The Seahawks Shit The Bed & Fucked Up All My Fake Sports Bets

It’s comforting to know I don’t need to actually GO to Las Vegas to enjoy a demoralizing fucking sports betting weekend.

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so thoroughly fucking disgusted with the Seahawks. I don’t know if this was the perfect storm of fuckery that I thought had to happen for us to lose this game, but when Russell Wilson sucks THIS HARD, I don’t think anything else even matters.

You know how we always talk about, “If the Seahawks ever lost Russell Wilson due to injury, this would be a 4-12 type team”? Well, that game, that 17-12 loss to the Giants, is exactly what that would look like. I’ve never seen him play so poorly, not even when he threw a million interceptions against the Packers in the NFC Championship Game. We’ve seen poor stretches from him in games, but never four full quarters of fucking shit like this. He wasn’t even Replacement Level bad; he was BAD bad! Not only doesn’t he deserve an MVP vote this season, he might not deserve one ever again!

And here’s the thing: we can’t just write this off as a one-game anomaly; he’s looked bad since the BYE week. The Seahawks were 5-0 heading into that week, and are 3-4 since, and A LOT of that is poor play by Wilson. Even in the games we’ve won in that stretch, I wouldn’t say he’s been a catalyst so much as it was the defense showing some semblance of improvement.

Here’s something that doesn’t get asked enough: is Russell Wilson smart? Really think about it. Is he a smart quarterback? Or do we just get hypnotized by his constantly-positive attitude into believing that he has a brain that can read defenses, determine coverages, and make good decisions? He’s talented! Don’t get me wrong! And, I wouldn’t say he’s dumb necessarily. But, for a quarterback who’s accomplished all that he’s managed to accomplish in his career, he doesn’t strike me as someone I’d trust in a quarterback IQ contest with the likes of some of the all-time greats, or even the greats of the game today.

We spent 100% of this game doing nothing but running the ball and calling play-action passing plays designed to get huge chunks of yardage downfield. I don’t know what percentage of that is at the feet of Wilson or offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer, but the O.C. deserves PLENTY of blame for this one. And, quite honestly, throughout this entire stretch since the BYE week, the play-calling has failed to address the fact that the Vikings in Week 5 figured out how to slow us down, and from then onward, this offense has SUCKED! We haven’t scored 30+ since that horrific loss in Buffalo; in those four games we’ve averaged less than 20 points!

The fact that we’re 2-2 in that stretch is thanks to the defense. The fact that we were in this game yesterday at all is thanks to the defense – who aside from some breakdowns in our run defense in the third quarter, giving up 14 points in the process, looked as good as they have all year – and so I’m not going to bitch about them one bit. You know why? Because they still managed to hold the Giants to under 20 points, and if you have Russell Wilson (one of the so-called best quarterbacks in the game today) you are supposed to win every single fucking one of those games!

Maybe don’t overreact to that Rams loss where D.K. Metcalf didn’t get very many targets by trying to target him on EVERY FUCKING PLAY! Maybe don’t totally abandon Tyler Lockett, who was having a great first quarter until he was briefly knocked out of the game! Maybe – when the outside rushing game is generating huge chunks of yards – don’t try to ram it up the fucking middle where the Giants are the most stout! These are all things the simplest of football fan rubes can see; why can’t some of the game’s so-called elites figure this shit out?


You know what irriates me most of all? I would have won ALL of my fake-teasers if the Seahawks weren’t so completely inept. Every other team – even the Vikings, who needed overtime to beat the Jags – did their fucking jobs. Except the shitty fucking Seahawks, who are going to blow YET ANOTHER championship opportunity by settling for a fucking Wild Card spot.

My college bets were also disappointing, so maybe I should’ve seen this shitshow coming. I ended up going 6-8 with a Buffalo/Ohio cancellation. Coastal Carolina did win outright, so I wouldn’t have lost too much (since I was going to pound them to both cover and win on the money line). I also would like to think I would’ve put a little scratch on Indiana to win outright as well – were I to come to my senses and realize how confident I was in them covering – but then again I can also see myself throwing some extra losing bets out into the atmosphere (especially to chase what was a colossally-bad morning slate of bets), so it’s best not to think about it.

Fool me once, Oklahoma State OVER! Shame on you. Fool me TWICE on that game against TCU (the line was 51.5, the final score ended up being 51 exactly, because once again OK State was fucking worthless) … well, that’s on me. THAT’S ON ME, YOU GUYS! I’ll avoid the shit out of them the rest of the season and watch them all EASILY sail over whatever line Vegas puts on them!!!

Sports are dumb. Gambling is dumb. The Seahawks are dumb. And I am the dumbest of them all. LISTEN TO YOUR UNCLE STEVEN, KIDS! Read books! Get into programming! Find a good, high-paying job!

And then, if you could loan your Uncle Steven some money, I’ve got a REALLY good feeling about Buffalo tonight. I mean, they’re UNDERDOGS by one point against an inferior 49ers team! Yeah, technically the 49ers are the home team, but they can’t even play in the Bay Area and have to host this game in Arizona’s stadium! WE CAN’T LOSE! I’ll pay you back, I swear, just, you know, $200, $100, whatever you’ve got …

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