Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings Vol. VII

And then there were two.  Two totally-defeated teams in the NFL. And since they don’t play each other, these two teams could conceivably BOTH end up 0-16.  I’m not gonna lie to you, I might need to start boning up on tie-breakers.

  1. Indianapolis (0-8) – One of these weeks, the Colts are going to have a BYE week.  SURELY they won’t be able to lose during the BYE week!
  2. Miami (0-7) – These frisky fishes almost accomplished the thinkable last weekend in their narrow defeat to the Giants.  God Eli Manning is single-handedly ruining my life and I don’t know why!
  3. Arizona (1-6) – Just in case anyone tabbed Baltimore as a serious contender for the Super Bowl, you can forget that shit!  On the flipside, HUGE game this week with the Rams and Cards.  Rumors are swirling that Kevin Kolb might be sat for injury concerns.  If that’s the case, let’s just go ahead and cement Arizona’s status as Tankers Extraordinaire.  The loser of this game is going to have quite the inside track to be the worst team in the NFC.
  4. Jacksonville (2-6) – So they beat Baltimore, big fuckin’ deal!  Who COULDN’T beat Baltimore at this point?  Put them up against the Vikings right now and I guarantee the Vikings come away with the victory!
  5. Minnesota (2-6) – Yeah, they won because Olindo Mare missed a gimme, but they also looked fairly decent against the Packers the week before.  “Addition By Subtraction Of McNabb” is, I believe, what the mathematical theorem is called.  So dubbed by genius thinker of our times Rush Limbaugh.
  6. Denver (2-5) – Tebow!  TEEEEE-BOOOWWWWWWWW!
  7. Seattle (2-5) – I feel like when the Seahawks were 2-3 heading into the BYE, that’s the scene in Rocky after his first fight when he’s all cocky, saying things like, “Yo, I gots!” and not really training or fighting all that tenaciously.  Then he gets his clocked cleaned, Mickey says things like, “You’re a bum, ya bum!” and Rocky goes into dark seclusion to contemplate the meaning of life and whether it’s all worth it anymore.  Followed by Rocky regaining his focus ten times over, driving out to some mountain in the Alps, and training like he’s never trained before.  The Seahawks are currently in that training montage portion of their season.  They got cocky, thinking to themselves, “Andrew Luck is as good as ours!” and then they were knocked down a peg by winning games against Arizona and the Giants.  However, two straight losses against two kinda sucky teams they probably should’ve beaten leaves us here.  On the comeback trail!  With “You’re The Worst … AROUND” playing in the background as the montage of punts, fumbles, and kick returns against us plays for anxious fans in the Seattle area.  Will the Seahawks succeed against all odds???  Not if the evil Colts (Clubber Lang) and Dolphins (Russian Guy) have anything to say about it.
  8. St. Louis (1-6) – Because they’re just better than all of these 2-win teams.  Because they have the most impressive win of all of these teams.  And because they did it with A.J. Feeley!  They can lose in Arizona this weekend and STILL be considered the least likely of the bunch to win the Suck For Luck Sweepstakes!  I just gotta keep ’em on here until they get to within, like, AH win of the Washington Redskins, who so desperately deserve to be on this list it’s not even funny.

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