Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. IV

A little late posting the rankings this week, but what can I say?  A little postmortem for my Seahawks in this Suck For Luckstravaganza was definitely in order (plus, you know, I had shit to do).

First of all, we’re cutting the teams down to an even 8 this week (from 12).  Any team with two wins henceforth doesn’t deserve standing on this list (subject to change at my own whim).  As the season progresses, and teams start to distinguish themselves from the rest of the pack, I’ll continue to shorten the list.

Without further ado:  your final eight!

  1. Jacksonville (1-4) – I’m sticking to my guns!  From here on out, I plan to pick against Jacksonville each and every week.  Blaine Gabbert might not be the worst quarterback in the world – he’s not being picked apart with tons of interceptions every week – but he’s doing next to nothing to help the team actually, you know, WIN ballgames.  I still don’t know how they ever won a game.
  2. Indianapolis (0-5) – This Indy team, I’m telling you, ONE OF THESE WEEKS!  I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life:  this team will end up with a better record than the Jags!  They almost shocked the Steelers.  They almost shocked the Bucs.  They SHOULD have won that game against the Chefs last week … it’s only a matter of time when they finally DON’T blow a game in the fourth quarter.  You’ll see.  You’ll ALL see!
  3. Miami (0-4) – They had a BYE week and moved up one spot; funny how that happens.  Partially, we can attribute that to Minnesota winning a football game.  Mostly, we can attribute that to the fact that they DIDN’T fire Tony Sparano.  You gotta figure, a mid-season coaching change is going to light enough of a fire to at LEAST get your team a couple of inspired wins (that is, before they inevitably fade once again down the stretch when they realize – as does everyone else – that they’re indeed terrible).  Retaining what is essentially a Lame Duck head coach (*COUGH* *cough* Jack Del Rio) will only serve in the loss of respect from his players.  Let’s face it, everyone in the city thought Sparano was going to be fired during the BYE week.  Meaning, everyone had resigned themselves to a new coach.  I’m sure the players were no different.
  4. Denver (1-4) – Well, before they were terrible.  Then, John Fox benched Kyle Orton during last week’s game and opted to hand the ball to Tebow.  While it should be exciting (at the very least) for Broncos fans to get to watch something remarkably different than what they’ve gotten used to over the last couple years, I can’t imagine Tebow makes them remarkably BETTER just by being under center.  We’ll see.  I’ve been dogging this guy since he was picked in the first round.  If he turns out performances like Cam Newton has thus far, I might have myself a big ol’ second helping of crow on my plate.
  5. Arizona (1-4) – Huge jump up for the Cards this week.  Because they’re fucking DREADFUL.  They’re in a pisspoor division and they’re by far the pisspoorest.  The way they were spanked last week against a pretty hapless Vikings team should get everyone on that team fired!  I’m mostly upset because they let Adrian Peterson score a ton of points which directly affected my fantasy game, but STILL!  Screw Arizona!
  6. Minnesota (1-4) – Tick tock, Donovan McNabb.  Your time is coming.  But, before that time comes, could you give my fantasy team ONE week of dominance against the Bears?  It’s not too much to ask!  Then, I won’t have any more quarterback BYE weeks to worry about and I can drop your sorry ass once and for all!
  7. St. Louis (0-4) – Another BYE week team rising in the rankings.  It’s going to be interesting to see how high the Rams make it up this list before they’re knocked back down thanks to their easy late-season schedule.  I’m STILL not counting them out of winning the division.  Those 4-1 49ers are FRAUDS I tell you!
  8. Carolina (1-4) – They’re the team of a thousand gambling covers!  In fact, they might be the BEST team at covering the spread!  If there was a Super Bowl for gamblers’ darling teams, the Panthers would receive a BYE all the way through the playoffs.  Only a matter of time until these backdoor covers start turning into late-game heroic victories.

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