Were you worried about the Seahawks’ quarterback room after All Pro Russell Wilson? Worried that maybe Anthony Gordon – an undrafted rookie out of Washington State – might not be up to the challenge if the worst happened and he had to be thrown to the wolves? Well, you’re in luck because mediocre backup Geno Smith figures to lug around the clipboard in another action-packed season as the Seahawks’ #2!

Oh, and the starting cornerback we got in trade from the Redskins who’s supposed to take over for Tre Flowers and seriously bolster our secondary – Quinton Dunbar – had an arrest warrent put on him for armed robbery at a houseparty a couple days ago in Florida … BUT HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS GENO SMITH GUY HUH?! FUN G.D. TIMES AND WHATNOT!

Clearly, I wasn’t born to have nice things. (why, in these COVID-19 times, was there a party happening in the first place?). Clearly, I wasn’t meant for happiness. (these are two players in the National Football League, earning millions of dollars!). Clearly, I’m doomed to walk the Earth in a perpetual state of tire-spinning, frustratingly taking two steps back every time I take two steps forward. (I mean, I know the shit they robbed was worth a lot, but these are young up-and-comers who’d be worth even MORE millions of dollars in a few years!). I’m not a bad guy; I’m reasonably well-liked; I try to do the right things when I can. (did they think they weren’t going to get caught? why didn’t they at least wear masks that covered their ENTIRE faces?). WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!

I need a hug.

I’ve been racking my brain trying to find the bright side here, and I think I’ve got something. It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got. Now, assuming this isn’t as bad as it looks, that maybe he won’t go to prison and only misses a small handful of games due to suspension, but he’s otherwise a rehabilitated and dedicated football player from this day forward (as hard as that seems, given he fucking – allegedly – committed armed robbery), and in the games he DOES play in, he makes a huge impact and helps lead the Seahawks to a successful season with his clutch plays – to the point where the Seahawks would want to keep him around beyond this season, with his contract coming up – MAYBE an incident like this drives down his value to the point where he’s not necessarily so expensive to re-sign for 2021 and possibly beyond.

I told you it wasn’t much. A lot of clauses and caveats in that scenario there.

The downside is, obviously, the Seahawks feel compelled to cut him and he never plays a down for us. The next-worst thing is: he goes to prison and/or gets suspended for the entire season and never plays a down for us (how is that not the same thing? because in this situation I believe we’d at least have salary cap relief). Next-worst is: he misses a significant amount of games – a number we’re never really told, that’s just up to the whim of the commissioner’s office – but eventually returns to play, only he sucks because he’s rusty, doesn’t know the defense, and makes no positive impact whatsoever. The fewer games he misses due to suspension, the better it looks, but obviously the Ideal Scenario with Dunbar is never going to see the light of day. Not in 2020. Maybe not ever.

But, at least he won’t hold out for a bigger contract! I think that ship sailed right off the edge of the flat fucking Earth that’s taken over our lives because NOTHING MAKES ANY GOD DAMN SENSE ANYMORE AND WE’RE ALL LIVING IN THE AUTISTIC NIGHTMARE OF SOME SNOWGLOBE-SHAKING CHILD IN BOSTON!

I’m having a really good week, you guys. Honest and for true. I’m not having a nervous breakdown, you’re having a nervous breakdown, he said with cold, dead eyes, in an unsettling monotone while staring off into the middle distance trying to remember if he took his Clozapine today or not …

He probably did. What’s the worst that could happen, huh?

Remember when Earl Thomas’ wife pulled a gun on him for getting caught in bed sharing a woman with his brother? DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER LAUGHTER?!