God, wasn’t that nice? Were you like me? Did you take my advice and stay away from all news related to Seattle sports? If you did, then you successfully avoided the worst 4-day stretch of on-field play in Seattle Mariners history. So, good for you!
If you didn’t heed my warning – I’m not saying I’m some sort of soothsayer or prophet, but you should all probably do what I say from now on, starting with: go get me a soda, BITCH! – then God help you, because that kind of trauma and heartbreak is best reserved for pedophiles and Boston fans (not mutually exclusive).
Starting with Thursday the 19th. Now, I will admit, while in San Francisco checking out a band I would later see at Coachella, I occasionally referred to my phone for score updates. Felix was dealing HARD, homey. 8 innings, 0 runs, 12 strikeouts, 1 walk and only 5 hits (3 of them singles that happened in his 8th and final inning where he struck out the side to preserve his 1-0 lead). If he wasn’t already at 126 pitches, it would have been monumentally unthinkable for Eric Wedge to take him out of the ballgame, save situation or no save situation. BUT, since 126 pitches is pretty damn high (and since he already expended so much energy preventing a run from scoring in his final inning), it’s hard to blast Wedge’s logic.
That having been said, if I never see Brandon League pitch against Cleveland or Baltimore ever again, I think I’d fucking die of boner-related blood loss. Against the Orioles, he has 5 saves and 4.01 ERA. Against the Indians, it’s only 2 saves and a whopping 8.27 ERA. One of those saves was the night before – Wednesday the 18th – when he shut them down in order. The phrase “weird things seem to happen when the Mariners play the Indians” was bandied about after the 8-1 blown lead by the Mariners on Tuesday. I’d say League having a 5-pitch save against them on Wednesday might be the weirdest thing we’ve EVER seen.
Last year, League blew two saves and took two losses against the Orioles. He also did the same damn thing against the Indians. It’s time to just cut our losses and start inventing mysterious minor injuries for League whenever we see these teams on our schedule. Because obviously the guy is hexed!
So, if that wasn’t bad enough, watching League gag one away, then I suppose watching Hector Noesi be who we thought he was (a sufficiently wild, piece of shit starting pitcher with no control whatsoever of his pitches – or maybe, in this instance, I should say he has no COMMAND of his pitches) … is … bad enough.
I don’t like Noesi, I think that’s pretty clear. That isn’t to say I disagree with the decision to bring him here in the Michael Pineda deal (of course, since I know exactly zero particulars about that deal, except about the two guys we got, you never know; if they could’ve gotten a better pitcher, then I certainly WOULD disagree with that element of the deal), but that’s mostly because I think it was a good idea to bring in an up-and-coming hitting prospect for our already-there pitching superstar. It kinda feels like Noesi was given the role out of some obligation for Jackie Z and his signature offseason move, more than his actual ability or worthiness to start.
Of course, we all know things got a million times worse the next night, but let’s leave that for a minute and talk about Sunday. About the OTHER starting pitcher who never really earned his role on this team, except for the fact that he’s old and has “experience” (even though that phrase always gets cut off … it’s supposed to read, “experience sucking”). Kevin Millwood, the current bane of my existence. Whereas I came into the season with at least a small modicum of hope for Noesi (because he’s young, he throws reasonably hard, and it would be nice to really stick it to the Yankees in our dealings with them), I have absolutely hated everything about the Millwood signing from the beginning (and, in fact, I have felt the same since he was originally rumored to come here many years prior). The only reason I haven’t been blasting him repeatedly like I have Olivo (or, in years past, guys like Sexson and Figgins) is because he’s ever-so-temporary it’s ridiculous. And, you know, I haven’t had to endure multiple medicore-to-bad seasons with this pile of crap (and, God willing, I won’t have to in the future).
Still, he’s here now and it’s obvious he’s finished. It’s just embarrassing at this point. If he had any self-respect whatsoever he would retire today and take up the life of luxury he has earned over his many seasons of adequatulence. Because eventually, it’s not going to be entertaining. It’s not entertaining NOW, but at least since I don’t have cable I don’t have to watch. But, eventually, one of these weekends I’m going to be visiting someone with cable and I’m going to turn the game on and devote three hours of my life … and eventually he will be the starting pitcher when that happens and his performance will single-handedly ruin an otherwise adequate evening of Mariners-watching. At that point, I may definitely lose my shit.
But, like I said, I wasn’t watching this one, so who cares? For the record, after the blown Felix game, I stopped checking my phone for score updates; I only heard about the perfect game when a friend texted me.
Oh yes, Saturday’s perfect game. I wouldn’t normally choose to write about – and therefore tag – someone like Philip Humber because who the fuck is Philip Humber? But, since the guy went 27-up and 27-down with my preferred baseball team, I guess I’ll make an exception.
Truth be told, while the Seattle Mariners are my “preferred baseball team”, there are still any number of things I currently prefer to them that aren’t baseball-related. Like getting my dick chopped off, and Mountain Dew.
For posterity’s sake, this is the lineup and what they did:
- Chone Figgins – 0 for 3, 1 K
- Dustin Ackley – 0 for 3
- Ichiro – 0 for 3, 1 K
- Justin Smoak – 0 for 3, 2 K’s
- Kyle Seager – 0 for 3, 1 K
- Jesus Montero – 0 for 3, 1 K
- Michael Saunders – 0 for 3, 1 K
- Miguel Olivo / John Jaso – 0 for 3, 1 K for Olivo
- Munenori Kawasaki / Brendan Ryan – 0 for 3, 1 pinch hit K for Ryan that maybe should’ve been a walk
Congrats, you eleven guys. You contributed to the first-ever perfect game against the Seattle Mariners. As it stands, the Mariners had only been no-hit twice before, so really, congrats again for finding a new level of sucking.
Since I didn’t see it, I really can’t say much. I’m sure Humber was very good. I’m also sure the Mariners were very bad and that it was some combination of the two that did us in. My guess: 95% Mariners very bad, 5% Humber very good. But, you know, I’m a Mariners fan and I always look on the bright side.
I will say what most everyone else is saying: it was about time. Better pitchers have come and gone and failed to do what Philip Humber just did. These Mariners hitters – whatever combination you like – have been so bad for so long, every time you saw an opponent go more than the first three innings without giving up a hit you were dreading the worst. I know I was. And I know I will continue to dread the worst until this team finds some fucking talent with the bat! If ever!
I’m telling you, I really picked the perfect time to get the fuck out of Seattle, pleasant weather notwithstanding. Now, it’s time for the Mariners to go on an extended eastern road trip. Watch them do the unthinkable and actually win more games than they lose!