Seattle Sports Hell Shuts Down For Christmas

Consider me firmly in the camp of people who love Christmas.  Well, I guess secular Christmas?  The part of Christmas that glorifies presents and Santa and over-eating and TV specials and shitty movies and presents and candy and days off of work and decorations and trees inside the home slowly dying and presents and egg nog and, if there’s time, family and togetherness and all that crap.

If you’re reading this on Christmas morning, then rest assured I’m battling a heroic hangover after a night of revelry with my brother and father.  Unless something huge happens in the local sports world, the site is going dark for the weekend.  I’ll be back on Monday, but since I’m taking all of next week off of work, I wouldn’t expect my best effort.  Or, if I’m bored, maybe I’ll go overboard and write thousands upon thousands of words on some really interesting topic (don’t count on it).

As per the usual, I’ve got some links to tide you over.  You know, in the event you need something to read on the shitter while avoiding your family or whatnot.

I never liked All That or Kenan & Kel because I was JUST starting to mature beyond Nickelodeon at the point these shows were popular (plus, they sucked all kinds of dick compared to You Can’t Do That On Television, Salute Your Shorts, Hey Dude, and Clarissa Explains It All), but Kenan Thompson has consistently been THE best part of Saturday Night Live over the many years he’s been there.  Oh, and I’m well aware of all the bigger stars featured in their cast that have come and gone in that time.  I like Bridesmaids as much as the next guy (so, “somewhat”), but Kristen Wiig’s presence on SNL was almost always nails on a chalkboard with her never-funny recurring characters.

Wasn’t the finale of Sons of Anarchy fucking crazy?  Here’s an article from way back in September, before the season started.

Umm, you can count me squarely in the camp that’s fucking STOKED about the return of Twin Peaks.

I got a real Love/Hate thing with Weezer, and I think I’m not alone among Weezer fans.  After the atrocity that was Beverly Hills, I gave up on them forever.  After listening to the Red Album in a time of weakness, it only reinforced my resolve.  Never again, I don’t care how much they try to return to their Blue Album ways.  Also, that line in the article, “Listening to this record felt like being suffocated with a Hawaiian shirt,” is brutal and awesome.

So far, Whiplash is my favorite movie of 2014.  I’ve been on a movie kick recently, so I sort of know what I’m talking about (I also managed to avoid practically every movie from the blockbuster summer months, so don’t come crying to me about Guardians of the Galaxy, because I’m waiting for it to come out on video so I can download it).

Love me some Comedy Bang! Bang! podcast and TV show.

If you haven’t been to a Pearl Jam live show, you should.  Even if you don’t really have strong feelings about them one way or the other; their shows are Must See.

Can you imagine The Boz if he just came out of college today?  I think Twitter would implode in on itself.

Finally, I’m going to close with this.  If you asked me for my Top 5 favorite movies of all time, my answer would probably alter slightly depending on my mood at that moment, but in just about every incarnation, The Big Lebowski would show up.  (for shits and giggles, my top five right now – in some order – would be The Big Lebowski, Bloodsport, The Shining, There Will Be Blood, and Pulp Fiction).  Anyway, I came across this recently and I cringed so hard I think I broke a rib.  See, I love The Big Lebowski, but GOD DAMN it’s tough to take a movie seriously when you read about themed weddings and conventions and so forth.  Maybe it’s just me, and I can’t stand being in any club that would have me as a member, but these cult phenomena really suck all the joy out of something for me.  I mean, it’s a fucking miracle that I can still even TOLERATE the film after all the times I’ve quoted it since college (I even used “The Dude Is Not In” as my voicemail greeting for the better part of a decade).  I wouldn’t be caught dead going to a public viewing of the movie, or dressing up as one of the characters.

Seriously, if you want to do a cool, creative movie-themed wedding, why not go with The Shining?  The bride could hold a bat; the groom an ax.  Instead of “walking down the aisle”, have someone build giant Big Wheels to ride.  The cake could be in the shape of the hedge maze.  The wedding programs would be variations on the “All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy” manuscript.  The vows could be actual quotes from the movie (Wendy?  Darling?  Light of my life.  I’m not gonna hurt ya.  You didn’t let me finish my sentence.  I said, I’m not gonna hurt ya.  I’m just going to bash your brains in.  Gonna bash ’em right the fuck in!).  After that, all you need is the musical score playing in the background and someone to dress up as Dick Hallorann to administer the vows (with a little kid to play Danny and do that little finger-talking thing with the rings around it as the Ring Bearer).  Either I’ve just created the perfect theme wedding, or I’m going to die alone, your choice (also, you could substitute all of this for The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Terror segment, “The Shinning”, and it would be equally as amazing).

And, since it’s Christmas, here are my top five Christmas-themed movies (meaning Christmas is a major part of the movie’s theme and plot, and not just the time of year that the movie happens to be taking place; so NO DIE HARD!):

  • It’s A Wonderful Life (an all time classic that still gets me choked up at the end)
  • A Christmas Story (still holds up, even after the millionth viewing on TBS every year)
  • The Ref (by far the funniest Christmas movie ever made)
  • Elf (dangerously getting close to that Big Lebowski “too popular for its own good” territory, but not quite there yet)
  • Scrooged (my favorite take on the Dickens classic, with a manic Bill Murray knocking it out of the park).

Honorable mention goes to The Family Stone (it’s the perfect blend of cliche, preachy, treacly, and white bread that – for whatever reason – works for me for no good reason whatsoever).

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