Seattle Sports Hell 2013 NFL Power Rankings – Week 6

Normally, when it comes to issues of “morality” or “good taste”, I tend to be the contrarian in any argument.  It’s boring to go with the vast majority, and for the most part, people like to get REAL high and mighty with their stances on things.  Like there’s no place in baseball for Yasiel Puig’s antics.  Bullshit there isn’t!  I think what he does is GREAT for the game of baseball, so take your seat in your Barcalounger, old man!  Let the young men enjoy the game!

But, there’s one argument where I can’t help but side with everyone else.  Right is right.  And those Houston Texans fans who cheered Schaub’s injury were fucking dickheads.

Look, I get it.  I know what it feels like to be a fan of a team with relatively high expectations and I know what it’s like for that team to come up short.  I know what it’s like to root for highly-paid disappointments.  I know what it’s like when there’s that ONE GUY who you can’t fucking stand.  Believe me, I root for Seattle teams … I KNOW!  But you people are fucking morons if you think Matt Schaub getting injured is worthy of praise.

Now, I’ll admit, I don’t follow the Houston Texans as closely as fans of that team, but I know a little bit.  I know, for starters, that you have no quarterback on that team who is better than Schaub.  T.J. Yates?  Are you JOKING me?  That’s almost as bad as Seahawks fans chanting for Charlie Whitehurst to come into the game!

But, more importantly, Matt Schaub isn’t the reason your team is losing these games.  Yes, throwing four pick-sixes in four games is pretty shitty, but a lot of that is bad luck.  If it were so easy for defenses to generate pick-sixes, then why doesn’t Blaine Gabbert have one in every single game he’s started?  It’s luck.  A lot of it is luck.  Now, of course, Schaub isn’t having the greatest season.  And, if you’re at the point where you’re cheering his being injured, then you have to realize that this goes further than 4 pick sixes in 4 games.  This is his seventh year in Houston, and for much of that time, he has led some pretty good teams.  Before this year, there was only one losing season since he’s worn that uniform.  He has two playoff appearances under his belt in the last two years, and in both of those years, the Texans have lost in the Divisional Round.  Of course, one of those defeats wasn’t his fault, as he was injured and the very same T.J. Yates came in and stunk up the joint.  But, I guess if you’re sick of Schaub at this point, then the Texans losing last year (when they blew a Top 2 seed and couldn’t even advance to the AFC Championship game) probably already had you teetering on the edge of total hatred.

The fact of the matter is, I DON’T understand how you can hate the guy.  He has been the best quarterback in your franchise’s history!  You should see some of the losers we as Seahawks fans have had to root for.  Come watch Jon Kitna for a few years and tell me how much you hate Schaub then!

Yes, it’s classless, yes it’s sickening, but most importantly, it’s just plain ignorant.  If you’re going to cheer for a guy on your team to be injured, at least make sure he DESERVES to hear those cheers!  But, what can you expect?  I mean, let’s face it, football fans can be pretty ignorant.  It’s just a fact of life (though, not you, dear readers; you are among the smartest, most charming people I know!  You handsome devils, you!).

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  1. Denver Broncos (6-0) – Just so we’re agreed, we’re not going to get carried away because the Jags put up some yards and points against the Broncos, right?  We’re also not going to get all caught up in the fact that Manning didn’t surpass 300 yards and “only” threw for 2 touchdowns, agreed?  Let’s all just save the drama for another week (perhaps for someone like your mama, for instance).
  2. Seattle Seahawks (5-1) – Why, hello there easy home win against an inferior team.  Oh how I’ve missed you.

The Rest:

