The 2013 Seattle Seahawks Drafted 11 All Pros

OK, I’ll bite.  Or rather suck.  The dicks.  Of the Seahawks executives in charge of this wonderful marvel of a team.  The following 11 draft picks are going to be just the depth, special teamers, and future starters we need to continue being the greatest team in the history of the National Football League.  19-0 is on the table.  Hell, why not 38-0?

57-0?

Unbridled enthusiasm aside, I don’t know how these draft picks are going to turn out, you don’t know how these draft picks are going to turn out, so let’s cut the shit.  There are any number of ways the careers of these 11 guys can go.  At the very bottom of the spectrum, they can be terrible busts and cut before we play meaningful games.  They could be terrible, but raw and/or coachable, showing something that the coaches think might be built up while playing on the practice squad.  They could be decent, but subjected to a numbers game, tried to pass through to the practice squad only to be snatched up by another team.  They could be good, make the 53-man roster, but spend the bulk of the regular season games on the Inactive List.  They could be good, make the 53-man roster, and play on special teams.  They could be good, play on special teams, and play occasionally on offense and/or defense.  They could play regularly on offense and/or defense.  Or, they could start.

Those are just some of the plethora of options.  So, I’ll give my semi-informed thoughts, which are based on the semi-informed thoughts of others (because obviously I’ve never seen any of these people play in real life).

Second Round – Christine Michael, RB

You think this guy hated substitute teachers growing up, butchering his name while taking attendance?  You think he was picked on just a LITTLE bit?  Right off the bat, you gotta like the Boy Named Sue potential of this kid.

Kill me, I like this pick.  I feel like, at this point, if you’re not saying, “What the fuck are they thinking?” when talking about the Seahawks and their first pick of the draft, then they’re not doing their jobs.  Did we NEED to make this pick?  Hell no!  I’ve got it in my head that we’ve easily got two more good years out of Marshawn Lynch, then we’ve got Turbin in the wings ready to take his place.  We could’ve held out, just drafted a run-of-the-mill running back in the later rounds, and had our running game of the future by way of far less premium draft slots.

But, this kid sounds like the real deal Holyfield.  Which leads me to wonder a couple things:

  1. How much longer does Lynch have with this team?
  2. How much does the team like Turbin?

Marshawn Lynch has carried the ball 600 times the past two years.  In his tenure with the Seahawks, he has played behind some dreadful lines.  Granted, for the last season and a half, they picked up their games, but he has taken QUITE the beating.  And that’s on top of the fact that he self-inflicts a lot of his beatings by being a bad-ass motherfucker who won’t take Go Out-of-Bounds for an answer.  He’s also been suffering from back spasms & other back-related issues (it’s difficult carrying a whole entire offense at one time) which leads me to wonder if this team isn’t worried about his durability for the next two seasons.

When running backs hit a wall, they hit it hard and they never come back the same.  Lynch is so tough, he could probably play through it and extend his career an extra five years like a Thomas Jones or a Curtis Martin.  Then again, it’s not like those guys were All Pros in their waning years.  Do you really want to risk being stuck with Turbin starting and some fifth rounder backing him up?

Which leads us into my other question:  do you even want Turbin starting at all?

It’s valid to ask.  Yeah, he averaged 4.4 yards per carry last year, but that was on limited duty.  Limited duty in between poundings with Marshawn Lynch Beastmoding the hell out of a defense.  Do we think Turbin can average 4.4 yards per carry over 300 carries in a season (as opposed to just the 80 carries he had as a rookie)?

Sight unseen, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’d trust the second round pick with a first round valuation (Christine Michael) over the fourth round pick from a non-BCS school (Guns Turbin).  I wouldn’t be surprised if we see Michael as your change-of-pace, give-Beastmode-a-break back, while we see Turbin in that third down, pass-catching, 2-minute offense role we all assumed would naturally go to Leon Washington more often last season.

