Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. V

The rich got richer in the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes this week.  My Top 8 all lost or didn’t play, so you’d think there would be no change.  However, you would be wrong.

Also, on an unrelated note:  I thought Al Davis was already dead!  WHAT are the Raiders DOING???  You’re going to give up a First Rounder and a Second Rounder the following year (with that Second Rounder turning into another first rounder should the Raiders win a playoff game this year) for a guy who has had no training camp, who hasn’t played any football whatsoever, and who looked TERRIBLE last year with a team that arguably had better wide receivers to throw to.  This is a guy, mind you, who’s got to come in, build a rapport with a new team, learn a new offense, and suffer the pressure of a team with high expectations.  This is a team that will likely have to win its division to make the playoffs, and if they can’t catch San Diego, then they just gave up two high draft picks for nothing.

Imagine this, though:  they make this trade, they win some games, Carson Palmer gets HURT (because, let’s be honest, Palmer is jumping right into a flaming hot skillet wearing butter shoes right now), and then they go on to the playoffs and win a game without him.  How about THAT for a scenario?  Lose two first round picks for a guy who didn’t even help you get to that point.  Idiocy!

On to the list:

  1. Jacksonville (1-5) – The Jags are getting a lot of props coming out of this weekend because they let the Steelers go up 17-0 and then rallied to lose 17-13.  Let me just set the record straight here!  First of all, the Steelers on defense are NOT your slightly older brother’s Steeler Defense.  These guys are old, many of them are washed up, they have a helluva time getting pressure on the quarterback (in spite of the fact that their coordinator invented Zone Blitzing as we know it), and they can’t – for the LIFE of them – get a turnover!  Take it from a guy who foolishly reached for the Steeler Defense in my fantasy draft this year:  scoring 13 points against them is pathetic!  And because they did that without letting the Steelers score?  Please!  A team that’s clearly better than another team got an insurmountable lead and let off the gas while trying to run out the clock.  OOOOO, Jacksonville is so good!  The Steelers only threw it 23 times while rushing 32 times!  This is the same Steelers team that went to the Super Bowl last year on the arm of their renegade quarterback.  Jacksonville sucks; moving on.
  2. Indianapolis (0-6) – My wanton belief in this team is starting to make me look ridiculous.  I picked them to beat Cincy last week … and they WOULD’VE done it had Garcon not fumbled and allowed their defense to score a late touchdown!  I hate the Colts so much right now, you have no idea.  WIN ALREADY!  Of course, they won’t, but they WILL be 0-9 when they have their showdown with Jacksonville.  Separating the men from the boys in THAT game, I shit you not.
  3. Miami (0-5) – Kinda tough to ball them out too much after losing to the Jets on Monday night.  I mean, that was a no-win situation!  The Jets were battered, they were starving for a victory, and you knew Miami would have to throw their way to a win.  Against THAT defense.  That game was over before they announced the name Matt Moore.  Don’t look now, but there aren’t many opportunities for wins in the coming weeks.  The force is strong with this team.
  4. Minnesota (1-5) – Boy did the Vikings look like shit on Sunday night!  Will this be the week they finally stop looking toward geriatric quarterbacks and start planning for the future?  If it is, look for the Vikes to lose with even MORE regularity.  Ponder please!  I could seriously see them losing out at this point.
  5. Arizona (1-4) – Actually, I have the Cards on equal footing with the Broncos, but I had to pick one team I thought was worse than the other, so guess what?  I actually have MORE faith in Tim Tebow than I do in Kevin Kolb and these Cardinals.  What does THAT say about your team?
  6. Denver (1-4) – I’m not gonna lie to you, I think Denver wins this week in Miami.  I think more people in that stadium are cheering for Tim Tebow than they are for the Dolphins.  It’ll be interesting to see what happens if Tebow is ever hit late by the defense.  Does the home crowd boo the home team for battering their favorite QB?  This is about as delicious a matchup as can be with two teams who have 1 combined win.
  7. St. Louis (0-5) – Wow.  I mean, that game against the Packers couldn’t have been less competitive.  Normally I think it’s foolish to trade for a receiver mid-season; there are too many examples to count of this situation never working (at least, until the next season starts and said traded receiver has a chance to properly learn the system), but getting Brandon Lloyd for a bag of used condoms just might be the trade of the year!  At the very least, Lloyd (even if he had ZERO knowledge of the offense coming in) would be a HUGE upgrade over what the Rams have now.  But, take into account he has INFINITY knowledge of the offense (having played under Josh McDaniels), and you’ve got a Rams team suddenly not looking too bad.  Sure, they’re still going to go winless (probably) until they play the Seahawks (and maybe beyond if things go right), but this is nothing but a plus move.  On the one hand, I think it’s hilarious that the old AFC West teams are under the stewardship of retards, but on the other hand this helps the Rams and therefore is bad for the Seahawks.  Stupid Broncos.
  8. Carolina (1-5) – Who would’ve thought at this point of the season teams would be more worried about Cam Newton’s arm than his legs?  Don’t mind me, I’m still working my way through these 900 pounds of crow I have to eat.

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