  1. Kansas City Chiefs (6-0) – Realer than Real Deal Holyfield.  And now you hookers and hoes know how I feel.
  2. Green Bay Packers (3-2) – Well, shit, losing your top two receivers isn’t ideal.
  3. San Francisco 49ers (4-2) – Remember when the 49ers were 1-2?  Those were some good days.
  4. New England Patriots (5-1) – God bless you, Patriots!  Last year, you royally fucked us by not beating San Francisco late in the season, but you’ve TOTALLY REDEEMED YOURSELVES.
  5. New Orleans Saints (5-1) – Oh, you’re only TIED for first in the NFC?  How quaint.
  6. Indianapolis Colts (4-2) – Well, you lost, and that’s got to be really disappointing for you.  However, Andrew Luck and T.Y. Hilton had crappy games, which helped my fantasy team squeak by with a win, so that’s good for me.  In fact, I would venture to say that COMPLETELY makes up for you beating my Seahawks last week!
  7. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) – Still just the toughest team to read.  How did they let Buffalo back into that game without their #1 QB?
  8. Detroit Lions (4-2) – Say it loud, say it proud, the Detroit Football Lions are number one in the NFC North.
  9. Chicago Bears (4-2) – Whoop-dee-doo, they beat up on the New York Giants, BFD.
  10. Baltimore Ravens (3-3) – Hey, so way to gag one away at home!  Where’s this fearsome passing attack I’ve heard so much about?  Why can’t one of the highest-paid quarterbacks in the game win a close one at home against a good opponent?  An alternate spelling for Flacco is “o-v-e-r-r-a-t-e-d”.
  11. Miami Dolphins (3-2) – The two teams behind them lost, but the team ahead of them had a miracle comeback win.  Kind of a mixed-bag of a BYE week for the Dolphins.  But, one of those mixed bags you get when you leave the Puyallup Fair that has a bunch of toys you don’t want and a bottle of bubbles you throw out the car window on the ride back home to see if the car behind you will skid off the road while your parents threaten to ground you.
  12. San Diego Chargers (3-3) – Who the hell knows, right?  Between Baltimore, Miami, and San Diego, you’ve got three teams who win and lose at completely random intervals!  The Chargers’ secondary was supposed to be one of the worst in the league at giving up passing yards, yet they held Indy without a touchdown … go figure.
  13. Dallas Cowboys (3-3) – I happily slept through the game last night.  I unhappily woke up to find Demarco Murray has injured himself once again.  Probably should’ve traded him in fantasy when I had the chance.
  14. St. Louis Rams (3-3) – Some of us, like yours truly, saw the Rams going into Houston and getting the win.  Don’t worry Rams, we haven’t all given up hope.
  15. New York Jets (3-3) – And the award for the ugliest, most pointless game of the weekend goes to … Jets/Steelers!
  16. Houston Texans (2-4) – Look, it’s time Houston.  Cut your losses and start tanking now before it’s too late and you finish the season 8-8.
  17. Cleveland Browns (3-3) – Weeden, now would be a good time to start playing better.  I need you healthy and active in week 9, and preferably kicking some ass!  Stupid fantasy BYE weeks.
  18. Tennessee Titans (3-3) – Was it just me, or was Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing some wobbly-ass ducks?  You’re telling me you’d rather have him out there right now over Matt Hasselbeck?
  19. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3) – That’s one trainwreck of a defense you’ve got there.
  20. Atlanta Falcons (1-4) – Huh.  Down goes Julio Jones.  Not gonna lie to you, I did NOT see this season coming.
  21. Buffalo Bills (2-4) – I really hope EJ Manuel isn’t out long.  This team really needs him in the fold.  They could, in the meantime, stand to collect & bottle whatever it is that team does at the ends of games and try to do that for ENTIRETIES of games, so they’re not always forced to mount furious comebacks (see:  the Carolina & Cincinnati games)
  22. Arizona Cardinals (3-3) – They are, almost exactly, who we thought they were.  Rename them the Arizona Carson Palmers right now and get it over with.
  23. Carolina Panthers (2-3) – Yes, start going for it on fourth and shorts!  It’s about damn time!
  24. Oakland Raiders (2-4) – You think YOU can go into Kansas City and beat the Chiefs?  Please, you’re wasting everyone’s time!
  25. Minnesota Vikings (1-4) – Pretty bad when you long for the days of Christian Ponder.
  26. Washington Redskins (1-4) – Does someone want to tell me why everyone refers to the NFC East as “wide open” while the NFC West in 2010 was hapless?  The Redskins are 1-4 and are only 1.5 games out of first!  The Giants are 0-6 and only 3 games back!  The NFC Least is not “wide open”, it’s PATHETIC!
  27. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-4) – Look at you getting your first win of the season!  How about that?
  28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5) – Too bad they wasted their BYE week by not firing this shit-storm of a coaching staff.  Now, Tampa is stuck for the rest of the season with this group of losers.
  29. New York Giants (0-6) – Smells like someone died.
  30. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-6) – Your 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars.

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