Third Round – Jordan Hill, DT

Of all the guys drafted, I think this is the guy with the best odds to get immediate playing time.  He most likely won’t start, but he COULD.  He will have a place in this defensive line’s rotation because he’s big, he’s athletic, and he can rush the passer from the interior.  If Michael Bennett doesn’t re-sign with us after this season, we could be safe knowing that Hill will be able to take his spot.

Fourth Round – Chris Harper, WR

Fairly tall (6’1), fairly big (231 pounds), decent speed, great strength.  If he puts in the work, he could be the next Michael Irvin.  Or, you know, he could be nothing special.

Wide receiver is one of the hardest positions to predict.  Really, it comes down to:  Either He’s Got It Or He Doesn’t.  You can’t know until you see it in a game.  Even practice can be deceiving.  What makes an undrafted guy like Doug Baldwin a major player in a team’s offense while a fourth round draft pick in Kris Durham a total and complete washout?  Either you have it or you don’t.

I, for one, really REALLY hope that he does.  It would make things going into 2014 a whole lot easier.  If we hit with Harper, then we can lose either Tate or Rice and not miss much of a beat.  It’s going to be crucial to start replacing some of these over-priced guys like Rice with quality young players making their rookie wages so we can pay for the studs like Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas (saying nothing of Russell Wilson who will be many arms and legs worth of salary).  So, let’s all root super hard on Harper being that replacement.  It helps that he has a good “wide receiver name”.  Doesn’t “Chris Harper” sound like a 10-year veteran with a handful of Pro Bowls under his belt?

Fifth Round – Jesse Williams, DT

It would be just like me to sit here and believe a fifth round wide-body from Australia is going to be the best player in this draft class.  Here’s my hunch, and pray to whatever god you choose that I’m wrong:  he WILL be the best and most-talented player in our draft class; but he’s also going to suffer from injury after injury and be out of the league in three years.

I’m not even saying that because he has the knee issue that caused his draft stock to fall all the way from a possible late-first round pick to the fifth round.  It’s just a feeling that I have.  And if it’s true, it would be SO a Seattle thing to have happen.

You gotta like what you read about the kid, though.  320 pounds, 6’4, and by all accounts – since he’s relatively new to this whole American Football thing – he has only gotten better and should CONTINUE to get better.

He can bench 600 pounds!  That’s, like, TWO offensive linemen!  If he’s able to reach his potential, we’re talking about not just a starter, not just an All Pro, but a Hall of Famer.  He could be that good.  I just hope his body holds out.

Fifth Round – Tharold Simon, CB

He’s in that mold.  6’2, long arms, big hands, athletic.  They’re talking about him being the replacement for Brandon Browner when we let him go in free agency because we can’t afford to pay EVERY defensive back on our team top dollar.

For the record, I don’t give a shit about his recent arrest.  I don’t give a shit about ANYONE’S arrests, recent or otherwise.  Boys will be boys and all that.  But, I refuse to believe that he fell to the fifth round based on a bogus arrest.  If you’re telling me the NFL is a copy-cat league, and that everyone is looking for the next Sherman/Browner duo in their cornerbacks, then why would a guy with length and speed and all that fall to the fifth round?  I’m sorry, there’s got to be more we’re either not seeing or not hearing about (because it’s ever-so-much-more-juicy to hear about someone being arrested).

Hopefully I’m wrong.  Obviously, the Seahawks aren’t going to hit on all of these guys, but if Simon turns out to be the heir apparent to Richard Sherman, then John Schneider really is a witch and he should probably be burned at the stake before he turns us all into his slaves.

Fifth Round – Luke Willson, TE

OK, honestly?  I’m calling bullshit on this one.  There is NO FUCKING WAY that a backup tight end out of Rice who caught 9 balls as a senior is going to make any sort of positive impact in the NFL.  No way.  Huh uh.  Sorry.

6’5, 251 pounds?  Don’t care.  Ran a 4.46 40-yard dash?  So what.  38-inch vertical?  Hnnn, stop it!  Stop it, I refuse to believe that this guy is going to be the next Aaron Hernandez!  There’s got to be something about this guy!  Stone hands, an inability to block, an inability to run proper routes, an inability to get open (but, if he’s so tall and can jump so high, couldn’t you put 11 guys on him and just let him catch the ball at its highest point?)

