I Am Absolutely Not Afraid Of The San Francisco 49ers

Let’s put it this way:  I’m actually ROOTING for them to make it to the 6th seed in the playoffs, so we can play them in the second round when they beat either Detroit or Philly.

This mascot is scarier than their whole team ...

This mascot is scarier than their whole team …

Plain and simple:  we have their number.  Even at full strength, they can’t throw on us!  We have the exact personnel to match up with everyone from Vernon Davis to Anquan Boldin to even Michael Crabtree.  Sure, they’ve been known to run the ball on us with Frank Gore up the gut, but come on!  These aren’t the 2009 Seahawks; Frank Gore is not going to beat us!

And as for Kaepernick?  He’s a timid little pussycat when he has to step foot into CenturyLink Field.  Oh sure, he tries to hide his emotions behind a tough exterior; but on the inside?  He’s a wounded, cold, shivering little field mouse who doesn’t know how to get back home.

This game on Sunday down in San Francisco means nothing to us.  I mean, yeah, it means something, because we all hate the 49ers because they’re D-Bags and it would be hilarious to see Jim Harbaugh lose his shit some more.  But, in the grand scheme?  We don’t need to win this game.  We’re 11-1!  We’re two wins away from home field advantage with four games to play!  And, truth be told, if I’m legit in my statement that I WANT to have the 49ers crack the 6th seed, then in reality I kinda want the 49ers to win this game (as awful as that sounds).

Let’s put it another way, though.  I’m of the opinion that the Green Bay Packers aren’t necessarily out of it (if and when Aaron Rodgers returns).  If you take a look at the teams currently in the running for the 6th seed (because we’re all of us assuming that either New Orleans or Carolina will be locked into that 5th seed), you’ve got the 49ers, you’ve got either Dallas or Philly (whoever doesn’t win the division and take the 4th seed), you’ve got Arizona and Chicago (I guess), and you’ve got the Packers, who are only 5-6-1 and not TOTALLY eliminated.

Arizona and Chicago can go fuck themselves, because they’re not making shit.  Philly marginally scares me, but I still think they’re going to win that division; and Dallas doesn’t scare me at all because Tony Romo.  That leaves the 49ers and the Packers.  A 49ers win would all-but-eliminate the Packers as a Wild Card team (the 49ers would have to lose their final three games and the Packers would have to win out for them to make it in that scenario).

Of course, this scenario doesn’t prevent the Packers from winning their division, but I’m not concerned with that at the moment.  At the moment, I’m concerned with who the Seahawks will play in the second round of the playoffs.  And that means, I’m concerned with whoever ends up with that 6-seed (because I get the feeling some of these Wild Card teams could easily beat some of these lower division winners).

I guess I’m getting ahead of myself, but that should say a lot about where my head’s at.  I’m not a rabid dog at the thought of Seattle going into San Francisco; they’re not a worry at all!  We’re just better than them, plain and simple.  Even if they do somehow find a way to beat us, it won’t change a God damn thing, because we’re in the driver’s seat and they’re running behind the car waving their arms frantically calling out for us to Wait Up!

Yes, a win this Sunday would be mighty satisfying.  It would mean we’ve locked up the division (it’s like, every week we get to celebrate something new and more important!).  It would mean we’ve hurt their chances at making the playoffs.  And it would mean that no matter where we play them, we will always beat them.  They’ll always have to sit with that knowledge.  They may say in the press that it was their own fault, that they lost the game because of their own mistakes and not because we’re flat-out the best team in football.  But, you and I will know the score.  Jim Harbaugh may be a fine head coach.  Trent Baalke may be a fine general manager.  But, they don’t have what Pete Carroll and John Schneider have.

Get ready, 49ers.  Now is the winter of your discontent.  Now, and for the next thousand years!

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