On a scale from 1 to 10, this season is legit 12 aggravating. I can’t sit here and tell you that it’s the worst season, because it’s not. The worst seasons are always the ones where you win the fewest games. The 1992 Seahawks are the reason why I stopped giving a shit about the Seattle Seahawks until about 1996 or so and they were threatening to move to L.A. Pieces were being put into place, we’d just come off a .500 record, things were looking up! Of course, little did I know just how many .500 seasons I’d have to endure under Dennis Erickson, but that’s another post for another time.
The only salvation you get out of a miserable season like 1992 or 2008 is that you get to reap the rewards of a high draft pick. But, since we’re talking about the Seahawks, we even manage to fuck THAT up, with the likes of Rick Mirer and Aaron Curry.
The underrated travesties are those 8-8 seasons, because not only are you mediocre, and not only are you missing out on the post-season, but you also draft pretty low in the first round. Like the high teens, where there’s just scraps and wishful thinking of would-be stars. No thank you.
But, this year? It doesn’t come around all that often. Indeed, when you’re talking Seahawks, the only seasons that could possibly rival 2014 are the two seasons following our first Super Bowl apperance. These are years where expectations are sky high. Where you’re still in that Championship Window, but you can see that it’s already closing, and no matter how many times you’re reminded that these windows are fleeting, you’re not prepared for the comedown. It’s what I imagine a cocaine binge hangover to feel like.
Everything sucks and you wish you were dead.
2013 was supposed to be the beginning of a dynasty! The second coming of the 90s Dallas Cowboys. The third coming of the 80s 49ers. The fourth coming of the 70s Steelers. The fifth coming of the 60s Packers. The sixth coming of the 50s Browns. And so on and so forth. We were young, we were fierce on defense, we were in a position of strength regarding our cap, where we could afford to extend our stars & still fill in admirably around them with the role players to succeed.
Now, we’re just this injured, dysfunctional mass of mistake-prone, unclutch nonsense. Losing games late in the fourth quarter we should win. Holding teams to touchdowns instead of field goals whenever they reach the red zone. Killing countless drives with idiotic penalties. Dropping passes, missing blockers, missing tackles, letting absolute gift interceptions clank off of our chests. 6-4, clinging for dear life to Wild Card dreams while the Arizona fucking Cardinals somehow suffer even worse injuries and manage to sit atop the entire NFL with a 9-1 record. I mean, ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
We should be better, we COULD be better, but we’re not. And, God damn it, I still haven’t seen the Rams pull any of their special teams bullshit against anyone else in the league; WHY IS IT ALWAYS US???
Fuckin’ hubris, man. We got a taste of the good life in 2013, and man did we live like kings! We were the toast of the NFL! Defenses wanted to be us, league officials created rules to stop us, Richard Sherman’s out there getting Kardashian-level ink spilled about him on a daily basis. We extended all the stars we were able to extend. ESPN devoted a whole block of programming just to show how we PRACTICE! (not a game, not a game …). And there we are, The 12th Man in all our blue & green glory, not just soaking it all in, but actively rubbing it in the faces of anyone who will listen.
WE’RE the best! Not y’all! WE’RE the team that can’t be stopped.
Like we did anything at all. The Seahawks won a Super Bowl and all of a sudden our 12th Man dicks are dragging on the floor behind us. Oh, this ol’ thing? That’s just my 12-foot long dick; didn’t you hear? We won the Super Bowl and we’re going to win every Super Bowl until Russell Wilson decides to hang ’em up. No big deal. And believe me, I’m as guilty of this as anyone.
See, as Seahawks fans – as Seattle fans in general – we didn’t know how to act, so we acted like we imagine every other fan who’s rooted on a champion acts. The Seahawks winning the Super Bowl was akin to giving Honey Boo Boo and her family their own TV show for the 12th Man. Everyone else is trying to tell us to “act like we’ve been there before,” but we’re too busy painting our bodies in Seahawks colors and eating spaghetti with butter.
Losing all these players to free agency? Who cares! We’ve got Pete Carroll and John Schneider; it’s only a matter of time before the next crop of 5th round draft picks turn into All Pros! Never considering for a moment that maybe they just caught lightning in a bottle that one season, and that it’s fucking HARD to do it a second time.
A lot of shit has to go right. But, the Seahawks in 2014 are too talented! There are too many stars on this team! WE’RE TOO BIG TO FAIL!
And here we are, 6-4, third place in the division, on the outside looking in at a playoff spot, with the world’s most difficult schedule over these last seven games, and we’re about to get 2010 Seahawks’d right out of a playoff spot because the NFC South is about to get a 7-9 home playoff game.
I want each and every one of you to remember what you said at the end of 2010 when the world was telling us we didn’t belong in the playoffs, let alone hosting the world champion Saints. Because, I guaran-fucking-tee all those people defending the 7-9 division champion Seahawks will be calling for a revamping of the NFL playoff seeding system come January.
That’s why this season is so aggravating. Because we should’ve seen it coming and we ignored it. I mean, this is Seattle! Why would we expect to have long term greatness? Just consider us fucking lucky that we got the one Super Bowl and we still have our health. Winter’s coming. And
Arizona Hell is coming with it.