NOOOOOOOOOO!  I’m running away from this guy as fast as I can, no matter how much I want to believe he’s going to be the second coming of Christ.  No one who spells Wilson with two L’s can be counted on to make it in the NFL (how do you like THAT for hard-hitting analysis?)

Sixth Round – Spencer Ware, RB/FB

This pick just makes me sad more than anything.  I find it hard to root against a Seahawk succeeding, but I’m reading about the team using this guy almost exclusively at fullback.  And, not for nothing, but no NFL team in its right mind would ever keep two fullbacks on the roster.

And, gosh darn it, I like me some Michael Robinson!  I don’t want to see him as a cap casualty!  I want to see him win a ring with us, THEN be let go in favor of a younger, cheaper option because we have no choice.

How about this, okay?  Go with me on it:  Spencer Ware looks great in Training Camp and in the preseason.  Then, right before final cuts, he goes down with a season-ending injury.  He’ll have surgery, make a full recovery, and be better than ever NEXT year when we need him to start for us at fullback.  Kay?  Kay.

Seventh Round – Ryan Seymour, OL

OK, we can PROBABLY stop worrying about these guys making the team over beloved current Seahawks.  Seventh round is where I really start drawing the line at giving a damn.  Figure this guy probably makes the practice squad and gives things a run going into 2014.

Seventh Round – Ty Powell, OLB/DE

Small school, fast kid, could play multiple positions from linebacker to LEO defensive end.  Considering what this team has done to improve the pass rush thus far this offseason, he’s going to have to make a Herculean effort just to get noticed.  If he makes this team, either something went very well (he’s a sleeper stud) or something went very wrong (a bus crashed into half of our defensive line).

Seventh Round – Jared Smith, G

Oh boy, another pet project for Tom Cable, who thinks he can make every under-sized, useless defensive tackle into a starting offensive guard.  Forgive me if I don’t die from a 96-hour boner.

Seventh Round – Michael Bowie, OL

You know when you’re selecting teams for a pick-up game of some kind?  Basketball, football, soccer, whathaveyou.  And there’s a guy who is obviously head-and-shoulders better than everyone else on the field who is picking for one of the teams.  AND, he makes it a point to pick as many scrubs as he can to show that he can make anyone into a winner?  That’s what Tom Cable is when he’s picking offensive linemen.  Three out of four seventh round picks were chosen exclusively by Cable as if to say, “Go ahead, rest of the NFL, draft your offensive linemen in the upper rounds.  I’m going to pick these losers nobody wants and they’re going to be BETTER than your overpriced thugs!”

I’m going to say the odds are pretty high that at least one of these guys becomes a starter before his career in the NFL ends, just because Tom Cable is a fucking madman.  Which one is anybody’s guess.  Whether or not he plays for the Seahawks is also anybody’s guess.  Teams like poaching from the castoffs of other, winning teams.  Remember, Breno Giacomini was a fifth rounder out of Green Bay and didn’t start a lick until he came to Seattle.

The Seahawks have found some excellent players in their last three draft classes.  Earl Thomas, Russell Okung, Richard Sherman, K.J. Wright, Kam Chancellor, Russell Wilson, Bobby Wagner, Bruce Irvin, among others.  For that reason and that reason alone, draft “experts” didn’t destroy the Seahawks for their 2013 class.

Normally I’m of the wait-and-see approach to anything like this, but can you really expect the Seahawks to be amazing EVERY year at drafting starters and stars?  Isn’t there a blip in there somewhere where we look back and go, “What were they thinking THAT year?”  Couldn’t that blip be this very class?

Fortunately, it’s not like the Seahawks NEED any of these guys to be All Pros.  They could all be released and this would still be an elite football team.  Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.  After all, Seattle has been shit upon enough.  It’s time to start getting greedy.  EVERY draft class will have at least two Pro Bowlers, or else!

Plus, you know, Percy Harvin.  Yeah, don’t forget that guy.

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