Seattle Sports Hell NFL Power Rankings, Vol. 4

I normally like to have an opening salvo to these posts so it’s not just a subjective list of teams followed by the rantings of a lunatic, but instead of being a responsible human being, I went out for pizza and beer last night.  Sorta makes that trip to the gym right before seem kinda pointless, doesn’t it?

Anyway, here are the rankings. 

  1. Atlanta Falcons (5-0):  That Atlanta/Houston Super Bowl is going to be something else … (Last Week:  1)
  2. Houston Texans (5-0):  Something else, indeed … (Last Week:  2)
  3. San Francisco 49ers (4-1):  This has looked like a pissed-off bunch of assholes the last two games after being embarrassed by the Vikings.  Jim Harbaugh must hate losing more than he hates not being a prick at all times.  (Last Week:  3)
  4. Baltimore Ravens (4-1):  I grappled with leaving them here after nearly crapping the bed against the Chiefs.  But, I guess everyone deserves a down game once or twice during the season.  (Last Week:  5)
  5. New England Patriots (3-2):  If the Seahawks can shut down this Patriots offense, then you can stop counting the ballots and give every starting Pro Bowl defensive spot to a Seahawk.  (Last Week:  7)
  6. Chicago Bears (4-1):  Aside from a sloppy Thursday night loss, these Bears have looked like world beaters.  Now, they have a BYE followed by three more cupcakes.  Watch out NFC.  (Last Week:  8)
  7. New York Giants (3-2):  With Eli, you’ve always got a chance.  Huge game against the 49ers this week.  The way they’re playing though, I wouldn’t count on seeing 4-2 anytime soon.  (Last Week:  13)
  8. Minnesota Vikings (4-1):  God damn do I like this team!  Stick Ponder on the Seahawks and you might be looking at the Super Bowl frontrunner.  (Last Week:  15)
  9. Arizona Cardinals (4-1):  Yeah, they’ve looked good thus far this season, but Kolb didn’t just magically turn into Tom Brady or anything.  Welcome back to planet Earth, Cardinals.  We were wondering when you’d finally crash and burn.  (Last Week:  4)
  10. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2):  Just a solid, Steelers-esque win over the Eagles.  Nothing flashy, but they just get the job done.  How much longer can they withstand all these injuries, though?  (Last Week:  16)
  11. Seattle Seahawks (3-2):  This game against the Patriots might just be the ultimate test of this defense’s overall quality.  Top 2?  Or merely just Top 10?  (Last Week:  17)
  12. St. Louis Rams (3-2):  It’s hard to have a lot of confidence in a Thursday night performance.  That having been said, the Rams are 2-0 in the division and in a nice position to make some noise.  (Last Week:  18)
  13. Green Bay Packers (2-3):  Packers, you have no one but yourselves to blame if you don’t make the playoffs now.  Pathetic.  (Last Week:  6)
  14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2):  This team is just no damn good.  How many times do I have to tell them to stick with the run?  I can only broken record myself so many times.  (Last Week:  9)
  15. San Diego Chargers (3-2):  Antonio Gates looks slower than Jesus Montero.  I imagine he can’t jump as well as he used to either.  Raise your hand if you found him in your Fantasy league’s waiver bin recently.  Don’t do it!  Stay away!  He’s done!  (Last Week:  10)
  16. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2):  Just when I start believing in this team, they go out and blow it against Miami.  This week, they’ll crush Cleveland and we’ll all jump back on the bandwagon, but at what cost?  At what cost?  (Last Week:  11)
  17. Dallas Cowboys (2-2):  Dallas @ Baltimore.  I’m not saying they have ZERO chance, but what’s the next number higher than zero?  No, not one; one is giving the Cowboys WAY too much credit.  (Last Week:  12)
  18. Denver Broncos (2-3):  Stealing a win in San Diego next Monday will go a long way towards increasing their playoff chances.  These are the games they HAVE to win if they wan’t to take the West.  (Last Week:  14)
  19. Washington Redskins (2-3):  They didn’t look half bad against the Falcons, until RGIII went down.  Maybe they’ll end up being BETTER than last year’s Panthers.  I wouldn’t put it past ’em.  (Last Week:  19)
  20. Miami Dolphins (2-3):  Well, hot damn!  Look who has looked good in the last four weeks after being left for dead at the beginning of the year!  Knock Knock.  Who’s There?  Hard Knocks Curse.  Get The Fuck Off My Porch, Hard Knocks Curse!  I’ve Got A Shotgun Pointed Right At Your Junk & I’m Not Afraid To Make You A Eunuch.  (Last Week:  25)
  21. Detroit Lions (1-3):  Next three games:  @ Phi, @ Chi, vs. Sea.  It doesn’t get any easier for last season’s darlings.  It’s looking more and more like the Vikings have usurped that title.  (Last Week:  20)
  22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3):  They get the Chiefs coming out of their BYE this week.  That’s a must win.  If they can’t handle the Chiefs, then they better start prepping their draft boards right now.  (Last Week:  21)
  23. New York Jets (2-3):  L-O-S-E-R-S!  (Last Week:  22)
  24. Buffalo Bills (2-3):   Boy are the Bills shitty!  Good thing they locked up Fitzpatrick to that long extension.  Nothing to worry about at the quarterback position!  Got that shit locked down!  (Last Week:  23)
  25. Indianapolis Colts (2-2):  You could’ve knocked me over with a feather after that performance.  If I knew someone associated with the Colts was near death, I might have re-thought that Green Bay pick in my suicide pool.  (Last Week:  31)
  26. Carolina Panthers (1-4):  Steve Smith sure talks a good game, but those drops were critical in blowing that game against the Seahawks.  No one will talk about it when compared to how our cornerbacks forced those two fumbles, but Steve Smith is just as culpable for that loss.  (Last Week:  24)
  27. New Orleans (1-4):  Drew Brees Michael Vick’d me in Fantasy last night, so I’m not very happy with him right now.  That having been said, it’s about fucking time, Saints!  (Last Week:  29)
  28. Oakland Raiders (1-3):  The Raiders didn’t have a game last week.  That’s the biggest praise you’ll ever read about the Raiders in 2012.  (Last Week:  26)
  29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4):  What the fuck, Kansas City?  You look frisky against the Saints, then you let the Chargers run all of you, and THEN you hold the fourth-best team in the NFL to three field goals?  And you still find a way to lose?  Pick a way to be shitty and stick with it (bad offense or bad defense) because I can’t handle this back and forth shit!  (Last Week:  28)
  30. Tennessee Titans (1-4):  They have a running back with no desire for football.  They’ve got a top ten draft pick at quarterback who can’t stay on the field.  They’ve got an aging veteran at quarterback who is probably playing his final season.  And their head coach is probably going to get fired because he’s doing a terrible job.  It’s not Jaguars-Bleak, but it’s still pretty fucking bleak in Titans Land.  (Last Week:  27)
  31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4):  Blaine Gabbert has to be my second least favorite quarterback in the NFL behind Sanchize.  How fucked are the Jags?  At least they probably have nice weather down there … (Last Week:  30)
  32. Cleveland Browns (0-5):  This team is bad from A to Zinc!  Zing!  (Last Week:  32)

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