely.  Quarterback or no quarterback, Indy looked frisky on Sunday night!  They still have enough talented fringe players (their DE’s, their WR’s, their starting RB & TE) that I still think they’re going to be better than their current record would dictate.  In two weeks, they host KC, then they go to Cincy and they have that aforementioned game vs. Jacksonville.  Top that off with a home game against Carolina and a week 17 game in Jax.  I’m not counting Indy out of the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes, but I am kinda counting Indy out of the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes.
  4. Kansas City (0-3) – They picked off Rivers twice.  They only lost by 3 points to a team, on the road, they are clearly inferior to.  Plus, I’ll reiterate what I said last week:  they started out playing Buffalo and Detroit.  Buffalo and Detroit are REALLY fucking good, especially on offense!  You don’t go from being a playoff team to being the worst team in the NFL after one offseason; I don’t care how banged up you are.  KC is better than this.
  5. Seattle (1-2) – After that game on Sunday, I couldn’t justify putting them any higher on this list than fifth, no matter how much of a homer I am.  Likewise, after that game on Sunday, I couldn’t justify putting them any lower either!  Arizona is a shitty, shitty team and is one more poor performance from storming the barn of these Rankings next week.  Meanwhile, Seattle is still bad, and they host the Falcons next week whose egos are bruised and whose pride is deflated.  Seattle WILL be 1-3, and I will start to calm down a little bit.
  6. Minnesota (0-3) – I was going to put them a spot lower, but honestly?  They deserve being 6th.  They’ve blown THREE double-digit leads in three games!  They were up 10 in San Diego before losing by 7 (being shut out in the 2nd half in the process); they were up 17 vs. Tampa Bay at halftime before losing by 4 (getting a measly 3 points in the 2nd half); and they were up by a mind-boggling 20 points at half vs. Detroit last week before losing by 3 in overtime (scoring 3 points in the entire 2nd half & overtime).  I mean, WHAT is going ON???  Remember back when you had Tarvaris Jackson and you ran the ball 90 times a game?  Go back to doing that!  Throwing the ball is NOT your friend right now!  ESPECIALLY in the second halves of football games!
  7. Miami (0-3) – I had the Dolphins beating the Browns last week and they almost pulled it out for me.  Fortunately for the Suck For Luck crowd, “finding a way to lose” is a great quality to have in a football team.  Two more road games around a BYE week give the ‘Phins a great chance of being 0-5 (@ SD & @ NYJ).  Another great sign:  Tony Sparano got the kiss of death by management.  The ever-dismal Vote of Confidence.  That sound you hear is the Jaws theme song.
  8. Carolina (1-2) – Honestly, it’s for the best that Carolina is looking strikingly better than they did last season.  It wouldn’t be fair if they got the first overall pick two years in a row.  Could you imagine?  First of all, they could sell that pick to the highest bidder, meaning all their draft picks, some draft picks next year, and probably a player or two.  No no, we can’t have that.  Carolina needs to win just enough against the dreck to keep them out of the top spot.  That Cam Newton fella, what a find!
  9. Denver (1-2) – Nothing makes me happier than to keep Denver on this list and move them up.  I hate the fucking Broncos; I always have!  You know, considering the fact that Kyle Orton isn’t as bad as people make him out to be, and considering the fact they have some real talent at wide receiver; this team is AWFUL on offense!  I don’t get it.  They couldn’t muster any more than 14 points against Tennessee?  Are the Titans on defense REALLY that good?  Denver goes to Green Bay next week, then hosts the Chargers before the BYE.  1-4 anyone?
  10. Washington (2-1) – That’s right!  A winning record and STILL in the top 10!  That’s what happens when you BARELY beat the Cardinals and you lose to the Cowboys while giving up 6 field goals.  Pathetic!  I’m not just saying that because I picked them as my Week 3 Upset and they screwed me, either.  When you have Rex Grossman as your quarterback, literally anything is possible (as long as “anything” means sucking dick … “sucking dick is possible”).
  11. St. Louis (0-3) – This is another one of those teams where it wouldn’t be fair if they got the #1 overall pick; they HAVE their quarterback of the future.  It’s just too bad (for them) that he’s an overrated pile of shit.  How they couldn’t, at the very least, cover in that Monday night game against the Giants, I have no clue.  Probably because they don’t have any receivers, but you know what?  The Seahawks for the longest time with Matt Hasselbeck “didn’t have any receivers” and look at what he was able to do!  Suck it up, Rams!  No more excuses; your quarterback is a bum!  Also, as I’ve alluded to before, their schedule is hard as SHIT in the first ten weeks.  All the teams they play up until the Seahawks in Week 11 currently have winning records (except Arizona, but that game is IN Arizona, so it’ll be at least a little tougher).  Like I said before, don’t be surprised if they’re 0-9 by the time they host the Seahawks.
  12. Chicago (1-2) – Another new entry.  Don’t ask ME how they killed the Falcons in week 1, because this team is dreadful!  How many millions of sacks are they going to give up this year?  Not that Jay Cutler would be much better WITHOUT all the sacks.  Fuck the Bears, I’m glad they’re terrible (but not SO terrible that they will ever get close to drafting Andrew Luck).

1 thought on “Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. II

  1. Pingback: Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. III | Seattle Sports Hell

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