Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. VI

Very interesting shake-up in my rankings this week!  Actually, not really.  The winners move down, the losers continue to move up, GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE JACKSONVILLE WON THAT FOOTBALL GAME.

Let’s get right to it before I blow my brains out:

  1. Indianapolis (0-7) – All right, you got me!  Indy is a terrible team, Jacksonville somehow isn’t worse (yet), and here we are!  They’re either going to keep Andrew Luck and be great for the NEXT 15 years, or they’re going to trade him away, get a million draft picks and players, have Peyton Manning back to full strength, and be good for the next 5-8 years.  Either way, FUCK this team!  What did THEY do to deserve this kind of bullshit good fortune?  Two one-in-a-million quarterbacks in back-to-back tenures?  What are they, the fucking Green Bay Packers?  (P.S.  you have no idea how much I hate being a Seattle fan right now; I’m this close to hearing Satan speak to me through random dogs on the street).
  2. Miami (0-6) – All I can say is, “Wow.”  I mean, that’s a new form of sucking!  You’ve got Tebow being Tebow for 57 minutes, and you can’t get more than a 15-point lead?  Who are you, the Cleveland Browns?
  3. Minnesota (1-6) – Yeah, they put up a good fight against the Packers, but you know what?  They’re a division rival; they’re SUPPOSED to get up for the big games!  Plus, they still have AP and AP can almost single-handedly take a team to the playoffs.  Just ask Tarvaris Jackson.
  4. Arizona (1-5) – ONLY because of the division they’re in do they continue to reside below Minnesota on my rankings.  Let’s face it, the Vikings are just one bad injury away from Donovan McNabb!  That’s a HUGE step down for them!  Arizona suffers one bad injury, what are they left with?  A guy who’s probably just as good as Kevin Kolb.
  5. St. Louis (0-6) – I haven’t seen injuries cripple a team this bad since I watched every Seahawks season under Mike Holmgren after the Super Bowl year.  Had I only known Bradford was going to be DEFINITELY out before I locked my picks in last week, I would’ve made Dallas my Eliminator pick instead of Baltimore.  Speaking of which …
  6. Jacksonville (2-5) – FUCK YOU JACKSONVILLE!  But, actually I mean, FUCK YOU BALTIMORE.  What kind of horseshit team are you, Ravens?  You think YOU can get Super Bowl with that kind of play?  Come back, one year!  Next!
  7. Denver (2-4) – I’m keeping the Broncos on here because I’m not ready to reduce the list to 6 teams yet.  And also, seriously, Tebow.  I can’t wait for everyone to jump on his bandwagon because he pulls out a couple of miraculously ugly wins out of his ass.  That guy, is TERRIBLE!
  8. Seattle (2-4) – Because you deserve to be on this list, Seahawks.  Because you only scored 3 points against THAT team.  Because you’re at home this week, in the loudest stadium in the NFL, and you’re UNDERDOGS to the BUNGLES!  Because you broke my heart.  I know it was you, Fredo!

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