Seattle Sports Hell 2013 NFL Power Rankings – Week 5

I’m under a time crunch today, so we’re doing these quick and dirty (for the most part).


  1. Denver Broncos (5-0) – Welp, the Broncos are the undisputed Best Team In The NFL until further notice.
  2. Seattle Seahawks (4-1) – You know, we out-played the Colts in a lot of ways, but also shit happens in a lot of ways.  We’ll be okay.

The Rest:

  1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0) – Yes, the Chiefs are a good team, but they’ve also had a VERY soft landing to start this new regime with Andy Reid & Alex Smith.  Their opponents have a combined 7-18 record so far this season (include two winless teams in the Jags & Giants.  I’ll leave ’em here as the Best of the Rest for now, but let’s see how they look against a good team.  The first really good team they play is Denver in Week 11, so they might be here a while.
  2. Green Bay Packers (2-2) – Big win at home against a divisional rival.
  3. San Francisco 49ers (3-2) – Boy, they made the Texans look like a bunch of dicks in the yard, huh?
  4. New Orleans Saints (5-0) – Seems like Rob Ryan always makes this immediate impact wherever he goes, then he gets less and less effective the longer he stays there, until finally he has worn out his welcome and has to  move on to another team.  This is his first year with the Saints, so we should give this team another few weeks before they start to fall apart.
  5. Indianapolis Colts (4-1) – What can I say?  Impressive win over an impressive team.  No regression this year with the Colts.
  6. New England Patriots (4-1) – You gotta wonder how they would have done under balmy weather conditions.
  7. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2) – Will someone PLEASE tell me if I can trust this team in big games or not?!  They beat the Patriots, they lose to the Browns … I’ve got a cockfight to focus on.
  8. Houston Texans (2-3) – Matt Schaub is falling apart before all of our eyes.
  9. Detroit Lions (3-2) – Yeah, I dunno.  They were never going to go into Green Bay and win.
  10. Chicago Bears (3-2) – Could’ve helped us out by beating the Saints.  Thanks, Bears.
  11. Baltimore Ravens (3-2) – Are the Dolphins over-rated?
  12. Miami Dolphins (3-2) – Are the Ravens under-rated?
  13. Dallas Cowboys (2-3) – Wow!  What a showing against the Broncos!  And then they Romo’d it all away.
  14. New York Jets (3-2) – Very, VERY impressive win in Atlanta.  Geno Smith, looking more and more like the real deal.
  15. San Diego Chargers (2-3) – Ha, you had to play in Oakland after a stupid baseball game.
  16. Cleveland Browns (3-2) – On the plus side, you’re leading your division.  On the downside, we don’t get to reference Hoyer The Destroyer anymore this season.
  17. Tennessee Titans (3-2) – And these were the dark times for the Tennessee Titans.
  18. Atlanta Falcons (1-4) – No team that loses at home to the Jets can be considered “good”.  I don’t know how I was so wrong about a team.
  19. Buffalo Bills (2-3) – Wouldn’t it be something if they Bills beat the Bengals this week and my head exploded?
  20. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) – Whoop-dee-doo, they beat up on the New York Giants, BFD.
  21. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) – Josh Freeman, YOUR newest Minnesota Viking.  Enjoy your quarterback controversy, suckers!
  22. St. Louis Rams (2-3) – You prevented the Jags from winning a game this week, good for you!
  23. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) – You just HAD to go out and beat the Panthers this week, making me look foolish in the process, didn’t you?
  24. Carolina Panthers (1-3) – You just HAD to go out and get beat by the Cards this week, making me look foolish in the process, didn’t you?
  25. Washington Redskins (1-3) – It’s been nice not seeing any RGIII highlights this week.  You should go on BYE more often.
  26. Oakland Raiders (2-3) – Maybe next time, oh I dunno, don’t be from a depressed city with no money so you can actually get your own fucking stadium like a REAL NFL franchise.
  27. New York Giants (0-5) – Oh Eli, you’ll bury us all.
  28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4) – Yep.
  29. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4) – S’all right?
  30. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-5) – S’all right.

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