The Seahawks Lose To St. Louis In The Dumbest Way Possible

It’s all just such cliched bullshit.  Why is it that every fucking time we go into St. Louis, Jeff Fisher turns into Vince Lombardi and Pete Carroll becomes fucking Rich Kotite?  And how many times are we going to lose to the Rams on some flukey special teams nonsense?

The punt return I actually thought was pretty impressive.  That’s a real Wheel of Cheese moment.  I disagree with the notion that the Rams “saw something on tape.”  That shit could’ve worked against any team with a halfway competent punter who knows how to angle his kicks and down them inside the 20.  That shit’s not Seahawks-specific, necessarily.  The Rams just knew that it would work against us and so they pulled it out at the absolute worst time.  Because they like embarrassing us; don’t ask me why.

But, how in the fuck do you let them pull off a fake punt to ice the game?  Are you kidding me?  There are one of two ways you can play that.  The first is to send 10 guys running towards the punter in full Punt Block Mode.  Let’s see how well their punter throws the ball when he’s about to get fucking exploded.  The other way is to just play defense and go into full Punt Safe Mode.  Put a body on an eligible body and make sure they kick that ball.

What you DON’T do is treat is just like any ordinary punt, because guess what:  the Rams like to take these moments to catch us napping!  Why more teams don’t go all-out on freak special teams plays when they game plan against us, I’ll never know.  We’re like an excited puppy running around out there.  We know one thing:  GET THE BALL!  So, we’ll fall for pretty much any sort of fake-out you can give us.

It’s also all such cliched bullshit because, here we go.  Just another Super Bowl team who struggles the following year.  Be it injuries, or key losses in personnel, or your superstars not playing up to their ability.

The whole defense is a joke.  Just want to put that out there.  Do we have injuries?  Of course, but everyone has injuries.  We’ve still got a lot of really good, really healthy players out there who are doing NOTHING.  Earl Thomas, where you at?  Richard Sherman, how about it, buddy?  I’m gonna leave Kam Chancellor out of this because he’s dealing with some nagging injuries.  But, Avril & Bennett, could I trouble you for some sacks this year?  Is it too much to ask, K.J. Wright, Bruce Irvin, and Malcolm Smith, for a little play-making?

We just made a team that has looked terrible all season running the football look like the fucking Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen Raiders of Tecmo Bowl.  They were 3 for 3 in red zone touchdowns!  I mean, are you shitting me with this?  I get the rationale behind “Bend/Don’t Break” Defense, but that only works if you DON’T FUCKING BREAK!  It’s not supposed to get EASIER for these teams to move the ball the closer they get to the endzone!  And yet, the Rams looked like an avalanche rolling down hill once they got inside the 20.

Do the Seahawks have it bad right now with injuries?  Yeah, but we’ve got it better than most.  Supposedly, this is a “depth” issue, but you pay playmakers to make plays, and our playmakers haven’t done SHIT this year!

On the other side of the ball, God damn this offensive line.  I mean, what can you do?  It’s not just an injury issue – though, from the looks of things, it appears that most of these guys are dealing with some serious shit – but a talent issue.  James Carpenter is nobody’s first round draft pick.  J.R. Sweezy was picked in the seventh round for a reason.  Britt might end up being something, but right now he’s pretty worthless.  And, if Okung and Unger can’t stay healthy for more than a few games, then I don’t think they should be around anymore.

Bottom line:  offensive line needs to be the #1 priority for this team in the draft going forward.  We need an infusion of talent, which means injecting HIGH draft picks into this all-important unit.  Russell Okung probably shouldn’t be re-signed once his contract runs out.  James Carpenter also probably shouldn’t be retained.  We should be actively seeking out Max Unger’s replacement as soon as possible, and it would probably be a good idea to invest a little more heavily into “backup center”, because at this point it’s a guarantee that he’ll get his share of playing time.

So, here we are, 3-3.  In the great Post-BYE easy stretch of games where we were SUPPOSED to go 8-0 (or, at worst, 7-1), we have started out 1-2.  The defense has taken the year off, and the offense just isn’t good enough to pick up the slack.  As a result, we’re destined to fall back to 8-8 and miss the playoffs, while all these smug, asshole national media types get to sit around telling us, “I Told You So.”  Because they used flawed logic to reach a correct conclusion.

Until the defense rises from its slumber, the Seahawks are fucked.  We go to Carolina next week; are you at all confident that we can stop them?  Because I’m not.  Shit, we couldn’t even stop the Rams!  What makes you think we’re going to get a handle on Cam Newton?  He’s going to slice and dice us with his nobody-scrubs he’s got around him!

Good God, who would have ever predicted that it would be October 20th and we’d already be looking forward to the next Mariners season?

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