Percy Harvin Is A Jaguar (The Car, Not The Cat)

You know Jag’s.  You know their reputation.  They’re flashy and beautiful on the outside, but temperamental as fuck on the inside.  Now, maybe that reputation is unfair (and I’d say it goes both ways, when you consider Percy Harvin in this whole analogy), but it’s there for a reason.

Around the turn of the century, my mom decided to go all out and buy herself a 1987 XJ6.  Cherry red, previously owned by a little old lady who just took it to bingo and back, so it had like negative miles on it.  This thing was in pristine condition.  She had someone check it out and confirm the same; there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with this car when she forked over the money and was handed the keys and the title.

I want to say she sold that car within 3 years and was able to drive it probably a half dozen times.  I mean, it was one thing after a-God-Damn-nother with this fucking thing!

I’m beginning to think this is what it’s going to be like with Percy Harvin.

Now, before I go on, I should point out that I haven’t soured on him yet.  I’m not going to be Joe Sports Fan who freaks out about every little thing, whose opinion changes with the blowing of the wind (coming out of my ass).  There are definite advantages to owning a tricked-out Jaguar, just like there are advantages to employing a Percy Harvin.

Jaguars are fucking beautiful.  If I could make love to just one car the rest of my life, it would be a Jag (and this is coming from a guy who owns a spruced up blue 1980 Camaro with sick-ass chrome wheels).  If you can’t get pussy jumping into your Jag while you drive down the street like salmon flocking up-river, then you’re driving in the wrong parts of town.  If you’ve got a Jag, you’ve got a car you can be proud to show off to everyone you know and everyone you don’t.

Likewise, Percy Harvin is an excellent football player.  He’s one of the most gifted athletes in the entire NFL.  You can play him out of the backfield and hand the ball off.  You can throw him a screen and let him create yards out of nothing.  He’ll find the soft spot in the zone out of the slot on third down to keep the chains moving.  He’s fast enough to get behind the defense and catch your long bombs running away.  He’ll also return punts and kicks and be among the best in the league at THAT as well!  Hell, I’m not so sure he can’t line up in the shotgun and throw for 300 yards per game; has anyone tried it with him yet?  If you’ve got Percy Harvin on your team, you’ve got a guy you can showcase on both offense and special teams.  You’ve got a guy who will lead your team game-in and game-out in total yards.

On the outside and on Sundays, Jags and Percy Harvin are worth every penny they command.  Just remember:  you’re going to have to deal with some bullshit.

Like a Jag, Percy Harvin requires regular routine maintenance.  He gets dinged up on the reg.  You put in the work making him all better, you get him back out there on the road, and BAM, something else malfunctions.  Yes, you’re the envy of everyone else who doesn’t have a Jag/Percy Harvin, but truth be told, they don’t know how lucky they are to NOT have to deal with all the work that goes into making a Jag/Percy Harvin look good on the road/open field.

Buying a car – especially a Jag – is a huge commitment.  Up front, you’re committing a ton of money to bring it home.  Same thing with Percy Harvin.  He cost us a lot of money AND draft picks.  So, it’s understandable that you’d want to get as much as you can out of your huge purchase.  You’re going to baby it.  You’re going to take it slow in the early going.  You don’t want to push it too hard, lest you do some real damage.  And you’re not going to cut ties at the first sign of trouble.  A Jag, like Percy Harvin, is probably a 5-6 year marriage.  Nobody wants to be involved with a failed marriage, but when you get in bed with a Jag/Percy Harvin, you kinda know the clock is ticking.  There’s a shelf life and there’s a sell-by date on the back.  That doesn’t mean that Jag/Percy Harvin won’t be bad-ass from time to time.  It does mean that eventually, the bad is going to out-weigh the good and you’re going to try to pawn that Jag/Percy Harvin off on some other poor, unsuspecting sap.  Let it be THEIR problem.

I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of this from my non-Seahawks fan friends.  I’m sure they’re laughing at all of us right now at how we got snookered into buying a used Percy Harvin.  Just know that there will be moments – there will be games – where Percy Harvin dominates.  And there we’ll be, gloating with every fiber of our being, while still knowing that this is only temporary.

There are no guarantees in sports.  You take risks with every personnel decision you make.  The only thing I can tell you is that, throughout the duration of this Percy Harvin contract, you’re going to waffle back and forth between thanking your lucky stars that we have him and wishing we’d never made the deal in the first place.  None of it will matter if we can get that ring next February.

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