Seattle Sports Hell 2013 NFL Power Rankings – Week 12

This topic doesn’t deserve its own post, because frankly, I’m getting sick and tired of writing this fucking post.

Walter Thurmond!  Thank you!  I mean, God damn, what would a championship season be without an unnecessary road block or two?  It’s like, you saw everyone coming back healthy, you saw this team starting to gel and really hit its stride, and you thought:  “I’m gonna get a little high.”

You're a towel!

You’re a towel!

One game.  We had one game with pretty much everyone healthy and playing (save Sidney Rice, of course, and I guess Brandon Browner).  One game with all of our positions at full strength.  Now, we get to go into the most important game of the season to date, against one of the best passing attacks in the league, down two of our top three cornerbacks.  Great.

I think suspensions for smoking weed are pretty fucking stupid.  But, this is the NFL.  You don’t come to the NFL for progressive, forward-thinking individuals.  You come to the NFL for stodgy, “No Fun League” ethos.  This is the same league that puts crazy restrictions on touchdown celebrations and so-called taunting.  You REALLY think they’re going to let something like smoking weed go by without making a huge stink?  If they could, they’d ban ingestion of anything harder than warm milk!

Nevertheless, you know what you’re getting with the NFL.  The rules are clearly spelled out.  Furthermore, you’re on a team that’s had more than its fair share of players being suspended for being idiots.  You knew the importance of this season from a team perspective (Super Bowl contender) and you knew the importance of this season from a personal perspective (contract season) and you did it anyway.  Why?  Who gives a shit why?  You did what you did knowing the consequences.  Smug Seahawks fans like to play the “Don’t Throw Stones” card in these situations, but I like to think the majority of people who know the fucking consequences of certain situations would be strong enough and smart enough to NOT FUCKING SMOKE WEED.  It’s fucking weed!  I completely understand how much fun smoking weed can be, but it’s not like it’s delicious, delicious alcohol or anything!

I keep telling myself it’s stupid to get angry about these types of things, but I can’t help it.  Right before the Saints game?  God damn it all!


Everything above this point was written on Sunday afternoon / Monday morning.  This little bitty section here is being written Monday night, after news that Brandon Browner’s season is over.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?  It’s not like I expected him to make a miraculous comeback before the Saints game, but I SURE AS SHIT was counting on him for the playoff run!

I guess this makes some of the decisions for next year a little easier.  We won’t have to wonder about the Seahawks giving Browner a huge contract extension.  If he comes back, it’ll likely be for the minimum, on a short-term deal (especially if the 1-year ban holds and he can’t come back until week 13).  But, from what it sounds like, we’re just flat-out moving on.

This is just shitty, shitty news that I didn’t need to be hearing about now.  Or ever, really.  I liked Browner.  I still do, I guess, but this is more disappointing than enraging.  He earned the major contract he was going to get.  Working for peanuts for the Seahawks, going from CFL star to NFL Pro Bowler in the best secondary in football, he had everything going for him.  Of course, I guess you could say it’s his own fault that he’s not going to get paid, since he fucked up and broke the rules again.  Still, I feel for the guy.  He should at least qualify for a Super Bowl ring when we win it all, right?

On to the rankings.


  1. Denver Broncos (9-2) – Well, they lost a tough road game against a good opponent, but it’s not quite enough for me to knock them off the top spot.  Especially considering what the Seahawks lost this weekend (I would argue losing Thurmond is more important to us than Moreno is to them).  This upcoming week will say a lot.  Denver goes to Kansas City to possibly decide the AFC West and the conference’s #1 seed.  After this week, it’s pretty smooth sailing for the Broncos.
  2. Seattle Seahawks (10-1) – I’ll tell you this, though:  if the Seahawks find a way to beat the Saints, I’m putting them back in the top spot, regardless of what Denver ends up doing in Kansas City.

The Rest:

