God Damn I Hate The Fucking Mariners

There’s a show on NBC right now called Community; have you heard of it?  If you have, then you’re probably a super-fan who has watched the show a million times through the first three seasons.  If you haven’t, then you are most of America, and that’s why the show is going to get cancelled.

Anyway, the first three seasons of Community were some of the best, most original seasons of comedy ever produced on television.  Dynamic writing, loony characters, eminently quotable lines you can repeat over and over, ad nauseum, for just about any situation.  Think back to seasons 4-6 of the Simpsons; THIS is the type of quality we’re talking about with the first three seasons of Community.

Then, the show’s creator was railroaded out of there, NBC somehow decided it wanted MORE Community (even though it has never had the ratings needed to succeed on primetime network television), and so NBC hired new show-runners to keep things limping along through a fourth season.

The fourth season has largely been a disappointment.  Whether that’s because the fans have been EXPECTING a disappointment (and thus only seeing what they want to see), or whether the quality of the show has objectively diminished, it doesn’t matter.  The bottom line is, the show isn’t the same.  It isn’t the same because it’s EXACTLY the same.

The great thing about Community is it was always pushing the boundaries of what it could be.  Yes, there were running themes or gags here and there, but this fourth season has relied upon, more than anything else, the success of Community’s past.  And it has suffered for it.  Community used to constantly innovate.  Now, it’s like watching a pale imitation of Dan Harmon’s Community.

I bring this up for two reasons.  First, I’m sick and tired of writing about how much the Mariners suck, so I thought I’d change it up a bit.  Second, you know how fans of Community are tiring of this fourth season because it feels like they’re watching the same ol’ thing dressed up in brand new clothes?  That’s how I feel about watching the 2013 Mariners.  Yeah, there’s a few new players here and there, but they’re essentially as terrible as they ever were.

The main difference between Community and the Mariners is that Community has been something worth watching the last three years.

I think we kind of expected this past weekend to be a trainwreck.  How could you not?  The pitching alone was enough to tip you off!  Saunders, Maurer, and Harang.  In Texas.  With the injury issues we’ve got going on with our offense.  Oh yeah, THIS was a series worth following …

23-3.  That’s the final score of the Texas Rangers over the Seattle Mariners the last three days.  If that was a final score in football, you’d think that was a pretty boring and worthless game.  You wouldn’t be too far off.  The Mariners have won 3 of their last 12.  Because while “it’s still early”, it’s not so early that you can’t take a chunk of the season and show just how pisspoor the Mariners have been over an arbitrary stretch of games.

I hate this team.  I hate almost everything about this team.  I love Felix, and I hate the other 24 guys with a passion.  This fucking team is boring and shitty and pathetic and IT’S THE SAME FUCKING THING EVERY FUCKING SEASON!

The Mariners have 7 wins on the season.  In five of those wins, our pitching held the other team to 1 run or less.  In another, we held the team to just 3 runs.  The same fucking thing:  we won’t win unless our pitching carries us.  Why?  Because let’s face it, Jackie Z hasn’t done his job.

Look, I think I’ve been pretty fucking patient with this man and this approach.  I understand you can’t just hire and fire guys every other year and expect sustained success.  I also understand he took over an organization that was the worst in all of baseball after Bill Bavasi left.  But, honestly, we can’t use Bavasi as a catch-all for what’s wrong with the Mariners anymore.  What’s wrong with the Mariners is that Jack Zduriencik is still the general manager of this team.  What’s wrong with the Mariners is that Eric Wedge isn’t getting anything out of his players.  I’m not saying the players have given up on him; I’m saying that Wedge is pretty much useless and is bringing nothing to the table.

Fuck these people.  Fuck ’em all!  I’m through defending these failing fucks!  The GM failed, it’s as simple as that.  He had a job to do:  evaluate & bring in talent.  He evaluated, he brought in, but ultimately those players don’t have the talent level required to succeed in the Majors.  He failed with Smoak, he failed with Montero, he failed with Ackley.  At best, Ackley’s going to be a league-average hitter with little power who plays decent second base defense.  THAT is a #2 overall pick?  No, it’s not.  It’s a guy you can find anywhere, for the league minimum (the Adam Kennedy Special, is what it’s called).  The #2 pick needs to be a dynamic game-changer!  Not a fucking low-average singles hitter.

This is it.  If this team doesn’t turn things around in the next two months, expect changes.  This team needs these players to start performing NOW.  Not when the season’s half over and we’re in the basement.  Not in September when it’s Glorified Spring Training and we’re playing for draft placement.  NOW.  Fucking RIGHT NOW!  Either it happens now, or it’s never going to happen and this team will be blown up.  Not a moment too fucking soon, if you ask me, because I’m sick and tired of this bullshit.

I swear to Christ, if the Mariners lose this series to the Astros, I’m turning this blog into a Veronica Mars fansite.  DON’T TEMPT ME, MARINERS!

One thought on “God Damn I Hate The Fucking Mariners

  1. I could not have said it better myself. But, you know what is going to happen. They will win just barely enough to remain somewhat interesting, and that might be a stretch, or wait until 2014 or 2015 when they can get their new regional sports contract and Howie and Chuck can sell the team at a nice profit, then the new owner can fire and clean house. I would say probably around 2017 or so, they will be relevant. The owners don’t care as long as they are making a profit off of us, their customers. Do ya think John Schneider would consider moonlighting as the Mariners GM?

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