I Love Felix; I Hate The Mariners

I say it every year, under these EXACT same circumstances, so why not say it again:  if Felix ever leaves the Mariners, I’m dumping this fucking team in a heartbeat and I’m following him around like the Grateful Dead until he hangs ’em up.

This is what happens when you “sleep on” a loss like last night’s.

Blow any other game.  Literally ANY other game, not started by Felix, and I wouldn’t be this upset.  But, you could see it coming a mile away.  As soon as he came out for the 8th, as soon as he gave up that leadoff triple, as soon as the manager came out to pull him.  You could see the blown save hovering over the stadium like a tsunami of suck just waiting to crash down and destroy everything in its path.

Of course, I was expecting Furbush to come in and lay the game to waste.  Or maybe Medina getting into trouble and giving up a moon shot.  And then, when he improbably got out of the 8th inning with the lead still intact (although cut in half), I thought maybe we had a chance.  Yes, Fernando Rodney is wild, but he’s EFFECTIVELY wild.  He might blow ten saves in a row, but MAYBE he can get out of this one unscathed!


Brad Miller SHOULD feel like dogshit.  I hope he sat up until all hours of the night thinking about botching that grounder that should’ve ended the game and made Felix the first 4-0 pitcher of the season.

By the way, when the FUCK is Brad Miller going to start carrying his own weight on this team?  You know what I see when I look at Brad Miller?  Every time a ball JUST bounces off of his glove and skips into the outfield for a single?  I think, “Brendan Ryan surely would’ve made that play.”  Now, I’m not sitting here wishing that we had Brendan Ryan back, mostly because his hitting drove me crazy.

Except …

You know what I see when I look at Brad Miller with a bat in his hands?  I see someone who sucks JUST AS HARD as Brendan Fucking Ryan!

Brad Miller is supposed to be a decent-to-good glove man with a plus bat.  Instead, he sucks dick at the plate, and he’s always seemingly JUST out of position to make the play at short.  We all had a good chuckle when the ball bounced off of his glove and went right to Cano’s for the head’s up double play the other day, but that happens TOO OFTEN, and last night it bit him in the ass.

So, yeah, Brad Miller, you SHOULD feel like crap.  You deserve all the vitriol from the fans right now.  You deserve to have Nick Franklin breathing down your neck.  Predictably, another wildly successful Spring Training performance has been shot down in flames once the calendar flips to April.  Brad Miller needs to start proving that he deserves to be here, otherwise I have zero problem with the team sending HIM down to Tacoma when we need a spot-starter this Sunday.


Fernando Rodney is going to blow A LOT of saves this year.  He’s going to get in trouble just about every time he’s on the mound.  It’s just a foregone conclusion.  So, I’m less inclined to put this loss on him.  Nevertheless, he strikes me as a mental midget who’s going to let the emotion of the game dictate his on-field performance.

Once that error cost him the save and forced him into more work, I think it’s no surprise whatsoever that he threw that wild pitch that forced in the tying run.  After that, it was all academic.  That game wasn’t going into extra innings!  No way!  Rodney’s got some okay stuff, but he’s no pitcher.  He’s just a guy who stands on a mound and throws really hard, but he’s not a pitcher.

Pitching is a thinking man’s game, and Fernando Rodney strikes me as a guy with an 8th grade education at best.  No, he just gets up there and throws hard and hopes for the best.  And, every once in a while, you run into Fernando Rodney’s 2012 season where everything miraculously goes right and you’re the best reliever on the planet.  But, that shit never lasts.  Because he has no real control over where the ball’s going to end up.


Seems like it always happens down in Texas.  Not these horrific late-game losses; those happen all the time, all over the place (no place more than Chicago when we’re playing the fucking White Sox, though).  No, the “it” I’m referring to is the end of the season for the Seattle Mariners.  The point where everything falls to shit, and we spend the rest of the year just running out the string of games and hoping for better things NEXT year.

It came a little earlier than we expected this year, but by no means earlier than USUAL.  The Mariners are done.  Their hope for a reasonably okay starting rotation is shot because Paxton & Walker won’t be back any time soon (if at all).  The usual suspects in the lineup are as frustrating as they’ve ever been (looking at you, Smoak, Saunders, Ackley); and SURPRISE, the younger guys who are supposed to be better are exactly the same (Miller, Almonte, Zunino).  Save Robinson Cano, our offseason plan was a total and complete bust (thank you, Hart, Morrison, and Rodney).  I still have faith in Seager, but it wouldn’t shock me in the least if he just stays this way forever until I lock myself in the attic until the voices in my head leave me alone.

There’s no hope.  Not that there ever really was, but now it’s official.  Of course, that word “Contention” is a funny word because it has a wide range of meanings.  Or, really, just two.  There’s Contention in the sense that we’re a good team seriously competing for a division title, or at the very least in a solid position for the Wild Card.  And, then there’s “Contention” where the Mariners approach a .500 record, have a handful of teams ahead of them for the Wild Card, never really SERIOUSLY make a move toward the top, and just kind of hang around until they’re mathematically eliminated sometime in August or September.

The 2007 and 2009 Mariners “contended” in the second sense, but they were never seriously in the hunt.  Those Mariners teams weren’t very good and were playing WAY above their means.  These 2014 Mariners strike me as being very similar.

To be in REAL contention, you have to prove you’re a clear-cut player in your division.  Right now, the Oakland A’s are 10-5 and looking pretty unstoppable.  Then, there’s three teams in the middle of the pack, all at or within a game of .500.  Then, there’s the Astros.  So, if the Mariners want to be a player in the A.L. West, they have to prove they’re the clear-cut second-best team (and then hope the A’s suffer some more injuries or something).

Right now, I’m pretty confident that the Mariners are at least as good, if not WAY better than both the Astros and Angels.  But, again, to be that player, we’ve got to also be better than the Rangers.  We’ve ESPECIALLY got to be better than the Rangers when they’ve got so many guys on the DL!  We can’t be frittering away these fucking games like last night if we expect to REALLY be in contention for the post-season.

Of course, if we just want to be in “contention”, like the 2007 & 2009 Mariners were in contention, then go right ahead and keep playing grab-ass, BRAD MILLER.  Boot these fucking games away.

Everyone likes to bring up the movie ‘Groundhog Day’ when they talk about the Mariners, but they forget that there were a lot of good times in that movie.  Yes, it was the same fucking day, every day, forever, but Bill Murray found a bunch of different ways to entertain himself.  He got to have easy sex, he stole a bunch of money from an armored truck and bought pretty much whatever he wanted, he got to party with the guys and do everything he’d ever wanted without consequence, he got to eat all of that delicious diner food.  It wasn’t all down times and misery.

Of course, with the Mariners right now, it IS all down times and misery.  If this part of the season is ANY part of the ‘Groundhog Day’ movie, it’s when Bill Murray is just beating the shit out of his alarm clock as it plays that God damned Sonny & Cher song for the 50,000th time.

Coming up next:  dozens upon dozens of daily suicides.

1 thought on “I Love Felix; I Hate The Mariners

  1. Pingback: Third Week Random Mariners Thoughts | Seattle Sports Hell

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *