What’s Got Me Down About Seattle Sports NOW?

We’ve got a big ol’ Pity Party Alert on this one, so if you’re not in the mood – if, indeed, you’re still reveling in the bounty that is the Seattle Seahawks:  Best Team In All Of Football – then you may want to take a step back from this and wait for a post that’s a little more uplifting (it’ll be here bright and early tomorrow morning).

Truth be told, I have no reason whatsoever to be complaining.  Without a doubt, I would settle for losing seasons out of every other one of the teams I root for if it meant the Seahawks won it all.  But, let’s just assume for a minute that I’m a rational human being who realizes that karma isn’t a thing that exists and superstitions are as pointless as a pencil with no sharpener (get it … point-less? … zing!).  If you take away the Seahawks, what are we left with?

  • Another brand-new NBA season with no NBA franchise in Seattle
  • A college football team whose head coach just abandoned it for another team in the same conference (who will likely take away all of his assistant coaches and primary recruiters)
  • A college basketball team that struggles to beat the worst teams on its non-conference schedule
  • A total disaster of a baseball franchise who couldn’t bring in quality players even if they spent Yankees or Dodgers money


Just to expand on these points, it was what – less than a year ago to be sure – that we were looking forward to the Sacramento Kings playing ball in KeyArena at this point.  The investors were set, the MOU was in place, the team was for sale, the offer was accepted … everything was in place.  Then, the NBA came in and butt-fucked us and left us sitting around waiting for Someday.  It’s always fucking Someday.  Seattle’s been waiting for Someday since I’ve fucking been born!

But, you know, this is now the fifth season I’ve lived without the NBA.  It’s really not so bad.  It’s not ideal, of course, but there’s usually something else going on.

Like … College Basketball!  Except, oh wait, the Huskies are terrible.  And, let’s face it, even if they were good, they still wouldn’t be anything to write home about.  They’re never going to be Duke or North Carolina or Michigan.  But, at least if they were good, we’d have something compelling to watch for the next few months!  Something to tide us over until baseball season …

Oh, wait.

You guys, I hate to break it to you, but the secret is out:  everyone knows how inept the Mariners organization is!  I always get a kick out of these pundits and insiders who say they’re envious of the position the Mariners are in right now.  Low payroll, young, “talented” roster, good farm system, new local TV deal that should pump millions upon millions into the team, beautiful stadium that’s been made more neutral for hitters, the only long-term deal being Felix Hernandez.  Why, we’re the belle of the fucking ball!  Any manager or GM would be ELATED to get a job with the Mariners!  To get a chance to run this organization into the ground further than it already is, to help mold these young players into superstars … I’m sure people were lining up around the block!  Trampling their fellow man like they were headed for the doorbuster of all doorbusters!  How these other GMs weren’t quitting their jobs at just the CHANCE to interview with the Seattle Mariners, I have no fucking idea!

And yet, somehow this fucking message never reached the free agents.  We have ALL this money to spend, we have our hands in seemingly every free agent’s jock trying to convince him to sign with Seattle … and yet, no one will come.  WEIRD, I KNOW!  It’s like, didn’t you get the memo?  The Mariners are on the rise!  Pay no mind to all those 90-loss seasons behind the curtain, though.  Or the fact that our last manager wouldn’t touch us with a 100-mile pole.  Just take our truck-fuls of cash and be happy!

Of course, the Mariners won’t go oh-fer the winter.  After all, Willie Fucking Bloomquist is back!  Two year deal!  WOOOO HOOOO MOTHERFUCKERS!  And, as soon as we over-pay Nelson Cruz to play 80 games a year (surrounded by a handful of DL stints), we’ll be all set.

Because the Mariners won’t get the A-Listers, we’ll have to settle for the D-Listers.  The guys who are over-the-hill, who were last good two or three years ago, who haven’t played injury-free at any point in recent history.  The Mariners – like they always do – will Febreze a few turds nobody else wants and try to pass it off that Someday could be closer than we think.  How many times have we heard that story before?

Then again, I guess we should be used to the greats not wanting to come to Seattle.  We can’t even get our home-grown Favorite Sons to return!  Jim Mora Jr., by all accounts, has signed a big, fat extension with the Bruins to stay as far a-fucking-way from the University of Washington as possible.  I’m not saying Mora would guarantee a return to the glory days, but it says quite a lot that we can’t even lure a guy over here when this job is ostensibly his “dream job” (per a radio interview while he was still coaching the Atlanta Falcons way back in the day).

Do you know how rejected that makes me feel?  I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but if you’re a fan of some (or all) of these teams, and you hear that they’re struggling to bring in quality players and/or coaches, doesn’t it just feel like a huge slap in the face?  What does it mean when you can’t even OVER-PAY these guys to come here?

College is kind of a fucked institution anyway, but then again, if a place like Eugene can attract the cream of the football crop, why couldn’t Seattle?  Shit, weed is actually LEGAL here!  You’re telling me we can’t use that to our advantage somehow?  All we need is one great coach, with a great offensive mind, who has a scheme that no one else can stop.  A great scheme can make up for a lack of talent, and when it does, eventually it’ll attract that talent!  Then, you’ve really got something!

But, of course, the Huskies will probably go after some re-tread.  Thinking that we’ve made enough progress in the last five years that all it’ll take is some know-it-all head coach to put everything together (when all the while, we’ll slowly revert back to our also-ran ways).

In basketball, get ready, because a house-cleaning is coming.  If last season didn’t bring about Romar’s firing, then surely this will be the year.  At this point, I’m such a broken, beaten man that I don’t even care anymore.  Maybe we’ll hit the lottery and find the next John Calipari or something.  Of course, you know the odds of winning any lottery …

And as for the Mariners, not even the promise of seeing Felix pitch 30+ times can get me excited for this team anymore.  It’s all so fucked, I can’t even see straight.

Thank holy hell that we have the Seahawks.  We may only get to enjoy them for three hours a week, and there may only be two months left of the season (including playoffs), but by gar at least it’s something!

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