It has been impossible to pick these games this year, and I’m not even doing it against the spread! Yet, after three weeks, I find myself averaging less than 10 correct games a week and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.
Really GOOD teams (or what I thought would be good teams) have losing records right now! Atlanta, San Francisco, Green Bay, St. Louis, the Giants, the Redskins, the Steelers. Other supposedly shitty teams are on fire out of the gate! Miami, Indy, Tennessee, the Jets to a lesser extent.
So, what’s the deal? Are we talking about good teams just playing in rough patches? Are these bad teams with good records just running into an easy part of their schedules? I’d like to know before I start lagging too far behind to catch up!
The post-Hawaii malaise continues, so I’m wrapping up this intro early. Here are the rankings:
- Seattle Seahawks (3-0) – This AFC portion of our schedule that we’re in right now will be those rare instances where it’s a good test to see how your team measures up (especially on the road), while at the same time not being SO important, because they’re AFC games and the NFC West is falling apart right now.
- Denver Broncos (3-0) – The scariest team the Seahawks never play this year.
- Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) – Impressive win, the way they hung tough against the Packers. Yes, it required a fumble return for a TD, and they were at home, but this team is legit and deserves to be treated as such.
- Kansas City Chiefs (3-0) – Honestly, I didn’t think their offense could hang with Philly’s offense. Little did I know that their defense is really the strength of this team.
- Green Bay Packers (1-2) – They’ve lost two road games against two Top 10 teams. I wouldn’t panic about the Packers just yet. That having been said, looks like this team could really use a Top 2 seed in the NFC if they want to go anywhere in the playoffs.
- Atlanta Falcons (1-2) – Gotta give props to Miami for clearly being the better team right now. That having been said, the Falcons are banged up. Just wait until they get healthy.
- San Francisco 49ers (1-2) – This team had some head-scratching losses in 2012, yet still went to the Super Bowl. The only difference this year is that all of their impact weapons are either injured or alcoholics.
- Houston Texans (2-1) – I hate having this team in the Top 10. Absolutely hate it. That having been said, I can’t justify some of these next teams on the list leap-frogging them. I don’t care what the Ravens were able to do. That’s a veteran team at home against a Texans team who just had a bad day.
- New England Patriots (3-0) – Getting Gronkowski back mid-season is like having your own Kraken that you can pull out at any point you want. Being 3-0 without him makes this team all the more dangerous When their weapons return, they should be a Top 5 staple.
- New Orleans Saints (3-0) – They’ve played two games at home and beat the Bucs on the road. This perfect record isn’t anything to start sucking dicks over.
- Miami Dolphins (3-0) – I am dumbfounded. I know there were people out there touting this team as potentially competing with the Pats for the AFC East, but I thought that was the talk of the criminally insane. But, they’ve won two games on the road and one home game against a Top 5 team in the NFC. The Dolphins MIGHT be for real. Crow is piling up on my plate as we speak.
- Carolina Panthers (1-2) – If this team had a proper coaching staff, you’d be looking at a 2-1 squad ready to do some serious damage in the NFC. As it stands, the talent is there, but if they’re not overwhelming overmatched opponents, they’re going to be involved in close games. And we all know what happens to the Panthers in close games.
- Baltimore Ravens (2-1) – The Ravens certainly needed to unleash a butt-whoopin’. Wish someone would’ve told me they were retiring Ray Lewis’ number before the game. I wouldn’t have put my money on the Texans, that’s for damn sure.
- Chicago Bears (3-0) – Whoop-dee-doo, they beat up on the Pittsburgh Steelers, BFD.
- Indianapolis Colts (2-1) – Right now, I LOVE this team! They just went into San Francisco and gifted us a cushion in this division! In two weeks, I may feel differently, but let us both enjoy the afterglow of rockin’ sex while we still can.
- Detroit Lions (2-1) – If you’re going to compete for a playoff spot, those games are the ones you have to take advantage of. Beating the Redskins while they’re at their lowest is essential. Of course, at the same time, if you’re going to be a Wild Card fringey-type team, you’re going to drop the occasional game to the Cardinals of the world like they did a week ago. We may never know who the Real Lions are until it’s too late and we’ve lost too many bets on their games.
- Dallas Cowboys (2-1) – I like the Rams, I think they’re a tough matchup for just about anyone, but the Cowboys made the Rams look like little ineffectual nothings on Sunday! Also, it’s about fucking time the Cowboys started running the football! Look at what happens when you take the game out of Romo’s renegade hands!
- San Diego Chargers (1-2) – Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know how ANYONE loses to the Titans, but that’s why I’m running headlong into last place in my Pick ‘Em league.
- St. Louis Rams (1-2) – The Rams and the 49ers both dropped huge turds in their games this weekend. Were they BOTH looking forward to this upcoming Thursday’s matchup? Anything’s possible. I feel like whatever I pick is going to be wrong in this game, so congrats Rams! I’m going to pick the 49ers to win, knowing that they will in fact lose.
- Arizona Cardinals (1-2) – There’s that old Carson Palmer we all knew and loved!
- Philadelphia Eagles (1-2) – Chip Kelly’s not used to dealing with a football team that likes to turn the ball over as much as Philly does. Welcome to the NFL, bitch.
- Tennessee Titans (2-1) – Jake Fucking Locker! I still don’t know if he’s going to make it, but it’s games like these that give me a little more confidence.
- Washington Redskins (0-3) – Just a bad football team right now. They’ve still got all the weapons in the world on offense, but they need to figure out what it was that they were good at last year and go back to it. Most likely, that means taking the training wheels off of RGIII and let the man run the ball again. What’s the point of keeping him healthy if he’s going to be a mediocre pocket passer while costing you multiple football games?
- New York Jets (2-1) – In the eternal struggle, this week the Jets found they were better than the Bills. Still doesn’t mean they’re THAT much better than the Bills.
- Buffalo Bills (1-2) – Take your lumps, hope EJ Manuel gets better as the season goes along, and hope your front office can draft talent around him. It’s a process and you’re in the beginning stages. It DOES get better, though. Trust me.
- Cleveland Browns (1-2) – Hoyer! Who knew all they needed to do was get rid of Weeden? Besides every Browns fan in the world.
- New York Giants (0-3) – They’ve got a couple good receivers, a sometimes-decent quarterback, and nothing else. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I avoided drafting Eli Manning like the plague. To all you owners waking up and realizing what you’ve done on draft day, just know that Eli has at least 3 or 4 more of these games in him this season, so trade him while you still can.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) – Must win this upcoming game against the Cardinals. If they start out 0-4, I think they might consider blowing up the whole team.
- Minnesota Vikings (0-3) – You lost at home to Cleveland? You LOST, at HOME, to CLEVELAND? You brought yo BITCH to the WAFFLE HUT?
- Oakland Raiders (1-2) – What in the holy fuck did Oakland do to deserve a showcase on Monday Night Football last year?! ESPN should be truly ashamed for picking this game. Can people who live in Oakland even AFFORD televisions?
- Pittsburgh Steelers (0-3) – Hard fall for a once-proud franchise who used to pride itself on always drafting quality players.
- Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3) – Might go to 0-16. A definite lock for no more than 2 wins.