  1. Kansas City Chiefs (9-2) – Well, they really didn’t need to lose to the Chargers.  Possibly a case of them looking forward to Denver again.  Then again, defensive injuries won’t be their friend going forward.
  2. Carolina Panthers (8-3) – Lordy!  You don’t want any part of Riverboat Ron right now!  I know everyone is going to vote for Andy Reid as Coach of the Year, but my vote goes squarely to Ron Rivera.
  3. New England Patriots (8-3) – Gutty.  Now, all they need is for Denver to lose one more game.  Preferably this week, because the rest of their schedule is cake.
  4. New Orleans Saints (9-2) – Thanks to Thurmond, I’m officially having my doubts about a Seahawks victory at home.  So, thanks for that.
  5. Indianapolis Colts (7-4) – Given their division, I don’t think they can possibly blow this, but they sure do look shitty all of a sudden.
  6. San Francisco 49ers (7-4) – 49ers fans have to feel a lot better about Kaepernick after last night’s performance.
  7. Arizona Cardinals (7-4) – A team I had dismissed since pretty much the beginning is now in the driver’s seat.  Well, at least they control their own destiny.  And, with wins over the likes of the Panthers, Lions, and Colts, you’re looking at a team you legitimately have to be concerned about.
  8. St. Louis Rams (5-6) – Holy shit, the Rams are just destroying teams!  And to think I’d written this team off just five weeks ago.
  9. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5) – This game against Arizona this week looks like the most entertaining one on the schedule.  Where did that come from?
  10. Detroit Lions (6-5) – Hey Lions?  Don’t look now, but you’re fucking this up.
  11. Chicago Bears (6-5) – Uhh Bears?  Don’t look now, but you’re blowing this.
  12. Dallas Cowboys (6-5) – Huge win to keep pace with the Eagles.  In the end, this will come down to their showdown in Week 17.
  13. Cincinnati Bengals (7-4) – I like this team about as far as I can throw it.  There are a lot of lose-able games on the horizon, so I wouldn’t be counting any chickens right now.
  14. Baltimore Ravens (5-6) – Game of the year for the Ravens on Thanksgiving against the Steelers.  If they lose, Pittsburgh takes a 1-game lead and owns the tie-breaker, effectively ending the Ravens’ season.  If they win, then certainly you have to consider them alive.  They play at Cincinnati in Week 17.  Win that game and they’d have the tiebreaker over the Bengals, so all they have to do is win out and hope the Bengals bungle a couple along the way.  Definitely possible.
  15. San Diego Chargers (5-6) – Man, that game sure took a turn, didn’t it?  I still don’t believe in this team, but when Philip Rivers gets on a roll like he can from time to time, this offense is as good as any in football.
  16. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-6) – This is certainly something.  Bet they wish they hadn’t gagged away that Titans game in week 1.  If Roethlisberger can stay healthy, I could easily see them powering past Cincinnati.
  17. Green Bay Packers (5-5-1) – It’s about God damn time they gave Flynn the starting job!
  18. Miami Dolphins (5-6) – You’re a huge disappointment and nobody likes you.
  19. New York Giants (4-7) – To be honest, I’m kind of glad Dallas won that game.  I don’t need the Giants on this insane hot streak worming their way into the playoffs.
  20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-8) – You heard it here first:  this is a team on the rise!  It only took half a season, but WATCH OUT, NFL!
  21. Buffalo Bills (4-7) – I still haven’t given up hope!  Things could very well start breaking their way and leave them around 9-7 or 8-8 depending on how their quarterback plays and how their defense holds up.
  22. New York Jets (5-6) – Whatever you do, don’t go benching Geno Smith now.  Unless he’s bothered by some nagging injury, you don’t sell the cow now for some magic beans, because this year you absolutely have no shot at anything.
  23. Cleveland Browns (4-7) – Weeden is like an STD that you just can’t shake.  You think you’ve got things cleared up with medication, then you meet a pretty girl and suddenly your face is outbreak central.
  24. Tennessee Titans (5-6) – Yeah, you’re in the hunt now, but your next three games are @IND, @DEN, and vs. Arizona.  Then, it’s @JAX and vs. Houston.  So, 6-10 here we come!
  25. Oakland Raiders (4-7) – Rooting for the Raiders must, in some small way, be like rooting for the Mariners.  A hopeless team, a hopeless franchise, and a hopeless future.
  26. Washington Redskins (3-8) – You know, you’re just helping the Rams get a better draft pick, don’t you?
  27. Houston Texans (2-9) – Well, I picked up their defense for a 1-week trial (because the Seahawks were on BYE and they were playing the Jags.  I guess I got my money’s worth, but come on!  How do you lose to that team?
  28. Atlanta Falcons (2-9) – As the Falcons go, so does my fantasy team:  right down the shitter.  I have Matt Ryan and Tony Gonzalez.  After a semi-brilliant start to the season, it’s been non-stop agony.
  29. Minnesota Vikings (2-8-1) – I don’t even know how to process a tie right now.  Odds are, it means they’ll be a half-game better than a few teams and it’ll hurt their draft spot.  The only thing worse for them would’ve been an outright win.
  30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9) – Your 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars.

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