Shoot Me Now: The Mariners Are Still Terrible, April 2013 Edition

I swear I’m going to mention the Seahawks’ draft on this site very soon, but for now there’s this.

The Mariners just finished their first month of the season with a 12-17 record.  GOD THEY’RE THE WORST!

It’s no longer early.  Get ready to hear that phrase about a million times in the ensuing days & weeks.  It’s no longer early, so what the fuck?  What the fuck, Mariners?  You got something for me?  Where the fuck’s my money!  You got my fuckin’ money, Mariners?  Maybe my associate with his 9mm will help you remember …

I don’t know what that was.  The point is, no more excuses.  You’ve had 29 fucking games in 30 fucking days, if you haven’t shown us something we can use, then fuck you, go home and play with your fucking kids.

Kyle Seager has shown me something.  .292 batting average, 10 doubles (14 total extra-base hits), good for an .850 OPS.  That’s something!  That’s something you can hang your hat on!  Be proud of yourself, Seager.  You’re a hitter on the Mariners I genuinely enjoy watching.  Bringing the grand total to 1.

I’m coming around on Jason Bay, mostly because he’s not the total trainwreck everyone thought he’d be.  Now, in an ideal world, the trainwrecks on this team would, in fact, BE guys like Jason Bay, Raul Ibanez, and the like.  In an ideal world, the trainwrecks certainly wouldn’t be Smoak, Ackley, and Montero.  But, we live in Seattle, where it’s never an ideal world.

To be fair, Ackley appears to be coming around a little bit.  After starting the year batting a lowly .091 after April 12th, he has raised his average to a whopping .253.  Now, his OPS still sucks, because he never walks and he only has the 3 doubles, but I’ll takes what I can gets.  Is this “hot” streak just a streak?  Is he about to go into another slump which sees him flatlining around the Mendoza line for the bulk of the season?  Let’s hope not.  At this point, I’m willing to live with Dustin Ackley:  Singles Hitter.  It’s better than Dustin Ackley:  Ground Out To Second Base.

Morales and Morse, after somewhat torrid starts, have come down to Earth.  Of course, Morse has that pinky issue he’s trying to pretend isn’t an issue, while Morales is a big fat guy who doesn’t want to be here, so how much can we expect from these two before the trade deadline?  It’s not like they have to try all that hard to get interest from contending teams.  You’d like to think they’d try hard to showcase themselves and get us the best possible players in return that we can get, but go back a couple of paragraphs to that whole “ideal world” thing.

On the pitching side of things, Felix and Iwakuma are in a dead heat for the early Cy Young race.  Both have sub-2 ERAs, both are striking out around 9 batters per 9 innings, both have 5 of 6 starts as Quality Starts, and both have winning records in spite of this grotesque offense.  Words cannot express how much I love these two guys.

Everyone else:  not so much.  Joe Saunders has given up exactly 2 earned runs over 22.1 innings in three home games this season.  Joe Saunders has given up exactly 19 earned runs over 13.2 innings in three road games this season.  I’m not gonna lie to you, I would SERIOUSLY consider running with a 6-man starting rotation and handcuffing Joe Saunders to his Safeco Field locker.

Brandon Maurer is pretty much exactly what you would expect of a middling prospect who has made the jump from AA to the Bigs.  Stephen Strasburg he isn’t.  Growing Pains is the euphemistic way of saying he’s not very good.  He’s had three crap games, two okay games against the Rangers, and one really good game against the Angels last week.  Right now, he’s a two-pitch pitcher with a slider and a fastball and no way to get left-handed hitters out.  Not for nothing, but this is why you keep a guy like Jon Garland out of Spring Training.  Even if you’re not 100% convinced he will keep over a full season, it’s still probably better than rushing Maurer too soon.  He needs to be in Tacoma developing and working on his change up.  Either that, or he needs to be throwing his change up more NOW while he’s with the Mariners.  Chock this season up as a lost cause and start developing his gifts for future seasons where hopefully we won’t suck so bad.

The less said about Aaron Harang, the better.  That guy is a fucking nightmare where I can’t wake up and a horrible monster is eating me alive.

The bullpen has more or less been as expected.  Wilhelmsen and Capps are rocking the party, Perez has been fine, Furbush has been okay, and Loe has been DFA’d.  Because he sucks.  Almost as hard as Aaron Harang.

In all honesty, I can’t wait until Aaron Harang is let go so I can immediately forget he was ever a Seattle Mariner until someone, somewhere, points out in a few years that he was on the team for a few of the most miserable weeks/months of my life, and I’ll go, “Oh yeah …” and then I’ll immediately forget he was ever a Seattle Mariner again.

There’s already talk of the team making moves, and not just the predictable moves of firing the GM and the manager.  At some point, you get tired of watching young prospects get rushed up too soon, struggle, and then have everyone else shrug their shoulders and say, “Welp, we tried!  And now there’s no one below them ready to replace them, so I guess we’re stuck!”  I hate the fact that the Mariners suck, I hate the fact that there isn’t anyone who is ready to come up to replace the suckier of the sucky Mariners, and I hate being reminded on a daily basis that this team sucks.

So, here’s a suggestion:  stop sucking!  Figure it the fuck out, win some fucking games, and give this city something to fucking cheer for!  We’re all a little sick and fucking tired of your bullshit.

6 thoughts on “Shoot Me Now: The Mariners Are Still Terrible, April 2013 Edition

  1. Pingback: Shoot Me Now: The Mariners Are Still Terrible, May 2013 Edition | Seattle Sports Hell

  2. Pingback: Shoot Me Now: The Mariners Are Still Terrible, June 2013 Edition | Seattle Sports Hell

  3. Pingback: Shoot Me Now: The Mariners Are Still Terrible, July 2013 Edition | Seattle Sports Hell

  4. Pingback: Shoot Me Now: The Mariners Are Still Terrible, August 2013 Edition | Seattle Sports Hell

  5. Pingback: Shoot Me Now: The Mariners Are Still Terrible, September 2013 Edition | Seattle Sports Hell

  6. Pingback: Let Russell Wilson Scramble | Seattle Sports Hell

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *