Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. III

For those of you who missed my rankings last week, click HERE.

So, I’ve noticed that I’ve had a new Number 1 every week.  Either I have no idea what in the fuck I’m doing, or I’ve been REALLY unlucky!

Either way, Cincy won this week, against Buffalo, so no matter how bad I think they are, they surely don’t deserve the #1 spot.  In fact, they fell quite a way, but still hung in there.  Here we go.

  1. Jacksonville (1-3) – ESPN has 6 teams ranked lower than Jacksonville on their Power Rankings.  I obviously don’t buy it and I think by season’s end my opinion will be vindicated.  I can’t imagine Jacksonville leaving the top 3 of my list the rest of the season.  Like I said last week, though, their next game will be huge.  They host the Bengals; so it would be good for pretty much everyone else on this list if the Jags found a way to win a sloppy one at home.  With the way Cincy’s defense is playing (adequately adequate), that might be a too-tall order.
  2. Indianapolis (0-4) – Unlike the Jags, I DON’T see Indy sticking in the top 3.  Unfortunately, the Colts keep finding ways to lose, therefore they attain the closest spot to the top they’ll likely ever see.  Their schedule is too mediocre, and even without Peyton Manning they’re still putting up a monster fight (losing by single digits to both the Steelers and the Bucs in consecutive weeks).  I dunno; they host the Chefs this week.  Could be their time to get out of the 0-fer trap.
  3. Minnesota (0-4) – Finding ways to lose, week-in and week-out!  That’s the name of the game in the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes.  McNabb has been leading this charge like a man possessed.  I think he just wants to be beloved by a city’s fanbase for once in his life.  If he single-handedly brought Minnesota the best college quarterback since Peyton Manning graduated to the NFL, the entire state of Minnesota would forever be in his debt.  Who’s got two thumbs and has a brain that’s always thinkin’?  THIS GUY!!!
  4. Miami (0-4) – My GOD is this team a mess!  That’s what you get for putting your eggs in Chad Henne’s basket.  One thing Miami has going for them:  they can’t lose this week.  (cue rimshot).
  5. Denver (1-3) – I pretty much have the next three teams in a dead-heat, but I have to rank them in some fucking order, so I’m putting Denver at this spot because they looked the worst this past weekend.  Granted, it was the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers they had to face, but still.  Denver pretty much rolled over and died.  I know they’re better than this, but still, they look pretty pathetic and the more they lose early, the better their chance of giving Tebow a shot.  And that’s when they’ll REALLY start to lose some serious ballgames!
  6. Kansas City (1-3) – I told you the Chefs were better than their record!  Yes, they’re still bad, yes, it’s likely they’ll draft in the top 10.  But, it won’t be the top 5, I assure you.  Also, they go to Indy this week; what a crap fest that’ll be!  For as many surprisingly good teams and games we’ve seen so far this season, there sure have been a lot of BS matchups like these!
  7. Seattle (1-3) – I’m kind of going against my rationale for these rankings by placing Seattle this low (when I’m still convinced they’ll end the season with a worse record than both the Broncos and the Chefs).  Nevertheless, I can’t be SURE of that, especially given the way they battled against the Falcons in the 2nd half.  For the Suck For Luckers out there like myself, Sunday afternoon was a frightening proposition.  Fortunately, they didn’t let me down when it mattered most, and this week they go into New York to play the Football Giants.  1-4 here we come!
  8. Cincinnati (2-2) – One might think Cincy deserves to be even lower than 8th (after all, ESPN practically has them in their top 20), but I’m still not a believer.  They beat an over-achieving Buffalo team whose defense is spotty at best.  Remember, this is still the team who lost to the 49ers 13-8.
  9. St. Louis (0-4) – The odds of the Rams starting out 0-9 is still really fucking high; but blame that shit on their schedule.  Not only will they be 0-9 (or 1-8 as their best-case scenario), but they will STILL have a chance to win the NFC West by the time the Seahawks come to town!  In the meantime, like I said, 0-9 is probably happening; 4 of their next 5 are on the road (with the only win-able game being at Arizona).  Even if they do lose their first nine, I could still see them finishing 7-9; that’s how good their schedule ends up.
  10. Carolina (1-3) – Tough schedule in their next four games; three of them are at home though.  Hard to believe they lose all four with the way their offense is going.
  11. Arizona (1-3) – Only ranked lower than Carolina because they figured out a way to BEAT Carolina.  They’re still pretty bad, though.  Nevertheless, they gave the Giants a run for their money last week.  If they find a way to beat Minny this week, they could still take this NFC West.
  12. Chicago (2-2) – I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel for a 12th team this week.  On the flipside, they figured out that their O-Line sucks, so why not run the ball more?  If they stick with that plan, they might actually be at .500 by season’s end!

1 thought on “Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. III

  1. I honestly would put Miami ahead of Minnesota. Despite Minnesota finding ways to lose they still were ahead of many of these games in the fourth quarter so I have to say that they are not as bad as many of these teams. My prediction though is Miami will win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes with Jacksonville, Indianapolis, and KC (in that order) not far behind.

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