You’ve seen the best … now see the rest!
I don’t believe in any Power Rankings before the season, because I think they’re inane. You can’t POSSIBLY know how good a team is going to be before you’ve actually seen them play. And if you’re basing your rankings on last year’s finishes or this year’s pre-season games, then you’re a fucking retard and you deserve to have at least one family member shot in the face.
The first two weeks of the NFL season are a total crapshoot, plain and simple. Who saw the Cardinals as a 2-0 team? Who saw the Saints as 0-2? Who could have figured there would be SO MANY 1-1 teams???
But now, two games in, you can kind of have an idea. Last year, we had a weekly feature called the Suck For Luck Impotence Rankings. Since I feel the Seahawks won’t suck (and since there is no Luck-equivalent in next year’s draft), I’ve decided to broaden my horizons and do what just about every other football blog does. An NFL Power Rankings. Besides, I need SOMETHING to write about on Tuesdays during the NFL season …
- San Francisco 49ers: I plan on picking this team to win each and every week until they prove to me that they’re not as dominant as they really are.
- Atlanta Falcons: I refuse to put Houston here until they play a team that’s NOT in the bottom five in all of the NFL.
- Houston Texans: I mean, for the love of Christ, at least the Falcons played Denver and kind of bashed their brains in.
- Green Bay Packers: I still like them. They didn’t blow Chicago away, but then again that game was on a Thursday. I don’t expect ANY team to dominate on a Thursday. Thursday games are the fucking worst.
- New England Patriots: I feel like an idiot putting the Pats this high, considering they lost to the Cards at home. But, if you replay that game 100 times, New England is easily winning that game 85% of the time.
- Baltimore Ravens: I don’t feel like an idiot putting the Ravens this low. Yeah, they looked great against the Bengals, yeah, they’ll probably be a playoff team. But, they’re still the Ravens and I think they still lose in any big game to the Patriots.
- Chicago Bears: The Bears are going to have a couple stinkers every season as long as they employ Cutler. That having been said, they’ve got a ton of weapons on offense, their defense is still stout, and they’ll rip off a bunch of wins this season making everyone wonder why they wrote the Bears off so early in the season.
- Arizona Cardinals: That defense is no joke. They certainly won’t stay this high in my rankings (then again, their early-season schedule is almost unfathomably easy). But, by going into New England and beating the Pats (and killing many survivor pools in the process), they have earned this Top 10 ranking.
- Pittsburgh Steelers: They’ve still got Ben. He’s their wildcard. If he stays healthy and doesn’t crap the bed, they will be winners. Yeah, their defense is old and injury-prone, but when healthy they’re still good and able to handle the teams they should.
- San Diego Chargers: Is this the year that Philip Rivers holds his turnovers in check? My fantasy team sure as shit hopes so.
- Philadelphia Eagles: I think this team has gotten a bad rap so far, mostly because they’ve stunk quite a bit. That having been said, they have a lot of talent on this team. When they gel and get into a groove, watch out. Still, their performance against Cleveland keeps them out of the top 10 until they finally dominate a team they should.
- Seattle Seahawks: Defense – check. Special Teams – check. This offense will only improve as the season goes on. When it does, watch out NFL.
- Denver Broncos: Not an ideal showing for Manning last night. He will improve. That team will improve. By season’s end, I still think they make the playoffs.
- Detroit Lions: We all know their defense is shitty, but maybe it’s not AS shitty as we think. Either way, I say the Lions beat these next two teams in my rankings hands down.
- Dallas Cowboys: They land here because they’re not terrible, and because their defense is WAY better than the next team’s.
- New York Giants: What happened to the G-men? That defense is abysmal! They’re lucky they have Eli to pull their asses out of the fire.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I don’t know how they blew that Giants game (Eli being Eli, I guess), but I like these Bucs. Call me crazy!
- New York Jets: Remember when everyone was sucking their dicks after scoring 48 on the Bills in week 1? Not so eager anymore, are you?
- Cincinnati Bengals: Tough team to read. You don’t know if they’re worthless, or if they’re top 10, but they seem to do just enough to get by in most games. Let’s see if that defense can hold things down like they did last season.
- Carolina Panthers: Still a top-notch offense. Still a question-mark defense.
- St. Louis Rams: Playing hard under their new coach. Don’t sleep on their defense, the Redskins are pretty amazing on offense. Nice to see them come back on Sunday.
- Washington Redskins: A bad defense just got worse with injuries. These definitely ARE the Carolina Panthers of last season.
- New Orleans: They look kind of lost. Gotta give Sean Payton his due, he really had a good handle on that team. They’ll probably finish with a sub-.500 record this season, then bounce back into the playoffs next year. At which point, give Payton his Coach of the Year award.
- Buffalo Bills: I’m really rooting for this team to get better. GET BETTER! I’m sick and tired of the Pats & Jets!
- Minnesota Vikings: Best running back in the game, top-notch pass-rushing defense … I could see this team surprising some teams this year. It all rests on Ponder.
- Indianapolis Colts: Interesting team so far. Yeah, they got reamed by the Bears in Week 1, but the Bears are a top-notch team. I thought they showed a lot in beating the Vikings at home in a close game.
- Miami Dolphins: I anticipate this will be one of the worst teams in the NFL (unless they put Matt Moore back in), so it was a shock to say the least how they handled the Raiders this past week. Reggie Bush had the game of a lifetime; if he keeps that up, maybe I’ll have to re-think my opinion of this team.
- Jacksonville Jaguars: Yikes. If the Jags are this high, the four teams below them must be AWFUL.
- Oakland Raiders: Yep, awful. Carson Palmer can still throw the ball around, but if he can’t complete more than 50% of his passes, then what’s the point?
- Kansas City Chiefs: Their defense might be the worst in football. It figures, that was the defense the Seahawks saw in the pre-season that essentially won Russell Wilson the job. What luck!
- Cleveland Browns: I don’t think their defense is that bad. And Brandon Weeden had an okay game last week! Who knew?
- Tennessee Titans: I hate to put Jake Locker’s team so low, but I have to wonder how much longer he’ll be starting. Either injuries or ineffectiveness is going to take him out and that’s a shame. Their early-season schedule is BRUTAL. They might not win until week 8! At which point, it would really behoove their front office to can that head coach and bring someone in who knows what the fuck he’s doing. Former offensive linemen were not meant to be head coaches!