It’s Hopeless, Mariners

Under my Top Searches – the phrases people use to find my blog on Google or whatnot – we have the following gems:

  • mariners stink 2016
  • why do the mariners stink
  • i hate the seattle mariners
  • mariners suck again

This is what the fans are looking into, Mariners!  This is what you’ve brought us to, 8 games into the new season, the new regime, the fresh start for us all!

It feels patently ridiculous to write about how hopeless it is, this early in the month of April, and I acknowledge that.  We’re, like, 5% into the season; there’s a LOOOOOOOONG way to go.  Hell, three months from now, there will still be a LOOOOOOOONG way to go.  I can all but guarantee the Mariners, at some point in 2016, will have a 5-game winning streak to counter this current 5-game losing streak.  How can I be so sure?  Because the Mariners have had at least a 5-game winning streak every year for the last 7 years.  You have to go to 2008 – where their longest winning streak was only 4 games – to find a more inept ballclub.  And, I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t believe the 2016 Mariners will be worse than the 2008 version that went jihad over our hopes and dreams.

But, remember how last year, the Mariners went 2-9 in that homestand in late May, and other than that played essentially .500 baseball the rest of the year?  This feels a lot like that to me.  Which means, there’s really no point in watching the games or getting your hopes up or banging your head against the wall in frustration when they inevitably disappoint.

Let’s put it another way.  Even though the Mariners very well might get their first home win this afternoon to cut down this losing streak at 5 games, and even though I readily admit this team probably has a 5-game winning streak in it at some point in the season, does this team – as it’s constructed – strike you as one that will not only make up these 5 games, but also win enough games ABOVE that to contend for a playoff spot?  Dating back to 2012 when they brought in the second wild card, teams who have had that spot have been at LEAST 10 games over .500, if not more.  Does … THIS, this monstrosity of a Mariners team, look like a team that can recover the 15+ games it needs to make the post-season?  Forget 154 more games left in the season, you could give this team 1,054 games and it wouldn’t be enough!  This team is flawed from top to bottom, and no amount of GM changes, manager changes, hitting coach changes, or player changes will fix it.  It’s not just flawed, it’s rotten.  It’s diseased.  It’s a wheezing, coughing-up-mucus pile of flesh and sweat and gunk, in desperate need of a gun to the head.

You know what will turn around this franchise?  Selling it to a new set of owners, shit-canning Howard Lincoln, moving it to another city, and building it a proper ballpark where its hitters won’t shit their fucking pants 81 games a year.  Fuck it, take ’em, I’m done.  I’d rather have the Sonics back anyway.  If I could trade the Mariners for even a 25% chance at getting the Sonics back, I’d make that deal in a heartbeat.

What do we have to look forward to?  You tell me!  Because I’m at a loss.

  • Is it Nelson Cruz, regressing the FUCK out of himself after playing out of his mind the last two seasons?
  • Is it the slow and steady decline of Robinson Cano?
  • Is it yet ANOTHER useless fucking start to the season out of Kyle Seager?
  • Is it Ketel Marte being the latest of an endless string of failed prospects?
  • Is it Dae-ho Lee being an all-or-nothing lump?
  • Is it Adam Lind just being a lump?
  • Is it wasting yet another season of Felix’s ever-dwindling prime?
  • Is it Hisashi Iwakuma being an injury-prone .500 pitcher, and an over-paid one at that?
  • Is it Wade Miley being the biggest, juiciest diarrhea sandwich of all time?
  • Is it watching the only guy in the bullpen we were SURE we could count on – Joaquin Benoit – suffer the first serious injury of his career and miss significant time from the season?
  • Is it watching the rest of the bullpen turn close games into blown saves, and respectable losing efforts into total disasters?

Oh, you mean I get to watch 154 games of this?  Where do I sign up?

Wait, scratch that, because I’m checking out HARD on this season.  Fool me once, shame on … shame on you.  Fool me — you can’t get fooled again!

One thought on “It’s Hopeless, Mariners

  1. No change till someone else owns it. They don’t care. They don’t need to. Most of the “fans” in the stands aren’t even from here and don’t care either. The sickness of the Mariners is the sickness of a city changing from being a culturally vibrant community with fun if not quixotic sports teams and an old city vibe to that of some kind of bad copy of San Fran, filled with vapid brogrammers, fair weather fans, cookie cutter businesses and crap art.

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