In other news, this is the week where I’ve opted to split the power rankings into the Haves and Have Nots. The top 16 teams all have as good a chance as any of making the playoffs this year. The bottom 16 is comprised of all the fucking losers, which obviously includes the NFC South. Enjoy!
- Arizona Cardinals (9-1) – More annoying Super Bowl storyline: the Harbaugh Brothers facing one another, or the Cardinals hosting their own Super Bowl? It’s a toss-up for me right now; all I know is I’m rooting for whoever comes out of the AFC.
- New England Patriots (8-2) – It’s been a LONG time since their offensive line was a trainwreck and Tom Brady owners in fantasy were pulling their hair out.
- Denver Broncos (7-3) – I don’t know what to say about that loss to the Rams, but it has to be at least mildly concerning, right?
- Green Bay Packers (7-3) – I know the Packers aren’t as good as they’ve looked in recent weeks, but I’ll be damned if I can tell you how this team is going to blow it going forward.
- Detroit Lions (7-3) – Defense is amazing, and you still don’t want to face them in the playoffs, but they ran up against the Arizona juggernaut on Sunday.
- Kansas City Chiefs (7-3) – I can’t see this team contending with the Broncos, but it’s nice for them to think they can. Blame St. Louis when all your hopes are dashed later this year.
- Indianapolis Colts (6-4) – I seem to say this all the time, but it must be nice to play in such a shitty division.
- Pittsburgh Steelers (7-4) – Playing down to the level of their competition? Now, where have I seen that before (*cough cough* SEAHAWKS).
- Philadelphia Eagles (7-3) – So, will the real Mark Sanchez please stand up?
- San Francisco 49ers (6-4) – Yeah, they’re hanging in there, but they’re still struggling mightily on offense. If the Seahawks are doomed to miss the playoffs; I’ll gladly play spoiler if it means we can also keep the 49ers out.
- Dallas Cowboys (7-3) – It’s almost that time! December in Dallas must be the best time of year for antacid sales.
- Miami Dolphins (6-4) – Well, they proved they’re better than the Bills. Not saying a whole lot, but it’s something.
- San Diego Chargers (6-4) – Well, they proved they’re better than the Raiders. Not saying a whole lot, but it’s something.
- Seattle Seahawks (6-4) – What are the Seahawks going to do when we start facing great run defenses? I’d wager to guess that the Seahawks are going to continue losing.
- Cincinnati Bengals (6-3-1) – Andy Dalton plays Cleveland, has one of the worst games possible for a starting quarterback making millions upon millions of dollars. Then, he turns around – when every fantasy owner in America has benched him – and throws three TDs and dominates on the road against the Saints. Troll +1.
- Baltimore Ravens (6-4) – With no one really running away with this division, I guess they still have as good a chance as any to sneak in there. Odds are, though, they lose via tiebreaker somewhere.
The Loser’s Bracket:
- St. Louis Rams (4-6) – Seriously Rams, fuck you! Who the hell are you to be good enough to beat the Broncos and Seahawks, yet bad enough to still have a losing record?
- Houston Texans (5-5) – J.J. Watt has four touchdowns this year? Including two on offense? Maybe Darrell Bevell isn’t a complete idiot; maybe he’s just running goalline plays that only work if you have J.J. Watt in there on offense.
- Cleveland Browns (6-4) – Hey, so Cleveland? Playoff teams don’t lose home games to the Texans when they’re starting a first-time starting quarterback.
- Atlanta Falcons (4-6) – I can’t believe this is the team that’s currently leading the NFC South. I also can’t believe I sort of think they might hang on and end up winning it at season’s end.
- New Orleans Saints (4-6) – Can’t say I’m TOTALLY shocked the Saints choked to the Bengals at home. If I thought the Saints were going to run away with that one, I would’ve considered benching Cincy’s running back. Suffice it to say, I came away from Sunday pretty happy with my decisions.
- Chicago Bears (4-6) – The Bears are better than the Vikings; stop the presses!
- Carolina Panthers (3-7-1) – Hello darkness, my old friend.
- Buffalo Bills (5-5) – It doesn’t get any better than a couple weeks ago, when you were 5-3 and enjoying a nice BYE week. Fortunately, it doesn’t get much worse with home games against the Jets and Cleveland coming up. Hi there 8-8! It’s been a while.
- Minnesota Vikings (4-6) – So much for Adrian Peterson salvaging your season.
- New York Giants (3-7) – You are one pathetic loser!
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-8) – Mike Evans is my fantasy football wet dream right now; single greatest waiver wire pickup I’ve made in AGES.
- Washington Redskins (3-7) – I just need Alfred Morris to continue to be decent through the last few weeks of the season.
- New York Jets (2-8) – I’m telling you, I still think the Jets have a chance to save Rex Ryan’s bacon. Here’s their schedule to close out the season: @Buf, Mia, @Min, @Ten, NE, @Mia. Got some real turds in that punchbowl.
- Tennessee Titans (2-8) – Seems like you should be building for the future by giving Bishop Sankey the lion’s share of the offensive load. You know, to see what you’ve got, and to see if what you’ve got is a bellcow running back?
- Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9) – Could the Jags lose out and still gain that number one pick? I think they can, I think they can, I think they can.
- Oakland Raiders (0-10) – Because I highly doubt the Raiders are going 0-16. At some point, they’re going to Raiders this whole thing up and miss out on the number 1 draft pick.